mind expanding nonsense

Archive for April, 2012


Well, It’s springtime.  Except for you folks down under: Well, It’s fall time for you.  You had your turn, and now the big fiery ball in the sky is on our side of the field.  No wonder all the idiotical pagans thought the sun was a goddess.  It’s bringing life back to the Earth and everything is blooming and swelling with life.  Dumb shits.  Everybody knows things are growing because we poured tons of chemicals on the ground, watered the hell out of it and sprayed everything with pesticides and herbicides, so only what we wanted to grow would do so uninterrupted by pests or other plants.

But wouldn’t it be a trip, if the earth really were an individual or entity of sorts, and we honored her as such.  Did you say HER?  Everybody knows God is a guy.  Well maybe,  but the female is much more suited to being  a Infinite Being than male energy.  All the male gods are too busy fighting over territory.  The goddess is just busy reproducing and nurturing us; asking very little in return.  She gets my vote for favorite infinite being.

The Tumor Returns

Okay…for those of you new to Hansi’s Hallucinations, this isn’t about my struggle with cancer  ( god forbid) or anything like that.  It’s about a different kind of evasive growth that’s taking over my brain.  I call it my Tumor.  And have grown quite fond of it, cause it allows me to do stuff  I’d not normally do, and not get blamed for it, or catch hell  from The Wife.   “It’s all the Tumors fault”,  keeps  working for me.

Well the ol’ Tumor flared up on me a few nights ago, and after medicating it real well, it got down to business and cranked out these gems.  It’s all the Tumor’s fault.

In One Ear and Out The Other

Some people have asked me, “Hansi, how have you stayed happily married for forty three years?”  Amazing, huh?  Yes indeed!  And it would be more amazing if someone actually did ask me that question.  Usually, the response to finding out the length of my marriage (not measured in inches) is something like, “You’ve been married forty frickin’ years?”

Yep, and the key to a long marriage is practicing the Buddhist concept of non-attachment.  And as illustrated above, that means not holding on to things which can make ya upset.  Usually, anything the wife says goes in one ear and out the other; and everything’s just fine.

When a verbal zinger comes your way like: “Are you just gonna sit around the house all day loaded, drawing pornography, wasting time on your stupid blog”.  No need to let that throw ya off balance.  Don’t hold on to it.  Just  do a little mental yoga, and remove that mot, ignoring  the beam in the others ass eye.   Those bite marks will heal; they’re really only kisses.


Kids are natural-born consumers, and will eagerly gobble up anything that’s thrown their way, if packaged right.  My nine year old grandson is now into Puffles:  a stuffed head with dumb expression on its face, that comes in a multitude of colors so you can collect them all.  Problem is you really can’t play with em, cause they’re little more than bodiless teddy bears.  I did suggest he use a few as bombs so we could play war, but he didn’t go for it.

Now when I was a kid, we were lucky to get a lunch bag which we could draw anything we wanted on, but who wanted to collect them?  I usually threw mine away at the end of  ‘nutrition break’, after eating it’s contents.  They too usually ended up a bombs.  Well old grandpa had a few puffs one night and  decided to draw my own version of a Puffle; my grandson did the first drawing , I did the rest.

Now if ya actually went to the link and saw what I’m talking about, you’d blow your mind.  Although I personally think Puffles are dumb [ If I ever saw one of my probation clients when I was fighting crime, with such a stupid-ass, shit eating grin on their face, I’d be marching their ass off to the testing room and make em pee in a little jar.  And if it was “dirty”, they’d be pufflizing themselves in a jail cell for a few weeks.]  Lost my train of thought.  Sorry.

Anyway, you got to admit Puffles are a great marketing ploy:  Sew a sack together, slap some furry hair on it, plaster it with a stupid expression, fill it up with some only mildly toxic shit made in China, and sell the poop out of it.  Sure worked on me when I  had young children.  Many a time Young Hansi’s ass was out running around looking for a Cabbage Patch Kid or some Nintendo device, to make someones special day…extra special.

Wishin’ I Was Fishin’

Actually, the title should read “Wishin’ I was Fishin’ Again”, cause I was able to blast up to Lone Pine at the end of March and get in some Eastern Sierra trout fishing.  But rather than write a big narrative about the whole deal, I thought I’d just do a Blithering Idiot (my other blog) type of post.

My Hansi post (the usual fare, featuring a pretend story about what me and my Buddie may or may have not done on our little adventure) is on the Blithering Idiot.  I know, shameless self-promotion.   Sure hope it works on you…Kinda like my Mojo does 🙂

Hansi at your service

Sometimes I wonder why I spend so much of my time drawing silly pictures and splattering them all over my blog with a narrative that half the time, don’t really make much sense.  Well, I figured that all out.  I’m retired, and don’t have anything else to do.

But lack of anything else to do is not a good reason to do anything, except when you’re retired,  so I’ve come up with a more noble reason for all this madness:  It’s a Community Service.  That sounds better, but not really.  See, having spent thirty years in Corrections, fighting crime as a Probation Officer, community service sounds more like a punishment than noble effort.  And it was!  Community Service was usually ordered by the Court for low grade misdemeanors like petty theft (shop-lifting).  And as their punishment, petty thieves would have to work at some charity or thrift store for 80 to 120 hours.  Why any self-respecting charity would want a convicted thief working for ’em is something I could never figure out, but Oh Well.

So blogging for me has now become a community service.  A punishment for me, wherein I have to share all my evil thoughts & deeds with you, as my way of ‘servicing’ the blogging community.  What they call “a win win situation” don’t cha think?

Thinking Outside The Box

Stick Figures

Okay, I don’t know how I got from stick figures to condoms to lying sacks of shit.  But, there is a metaphor in here somewhere, cause there’s an abundance of lying sacks of shit laying around these days spewing shit out of their mouths [I specialize in filth, NOT shit btw].

Anyway, with a lot of Americans still financially face down in the dung heap  these  days, what does one certain political party do to address the problem?  Right  Correct, jump on the abortion bandwagon, and wanna close family planning clinics and pass legislation to do so.  Funny how those folks, who we’ll just call Lying Sacks Of Shit, don’t like regulations when it comes to business and the environment, but when it comes to screwing, Well they know best, and wanna regulate the fuck out of it 🙂

This is were Condom Boy comes in (no pun intended) [“Bullshit Hansi”].  He can save the day, by preventing abortion, social disease and a host of  other problems, leaving  those certain politicians free from thinking about sex all the time and actually do something.  Sounds pretty cool, don’t-cha think.  Problem is, I think they’d just co-opt old Condom Boy, turn around, and use him to screw the rest of us.


Colored pencils are such a trip because they got the best of both worlds going on: pencil action, plus color.  So when the grandson wasn’t looking, I snatched his Crayola “Twistables” coloured pencils from him and got to work on some of my older ink drawings.

Although  “Twistables” offer a fairly limited pallet (Crayola not being the premier name in fine art supplies), it was fun exploring them again.  And the best part is when ya run out of color, all ya gotta do is twist the other end, and out pops more lead.  And anything that pops out after getting twisted is always good with me.

I probably better apologize in advance for the one below.  It wasn’t an earlier ink drawing like the other two.  But one I just did without sketching it out first.  Maybe I’m just still recovering from my anal annual prostrate exam, but a lot of the male figures I do in profile all look like they’re taking a leak.   Even the little green men from Mars.

Hansi For Sale

I just spent the afternoon drawing some rapid-fire art.  And it got me to thinking; a lot of the bloggers I was following a year ago are no longer blogging.  [You know who you are.]  Seems like people just up and quit blogging, and do so just as they were starting to get successful at it.  Now I have no idea of what constitutes success in the blog-o-sphere.  Maybe it’s the number of comments you get on a post, or the number of subscribers you have.   Gotta follow blogs to have bloggers follow you, that’s just basic.

When I first stated my Hallucinations (the blog).  I followed a lot of guys who blogged about blogging.  Their goal being, that at some certain point they were gonna start making money on-line blogging.  Sounded cool to me.  Just sit around the house all day cranking out bullshit, and get paid for it.

Well, I’m no Pioneer Woman, cause I haven’t made a dime.  So rather than just quit, like so many do, I decided to sell my blog.  Yep, Hansi’s Hallucinations is now for sale.  But wait, before the bidding starts, check out what ya get.  Not only do you get all the crap mentioned in the drawing below: wit, humor (sometimes laden with a shit-load of sarcasm), Art (the best part), but wisdom (miss-spelled in the drawing) from an old guy who’s heard it all, and is sick and tired of bullshit.  Having spent 30 years in Corrections hearing it, dealing with it and cranking it out on a regular basis; I’ve become an expert in the field.

“But Hansi”, some may say, “You are Hansi’s Hallucinations”.  Well no shit, and I’m glad most of my readers (who come along in the deal) are not a bunch of dumb turds; had my fill of them in Probationland.  See, when you buy Hansi’s Hallucinations, you buy Hansi too!  Yes Sir!  I’m selling myself.  And if you keep me properly medicated with stacks of drawing paper and an abundance of ink pens nearby, I’ll crank out blog posts for ya all day.

I figure a starting figure of $250,000 US Dollars would be fair, and more than adequately supplement my lavish (just above poverty level) government retirement.  And if you act now, I’ll even come to your house to begin.  You just gotta supply the pens , paper, a nice chardonnay (no cheap shit!) and possibly a cigar or two, and I’ll just plop down in your living-room in all my unshaven, flannel shirt wearing splendiforous glory, and get right to work.  Oh yeah.  You’re gonna need a good stereo system: I’ll bring the music and even some of my special herbal refreshments that help me draw so well.

Ladies, don’t worry about The Wife.  She won’t mind.  She’s had so much of a good thing with old Hansi, that she’s near unto overdosing on me; like when some of your best medicine turns toxic on ya, and makes you paranoid, or wanna run to the fridge and eat everything inside. [You have to keep a well stalked stocked fridge too!  Cause sometimes I get the screaming munchies, and that’s not a force ya wanna recon with.]

So think about.  Remember, with the Hans, not only to you get a renaissance response in nonchalance, but ya also get a schwance 🙂

What I Like About Blogging

What I like about blogging is that on my blog,  I get to do what I want.  Maybe that’s why I chose the name Hansi’s Hallucinations.  Watch out for that mindless blog link loop!

I don’t have anything to sell, and when you don’t have anything to sell, you’re not beholding to a readership who you are subtly trying to manipulate into making a purchase.  Nothing to sell; but I have been accused of peddling smut.   Good thing Bullshit is still free.  But somehow people are willing to pay for it, and pay huge speaker fees to certain folks for their brand, just so they can spout a bunch of bullshit to an audience eagerly awaiting to gobble it up.  Doesn’t make sense to me, but then again,  If there’s bullshit ’bout to go down, I wanna be the Bullshit-tor, NOT the Bullshit-ee.

So I guess it’s the freedom of expression that I like about the Blog-o-shere.  I can slap together anything I want, from drawings to rants, and with a click of the mouse, sent them off into cyber-space for the whole world to see.  Pretty trippy, don’t cha think?

Odds and Ends

As soon as I finish a drawing session, I usually photograph and edit the drawings and save them in a special folder on my computer: Hansi’s Drawings.  Lately I’ve been grinding out so much stuff, I’m getting confused as to what I’ve posted.

Here’s some stuff that made it onto The Blithering Idiot, my other drawing blog, which I don’t promote so much, but am shamelessly doing so now 🙂  I know, it’s a cheap trick, but if I post all this random stuff on Hansi, I can clean out my drawing folder.  And that means it’s ready to be filled up again with more delightful madness.

Sure feels good, not only getting my drawings nicely organized in an orderly way, but my life too.  A win win relationship

Life is like a balancing act.  Things go a lot more smoothly if ya keep all your ducks in a row, lined up and in order.  Otherwise they’ll run amok and shit all over the place.

Wrap your mind around that!

Tumor in my Brain

Ya ever wonder what it would be like to have a tumor in your brain?  An invasive growth that wanted to take over your body?  NOT the scary kind like cancer.  God forbid!  I wouldn’t want to wish that anyone except my worst enemies.  But the kind that’s been done in so many science fiction movies and bad TV shows.

Instead of finding such a prospect terrifying, I think it would be kinda cool.  It would sure make life a lot easier, cause ya wouldn’t  have to think all the time.  Instead, like cruise-control on your car, your Tumor could take over, and free ya up enough to stretch out and enjoy the ride.  Plus, if you ever screwed-up really badly, you could always blame it on your Tumor.  [“My Tumor made me do it!”]  Not only does that get ya off the hook, but is great for gaining sympathy.  And sympathy can sometimes into a sym-phony, if ya let your tumor take over for ya again.

I think my Tumor is starting to crap-out,  and stop thinking for me.  Here’s another drawing the  Tumor did.  It’s all its fault; hope you enjoy the drawing.


And speaking of evolution, the old Blog-a-roo has certainly changed.  For the better?  Who knows?  Except in evolution, everything is suppossed to grow and get better.  And if ya don’t, you either get eaten up or die. So if one is evolving, they got to be getting better,  If that weren’t true, then we’d all be back in the slime.

And speaking of slime.  Now that Mitt Romney looks to have sewn up the GOP nomination for President, a real Slime-fest is about to begin.  I can’t wait, how bout you?

Anyway, back to personal growth (Not the new theme here).  I’m finally drawing more and writing less.  Sure hope the drawing is evolving and getting better.  But maybe, instead of evolving into a great artist, I”ve been created that way.  Sure wish that was true.  It’d make drawing a heck of a lot easier.

And speaking of whats easy.  It’s by far much easier not weighing myself down with such unanswerable questions.  It’s oh so much easier to look at a picture, rather than read a thousand words.

And speaking of words.  I’m done with the writing part of this post.  Below are some more pictures.  I call ’em “thousand-worders”.


I know!   I spelled “evolved” wrong in the first drawing.  Oh well, no Spell-check on the old drawing pad.  Damn, March 23rd was a good day for drawing but no for spellin’.

Hansi’s My Name, Hallucinating’s My Game

No need to ask me what’s on my mind.  Cause I show ya just about every other day.  Lately I’ve taken to drawing in the evenings after diner.  And do you know what just happened?  Just as I typed the word dinner, The wife called out “dinner’s ready”.   I shit you not and swear to God.   How’s that for a coinky-dink?

Now I’m stuffed, and it’s hard to think.  But anyway, I’ve been doing and posting a lot of drawings lately, and started thinking, “Is there a theme in all this nonsense somewhere?”

I suppose.   I am interested in the female figure, and draw it, in all it’s perplexing glory, a heck of a lot.  I also do a lot of profiles.  I guess you can say I got a ‘style’, although I dislike that word when it comes to art.   Not that I think what I’m doing is ‘art’, let alone ‘great art’.  Hell no, it’s pure fun, just like it is for my nine year old grandson.

And the coolest part of all this fun is it’s My Fun.  Kinda like when the Star-ship Enterprise heads off into new worlds, to discover new things and new species.  The Federation may have a hands-off rule about other species, but I don’t!  In fact I have a ‘hands-on’ policy.  I get to mess with the stuff I create, but sometimes the species ends up feces after I get done intervening with it.   Oh well, think I’ll dive into my next world 🙂

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