Hallmark Christmas Movies

 

If you have cable or satellite TV, you probably get the Hallmark channel.  And like all the specialty channels that abound these days, Hallmark specializes in G rated light-weight romance movies.  Their Christmas movies have a huge audience, mostly women who prefer non-violent schmaltz with happy endings over the more edgier stuff on Amazon Prime, HBO, Netflicks and all the other subscriber channels ya gotta pay extra for.

They are all basically the same:  A young attractive woman who has a high paying dream-job in the big city that affords her the opportunity to frequent coffee bars, enjoy long leisurely lunches in nice restaurants (always with a glass of wine), and whose boss is always kind, supportive and allows her much time off (did I mention that these are fantasies) to travel to her small home-town because Daddies Christmas tree farm is in danger of being bought-out by a greedy corporation who wants to turn the place into condos.  What’s a girl to do?  Matters get worse when the corporate rep, a good-looking single guy who just loves her cute young son/daughter, shows up in town at the same time.  The tension between the two , who are always smiling (as is everyone else) builds.  But somehow despite all odds, love is in the air, along with a lot of hot chocolate and snowball fights, and Mister Wrong turns out to be Mister Right.  He softens up and they fall in love.  The Christmas tree farm is saved, Daddy is put in an Alzheimer’s home, and they seal the deal with a kiss (always closed mouth and never any  tongue).  Oh yeah, it turns out that he was actually a Prince in disguise.

These are really low budget movies that only take three weeks to shoot.  Most of the cast are straight out of community theater, and if they do have a ‘star’, they are usually well past their prime.  All the hot actresses of the 80’s and 90’s are now playing not so hot grandmas.  You kinda know them when ya see ’em, the challenge is: what sit-com where they on thirty years ago?

The locations are always snow covered small mountain towns with thriving cup-cake bakeries, candle shops and antique stores.  Main street is over decorated with all manner of Holiday paraphernalia.  And every interior shot filled floor to ceiling with holly, ribbon and multiple Christmas trees.

Wow Hansi!  How come you know so much about Hallmark movies?  Well…The Wife loves ’em, and we start recording them as soon as they come out in early September.  Every night until Christmas is a Hallmark movie in our house; we’re now staring to record “Winter” movies and are gearing up for Valentines (another biggie) shows.

I actually don’t mind these movies that much.  After an early evening of medication, listening to 60’s music on earphones and dreaming up blog stuff, it’s nice to settle in on the couch with a case of the munchies and watch something that isn’t too demanding.  The good part is I can fall asleep and not wonder how it ended.  They all end the same…Happily Ever-after.

Fleecing The Flock

 

In my ongoing attempt to avoid watching cable TV news in the morning while pedaling my ass off on a stationary bicycle at the gym (talk about going nowhere fast),  I’ve taken to watching TV evangelists, with the hopes that instead of starting my day totally pissed off, it might be better to start with a more positive attitude.  Problem is, as lofty and syrupy sweet some of them sound, or as positive ‘let God do it for ya’ do others, they all have one thing in common.   They all want your money!

Most of the “Prosperity Preachers” (see my post Peddling Prosperity, which I’m not linking as it’s too much work and which you can easily look to your right and see; why do I have to do all the work?), after inspiring your to place all your trust in God, end their shows with a pitch to purchase even more inspiring material for donations to their ministry.  Being on TV ain’t free, and some one has to pay for it.

The worst of the lot are those who’ll send you literature for free.  They’re thinking long-term, and from my own personal experience, want you to get hooked, become a member and start “tithing”.  If ya don’t know what tithing is, blow the dust off the cover of your family bible and check-out Leviticus 27: 30 and Numbers 18: 25-28. [ If you don’t have a bible you can always steal one from the next motel you stay in – nobody will notice].  Tithing was basically a national form of taxation for the ancient Israelites; a way to finance their temple-state form of government and all the priests that ran it. [Wish my tax-bracket were a mere ten percent].  Why is it that Jesus did away with all that old testament stuff, except except tithing, which a lot of his representatives feel is still valid today?

Anyway…sounds like someone is getting ripped-off.  Many of these folks have a multi-million dollar net-worth.  If your minister/TV evangelist is driving a better car than yours, guess who’s paying for it.  If he or she has a better wardrobe and dresses in more expensive cloths than you, guess who’s payin’ for that.  If they live in a much bigger and better house than yours, guess who’s paying the mortgage.  Seems likes someone is getting rich on my dime.

I once made out a check to God and sent it in, but it was never cashed.  Guess nobody had proper I.D.  I’ve found that the next best, and most equitable thing to do when making an offering is to take all you money outdoors and throw it up into the air.  God will take what he truly needs, and what falls back to earth is yours. [This method does work as well on windy days, when instead you should use coins.]

All the above of course doesn’t apply to Hansi Ministries.  I gladly accept all free-will offerings: cash (Dollars Pounds Euros and Pesos – I live in Southern California) checks, money orders, credit cards,  Pay Pal and Bitcoins.

Peddling Prosperity

Just about every morning I go to the Gym.  And after some moderate strength training (weight lifting),  I spend 30 minutes literally pedaling my ass off on a recumbent stationary cycle which has it’s own little TV.  Normally I’ll watch cable news, stuff like CNN or MSNBC, or if I really wanna raise my heart rate, FOX.  But all that does is piss me off, so a few days ago I went channel surfing, while pedaling, and watched televangelist Joyce Meyer.

Wow!  What a show!  A sixty year old woman with painted lips like the Jokers, telling  everyone that God wanted you to go on an adventure with Him, and that He’ll solve all your problems and even reward you financially because He preferred to see the righteous prosper more than the wicked.  All ya needed to do to start was one of her books, which she’ll gladly send you for a love offering of $30 (or more).  Doing so would result in blessings ten times over, and there would be no stoppin’ ya then.

As warm and fuzzy all this feel-good shit sounded, a couple of things kinda didn’t sit right.  As I recall from Sunday School, Jesus talked about the poor being the ones who are blessed; not to lay up treasures on earth; how it’s easier for a camel to get through the eye of a needle than a rich man to enter the Kingdom of God; and  giving away all that you have to the poor.  Secondly, Paul said women should remain silent in church, and that it was “a disgrace” for them not to do so.

Well, times have changed, and what did Paul and Jesus know about Christianity anyway…they were Jewish.  What she, and others, like folksy sincere Joel Osteen, are preaching is the “Prosperity Gospel.”  And boy oh boy are they gettin’ rich.  Ms Meyer has an estimated net worth of 25 million dollars; Osteen around 40 mil.  This got me to thinkin’…God don’t want me just barely getting by on Social Security and a piddly-ass small county pension.  He wants me to be rich!

So ol’ Hans is now fleecing servicing the flock with his drawing ministry.  You too can enjoy the uplifting drawings that will bring you closer to God (and your financial goals) with a faith offering of $30 (or more).  In return, you’ll receive a personalized, digitally anointed Hansi original.  Just leave your credit card number, with expiration date and security code, in the comment section below, and you’ll be just a short copy and paste away from your adventure in faith with Hansi and all his inspiring artwork.

Babylon

Have ya ever wondered what it would have been like to live in ancient Babylon.  In the time of Nebuchadnezzar.  With all them hanging gardens, rich blue tile Ishtar gates and Daniel being thrown into the lions den (if you remember Sunday School – I hated it!  Not only was it bad enough having to sit in a classroom Monday thru Friday, but then going to school on the weekend, plus having to get dressed-up, that was a violation of sacred time off)?

Life was probably great in Babylon, if you were the king or part or the royal family, but if you were just an average Josiah Schmo, it most likely sucked.  Unless of course if you had a good job like scribe, sitting in the shade all day next to some cool moist clay tablets, writing down how great the King was; had to know cuneiform though.  I don’t think women were a big part of the work-force.  You were either a stay-at-home mom, or a concubine (another government job).

I remember as a kid Babylon being this really wicked place wherein the evil king, when he wasn’t having hallucinations of giant hands writing on his walls or dreaming about huge statues with golden heads and feet of clay, was busy feeding people to wild animals or throwing them in a fiery furnace.  Even in these days of Donald Trump, I think life in 21st century Southern California towers over that of the land of Babel.

Writin’ Stuff Down

If I don’t write stuff down I’ll forget it.  Most of the time that’s just fine with me.  But if I really wanna remember something I better have a written reminder, and preferably, one I won’t overlook.  Can’t just put a note on a loose pile of papers, cause sure as shit I won’t see it.  No, it’s gotta be a big old sign featured prominently like the one the Wife put on our refrigerator door:  Push Me Closed.  We have an older model fridge, which sometimes doesn’t close all the way because it’s so full of half eaten crap ya gotta rearrange everything inside to get what ya got out back in.  It would be a shame to leave the door ajar, and let all the junk you ain’t gonna eat go bad.

Sometimes when I walk by the fridge, I wonder “Push who closed?”  That reminds me, I better check the fridge to make sure it’s closed…Didn’t write it down.

I’m Not A Liberal Anymore

Yep,  Ol’ Hansi has gone over to the dark-side of politics, and is now a Conservative.  Although I’ve been a liberal (of the bleeding heart variety) for just about all my adult life, I’ve found that lately I haven’t been happy.  In fact, I’ve been down-right grumpy, cynical and pissed off… all the time.  My frustration usually starts early in the a.m. when I watch Morning Joe (a liberal MSNBC talk-show) and continues into the evening chased by more left-wing progressive talking head shows.

From now on none of that stuff is gonna bother me anymore.  If I hear something I disagree with, no problem…it’s fake news.  Donald Trump is a great president.  He knows the art of the deal.  He’s gonna make America great again (if all them liberals and illegal aliens would get outta the way).  Cause he’s a business man, he’ll drain the swamp in Washington – Stormy Daniels monkey business notwithstanding.  I no longer care about the double standard and am very concerned about the unborn.  Hey, everybody knows if one standard is good, two’s gotta be better, and once outside the womb, it’s open-season on your ass!  Besides, as a newly converted conservative, I now know the secret password (jesus…but don’t tell anybody) which is like a ‘Get Out of Jail Free’ card. All this new found euphoria ain’t gonna come cheap for Ol’ Hansi.  I gotta rush out and buy a gun to protect my Second Amendment rights; everything is gonna be  just fine once I’m fully armed.

Wow…All this new-found conservatism is starting to look really good.  I’m a lot happier now, but I don’t think I’ll be ripping-up my medical marijuana prescription just yet.  Never know when you’ll need a little help from on High.

Disclaimer:  My writing skills being what the may, some folks might misconstrue this as absolute truth, instead of parody, satire, sarcastic lampoonery or just plain bullshit as was my intention.

Ya Can’t Un-See This

Nope.  It’s now forever etched into your memory.  No matter how hard ya try, you won’t be able to un-see this image.  It’s in there forever, kinda like the digital history of all the smutty porn sites you’ve been to and think you’ve erased by clearing your browser history and cookies.  Not so.  It’s on your permanent record, and it can’t be wiped clean.

Sorry.  Maybe I should’ve posted a warning.