mind expanding nonsense

Archive for the ‘General Insanity’ Category

Hunkering Down In America

 

Well… here we are in the middle of July, and instead of evaporating in the hot summer air, that sneaky ol’ Corona Virus has not only managed to survive but thrive (no doubt due to the number of dumb-shits who refuse to wear a mask).  It now looks like we’re in the early innings of a shit-show double header.  Despite all this, life isn’t too bad for some of us (and that may be another part of the problem) who either still have jobs or a steady source of income and can weather this apocalyptic new normal with an attitude of tolerance, less consumption and a sustainable lifestyle that benefits all.

Enough of this crazy talk.  Here’s some more mindless scribbles that I’ve recently cranked-out.  Still the same old stuff, but when ya got your mojo workin’, ya sure want it to work on you.  Stay safe and enjoy the new normal; with your mask on of course.

Everything Is Turning To Shit And I Have A Front Row Seat

 

That’s what it feels like these days.  Every day is a shit-show, and I get to watch it on TV whilst sitting in my recliner ( every old geezer has one, and here in Hansi-land we have His and Hers recliners – a sure sign of advanced geezerhood.  Most nights around 8:00, a visitor from another planet would find old Hansi and The Wife kicked back in them recliners watching a Hallmark movie.  I rarely make it to the end of the movie before falling asleep, cause I usually move from recliner to the sofa to a assume a more prone position; that’s when it starts to get interesting.  By then my evening herbal medication is still working its magic, while I nod off into that nether-world of semi-consciousness and my filthy imaginative inner mind takes over. Instead of the usual boy meets girl who is in danger of losing her cupcake bakery plot, things start to get a little more kinky and start to resemble a science fiction movie instead of a romantic comedy.  So that wholesome looking sweet thing somehow turns into an alien queen from an evil planet hell-bent an dominating hapless earth-men with visions of interstellar intercourse and cosmic coitus that even Captain Kirk could not resist).

Oh well…I lost tract of the shit-show, so above is a new page of the drawings I cranked out in June. Below, something from the archives.

The End Is Near

The end of our forced Covid 19 lock-down may be near, but I ain’t jumping into any re-opening anytime soon.  The end may be near, but I’m stayin’ as far away from it as my ancient ass can socially distance itself. The end is near, but the handwriting is on the wall (two cool biblical apocalyptic phrases in one), a rush back to ‘normal’ is surely gonna end in disaster.

It’s funny how the ways in which you can tell enemies from friends is changing once again.  It used to be, in the good ol’ daze days that if someone was of a different color than you, well they had to be your enemy, mainly because they were different and competing for the same resources.  That used to work for our cave-man ancestors, but not all of them.  The Neanderthals ended up on the wrong side of that equation and look what happened to them.  So skin color is not a reliable indicator.

Ya gotta look a little closer to distinguish friend from foe, like which church they go to, or in the case of my Neanderthal forefathers, which god or idol they place their trust in.  When I was a kid, we Lutherans knew that them Catholics were no good, and always up to something involving the Pope, like digging a tunnel to the Vatican or cleaning rifles in the church basement. That used to be a sure-fire way to tell who’s who.  The problem was, Lutherans and Catholics are virtually the same deal, with the exception that we Lutherans had no Pope, and our priests (pastors) got to screw Nuns, but they had to marry them first and make them wives, which meant they still got none.  You could only have one wife however, and not a whole convent full, lest you become like old testement King Solomon who had a shit-load of wives.  The danger there being you could fall into Judaism, which means you’d have to have your wee-wee circumcised.

Sadly, now a days all them sure-fire tricks to tell friend from foe no longer work as well as they once did.  But!  Thanks to the Corona Virus and the need to wear masks, it’s easy to tell who’s an evil-doer and who’s not.  Used to be that only the bad guys wore masks, like bank robbers and such, but then along came the Lone Ranger, and he was a good guy wearing a mask.  Go figure.

Well leave it to a world-wide pandemic for the culture wars to politicize mask wearing for health and safety reasons.  Wearing a mask is now either a badge of honor or disdain.  No need to break out all that camouflage gear ya got hanging in your closet with the assault weapon next to the kid’s bedroom.  All ya gotta do is go outside maskless and start mingling within six feet of others, and everyone can tell that you’re a red-blooded American patriot enjoying his right to pursue happiness as you see fit.

What have we come to?  The Corona Virus doesn’t care if you’re on the left or on the right or live in a blue state or red state.  It doesn’t give a shit about your “Rights’.  It’s an equal opportunity killer.  Oh well…Live Free AND Die.

Global Warning

I really meant the title of this post to be Global Warming, but instead of typing an m, I typed an n.   And because my spell-checker didn’t catch it as a mis-spelling, I wasn’t aware of my blunder until later..  So much for all this artificial intelligence crap; I knew what I meant.  From now on I’m gonna stick with my own natural, organic, 100% whole wheat, analogue intelligence. Anyway, what’s the big deal?  N or M.  As we used to say in the probation department, ‘close enough for government work’.

Everybody in North America knows there ain’t no global warning warming.  This winter we’ve been freezing our asses off.  Meanwhile, those who live in the southwest have been suffering from drought and heat-waves. [Maybe if they hadn’t shut down all them coal fired power plants we’d have enough electricity to run our air conditioners 24/7.

The Green New Deal they’re talking about means no more driving- unless ya own a Prius or one of them all electric cars which ya charge-up with your own electricity which comes from a nuclear power plant.  I think the real culprit is all them farting cows releasing noxious methane gas into the air.  Does that also mean no more hamburgers? (which makes me fart…must be cow karma).  My solution is to attach a little device with a pilot light to their top sirloins, and poof, no more methane.  It would be like when ya had a box of matches when you were a kid and played ‘fun with flatulence’.

Per-Verse

 

Pu-lease

What a sleaze

Makes me wanna sneeze

Like a blustery breeze

With a scent of cheese

(Which is good for your knees)

All to be at ease.

Oh jeez

It’s gonna freeze

Let’s go out for some Chinese.

No way!

I’m not rollin’ in the hay

That’ll be the day

Some people say

So I think I’m gonna stay

To avoid the fray

Come as it may

Sitting on the dock of the bay

There’ll be hell to pay

Hey hey hey

Doin’ it my way.

 

Memory Bank

I wish I had a tape recorder in my head so I could record all the shit I think about, and then play it back at my leisure to evaluate if there was anything of socially redeeming value left behind. From what I do recall, the contents are usually fairly shallow, and if they hold my attention at all, mainly consist of mesmerizing fantasies.

Wouldn’t it be cool if there was a way to slow it all down  and evaluate each thought that strolls through your mind?  You could score each thought on a scale of 1 to 10.  One being shear bullshit, and ten something worthy of action.  Then ya wouldn’t save to save them up in your memory bank (mine is bank-rupt).  I can sorta do that now, but usually they come whippin’ by so fast I can’t focus on one for the distraction of another.  Then there’s the instant evaluation as to like or dis-like, with clinging on to the ‘likes’ and jettisoning the ‘dis-likes’ before they grow into paranoia.  Right now I’m consistently scoring in the high 3’s.

…I wrote this the night before my seventy second birthday – Birthday Eve.  Boy, I could sure go for some birthday cake right about now.

Smile

Although it may not seem like it at times, the world isn’t such a bad place.  The earth is still my favorite planet despite all its shortcomings. That’s why at least once a day, when the situation warrants, I try to smile.  It’s good for ya.

Dirty Limericks

I love dirty limericks, you know, those five line verses that are usually outrageous, sometimes obscene (the funnier ones) and have witty rhymes usually dealing with one’s anatomy.  The men from Nantucket and Trent are among my favorites, (shame on you if ya know what I’m talking about).  If you’re familiar with these two, good for you.  If not, you’ll have to look ’em up on Wikipedia.  (see ribald version).

I can’t print them here cause they’re way too nasty, and this is an All American Boy (of German descent) wholesome blog.  What I did is clean them up a bit, while still hinting at their bawdy nature.  So get your filthy mind outta the gutter and enjoy.

There once was a man from Trent.

Who couldn’t afford to pay the rent

He said it was no trouble

“Next month I’ll pay double

Cause right now all my assets have been spent.”

*

There once was a man from Nantucket.

Who carried his lunch in a bucket.

When he started to dig in,

Milk exploded from a tin,

So instead of chewing, he had to suck it.

 

No Explanation Needed

Sometimes these drawings need no explanation whatsoever.  They are what they are, and they don’t need a deeper understanding (which could only lead your filthy imagination to dirty thoughts, and that’s not good).  Other times I just come up short and have nothing to say.  That’s because I drew all this stuff months ago, and have since, totally forgotten what  I was thinking about.  There are however, brief glimpses of insight when I draw and write at the same time.  That’s the best of both worlds.

October

October must have been a pretty strange month.  All I can remember is that was sandwiched in there between September and November…if my memory serves me well.   And that’s the problem.  Lately, I’ve been getting some fairly shoddy service outta my memory.  It’s always late, not dependable, and if I took it out for a drive to the desert, I’d probably crap-out and leave me stranded.

 

Chameleons

Wouldn’t it be weird if we could just walk around and change colors at whim.  I’m not talking about me turning from an old white man into an old black man.  But what if ya wanted to, based on the  environment, you had the ability to turn orange, or maybe even have blue dots all over ya.  Should, of course the situation warrant.  You’ve heard of being ‘green with envy’.   Well, if that manifested itself in diamonds, you’d know it was a bad case.

Emotions have colors.  Depression is blue.  Rage and anger is red  Cowardice is yellow, and white is pure, black evil.  The Wife often asks me why I show all my “pornographic” drawings all over the internet, “Aren’t you embarrassed?”.   Turning pink, I respond, “why no sweetheart, it’s not ‘porn’, it’s art.  And all my Internet friends say they really like it”.  Wonder what color you turn when you’re lying’ your ass off?  May be orange with yellow hair?

May June…January?

Should be May June, July.  It’s more orderly, sequential, and they follow each other on the calendar.  There’s a seven month gap in there when I didn’t visit my sketchbook.  Maybe I take my sketchbook for granted, it’ll be there, waiting for me.  Wonder if it gets pissed at me for not paying enough attention?

There is, after all, a whole world in there with a life of its own.  When my sketchbook is closed, all the drawings start movin’ around, and sometimes even go to other pages (but that rarely happens as they are usually to busy defiling one another to go anywhere else).  When I open my book, they all immediately freeze and try to pass themselves off as the real deal, but sometimes they’re just a little too slow.

Blogging and Bullshit

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I stopped blogging way back in 2015 after I started thinking that this whole blogging business is was a total bunch of bullshit.   But upon reflection – a few years later – I think it was fun bullshit. (Every thing is a matter of degrees.  There’s felony bullshit, and misdemeanor bullshit.  Mine is kinda like an infraction: you can get fined but no jail time.)  Come to think of it, this whole Hansi’s Hallucinations is bullshit.  It’s content is bullshit, publishing it is bullshitting, and it’s consumption (your part) makes one therefore, to become full of bullshit.

Anyway, all bullshitting aside, the reason I’m posting after all this time  is because I met a real-live person, who wasn’t a relative who politely checked out my blog only to find it crude and disgusting, who was a follower.  My thirty eight year old son finally got married and invited a friend who’d actually made comments and all that.  Trippy…I know.  Hard to believe that behind all that folks out there blogging, there’s a real living person (wish I would’ve know that earlier).

woman

He encouraged me to post again.  I hadn’t stop drawing, in fact I’ve been doing quite a lot, so here ya go.  While not Total bullshit, they do have an odor of steer manure.  Also don’t read too much into the subject matter, it’s just a vehicle for me to play with color, line shading and volume.  If you think I this stuff is in anyway erotic or suggestive, well…You’ve got a Dirty mind.  And shame on you for your phallic obsessions and please keep your filthy thoughts to yourself.

threesome.jpg

Oh yeah…. Sorry for using the word shit so much…it is kinda gross.  But since our President has used it publicly, especially when describing foreign countries,  I feel the door has been opened and  bullshit normalized, for he does set the standard, especially for our Youth.

S.O.S.

black 003

S.O.S.  The Same Old Shit.  One of the big dangers of being fully retired with no intention of ever working another day in your life is:  doing the same ol’ shit.  You know.  The same thing every day.  Kinda like going to work and having a career (long term doing the same ol’ shit): eating at the same time every day, watching the same shows every night (Dancing With The Stars is on tonight – Oh boy!).  Every afternoon puttering around in the garden, reading, making a salad for dinner, eating, having a little ‘medication’, listen to old records for two hours, followed by watching some more bullshit on TV, and then it’s off to bed.  Sounds like a full day to me [I never found working for a living that damned fulfilling].

black 004bWell, as groovy as doing the same thing everyday is – and don’t get me wrong, when you got your day finely dialed in with all your favorite activities included, life don’t get much better than that.  It’s pretty cool.  But sometimes…I start to loose interest.  How can that be?  I’m doing all my favorite things, all the time, (I’m a firm believer in ‘If a little is good, a lot is better’).  Things start to get boring.

That’s exactly what happened to my drawing.  I found myself drawing the same thing (old shit) over and over again.  So I stopped.  That’s one way to get rid of a stubborn nagging problem; just quit (or leave her).  The worst part was, it affected my blogging.  Although this is not an art blog, my drawings always feature prominently.   Not that they are necessarily related to the verbiage: drawing is drawing and writing is writing, and never the twain shall meet.  But now I make an exception.  Here’s something new…on black paper.  Trippy, don’t cha think?

black 006

Black n White

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Sometimes I sure wish everything was in black and white.  Maybe that’s why I’m hooked on old TV shows from the fifties and sixties.  A lot of that stuff was only in black and white.  It wasn’t until the late fifties that things started showing up in color.  “W0w!  I saw color TV” was the big push for RCA color sets.  Early color TV was a little cheezie, not like the high definition, mega pixel flat screens of today which are so clear you can see the hairs growing outta peoples noses.  [That’s something I gotta stay on top of every now and then or else there’s a virtual rain forest of hanging vines cascading from my nostrils.  No hairs in my ears yet – a sure sign you’re a full fledged geezer].

I wish things were simple like in the old TV shows.  The ‘good guys’ always won, and the bad guys always lost (you tell them cause they always wore black).  Doing the right thing always prevailed, like in The Rifleman, and those who didn’t usually ate shit (they were the sleazie looking guys who constantly looked over their shoulders).  Choices were easy; either black or white.  It’s when I became an adult, that I realized everything is a shade of grey.  Not like in the movie by that name, which was all about kinky sex and perverted relationships and still so poorly made that most found it boring despite being loaded with all that good stuff.

Nope.  There’s no black or white issues. Everything is a matter of opinion, or has a ‘spin’ on it, except the above drawings, they’re  in black n white., and without spin.

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