mind expanding nonsense

Archive for November, 2010

Reptile Dysfunction

A few years ago there started to appear on television, really ambiguous commercials featuring older couples longingly looking at each other with sappy looks on their faces, who ended up in separate bathtubs out in the country or at the end of a pier. Now I wasn’t paying much attention back then, and thought I heard them talking about Reptile Dysfunction. That didn’t make much sense to me cause I didn’t see any lizards or anything. But then I found out that they weren’t talking about reptile dysfunction but Erectile Dysfunction, or E D. Now that made more sense, cause  I wasn’t seein’ any snakes, and apparently, neither was she.

It now appears, at least from the number of E D spots on the evening news, that there is an epidemic of us old dinosaurs with limp lizards who just can’t raise our ding-dongs; guys beggin’ for a boner, wishin’ for a woodie, suffering from a lack of stiffies, or just plain hankerin’ for a hard-on. I wonder whats the cause of this aliment. How could something that worked so wonderfully when a teenager, peter out on ya late in life? Maybe it’s those 60 plus hours a week at the office, the pressure to put kids through college, maxing-out your 401K. Or maybe it just gets down to this: after 30 years, how many more times can I keep hittin’ that thang?

Whatever the reason, I sure wouldn’t try the drugs they’re pushing on TV. That stuff could kill ya; and the list of side effects (which ironically enough include impotence) are longer than my you-know-what.

Can ya see yourself dropping dead on top of the old lady with a four hour erection? May be good for her, but I certainly don’t want to go out that way.

Here’s what I would suggest. First and foremost: Get out of them separate bathtubs! Last time I checked, sex was still a full contact sport, and there ain’t nothing in modern medicine that’s gonna lengthen the ligham of the occupant in Tub A long enough, to have any meaningful effect upon the recipient in Tub B.  Rather, get in a Hot Tub; have a glass of wine or do a doobie; stop worrying about your dangeling dick, and you’ll do ya just dandy. It works for me.

So, when it comes to reptile dysfunction, follow my advice.  Just say no to drugs (the pharmaceutical types), chill out, and your lizard will function just fine.

This drawing really has nothing to do with the above.  But I though I’d throw it in cause this is my 5th post.

The Chinese & Diapers

I heard a spot on National Public Radio the other day about how multi national paper companies are trying to make an inroad into the Chinese market selling disposable diapers. With close to a billion Chinese on this planet, it would appear that this is a market just waiting to, how shall we say, be saturated.

Much to corporate America’s chagrin, there appears to be considerable cultural resistance to this move, not on the part of the young parents, who view disposables as a new status symbol, but by the Chinese grandmothers, who entrusted with the bulk of child care, prefer to toilet train infants at an early age as it encourages self confidence and other characteristics beneficial to society as a whole.  Apparently the Chinese Gen-Xers feel it is more chic for their babies to walk around with a fresh load of shit in their pants, while grandma feels it’s disgusting.

The story described how Chinese grand mothers begin toilet training at an extremely early age; sometimes as early as one month.  They do so by ringing a bell every time the child soils himself and then gradually hold them over a toilet and ring the bell to encourage like behavior.  Sounds like classic Pavlovian conditioning to me.   With this simple consistent technique, most Chinese babies achieve full control of bodily functions within their first year.

The Grannies seem to be winning the cultural battle going on between the ways of tradition versus  American pop, or is it poop, culture.   Maybe this is one of the reasons why Christianity hasn’t gained much of a foothold in China. For whenever a young Chinese hears church bells, they’re not running off to worship, but trying to find a toilet, and quick!

I am not a Hater

I am not a Hater.  Nor am I a misandrist or a misogynist, but sometimes find myself a bit of a misanthrope, especially when mankind stoops to new lows in doing evil to one another.  What I do abhor and find particularly loathsome is the dumbing down of the English language into a tweet- able form.   Hater is a term I despise, for it implies that one is a bad person if they do not like or agree with you. “If you don’t like me you’re a hater and therefore a baaaad person, not a good one like me because you hate something and I don’t.”

Well I hate (extreme dislike) bullshit, especially when it’s ripe and the smell obvious. I hate (extreme dislike) war. I hate hypocrocy. I hate deceptive propaganda.   Does that make me a hater?  Well, maybe  a good hater.   And if I’m a good hater, there is room for improvement for me to become a better hater.  And with a lot of really hard work, I could be the best hater in the world; but that would require that I have God on my side, and if He’s on my side, why then he certainly can’t be on yours.

I really don’t mean to disparage those of the younger set who are fond of ‘haters’ usage, but I have a certain disdain for a simplicity and coinage of new words whose meaning is unclear, and whole heartedly disapprove of its use, feeling it is something that should be shunned all together. Don’t get me wrong, I share no malice for anyone who uses the term, I just have an aversion to ambiguity and shudder at the thought that words are losing their meaning. You may deride me for this, but I am willing to suffer your scorn and disfavor, knowing that while you may show contempt for my views, you will not bear a grudge against me.

I Love Sarah Palin

female warrior

I don’t really love Sarah Palin.  Like is even too strong a word.  Admire? Naw.   Envy.  That’s it!  I envy Sarah because because she has the ability to utter sheer nonsense and logic defying statements without any apparent regard for there being any basis in reality as to their truthfulness or accuracy; all the while not causing a ripple of concern amongst her followers.  That’s certainly my goal; and she’s beat me to the punch.

If I were to quit my job as governor, while maintaining that I wasn’t quitting, but rather leaving my job as a public servant to better serve the public, I’d be labeled just a crazy old white man.  I’d be labeled an angry old white man if I were to point out that a lady in California spent over $100 million of her own money in an ill fated attempt at the same sorta job to serve and help out us public people.  (She probably lost by the way, because we Californians realized that spending a hundred million for a 500 thousand  dollar a year job, is not a good return on your money, and brings into question ones ability as a good businessman .)  If slipped and  said North Korea was our ally, I’d be booed off the stage and reminded that North Korea was part of the Axis of Evil along with Iran and those other guys.

I need not go on.  But needless to say, that girl has orbital thinking and delusion down to a fine art, and that’s my goal.  Because my brand of delusion is far more superior to yours.

One more thing.  the above drawing is not intended to infer that Sarah is a Nazi.  That would be Un-American.  It’s just the only drawing that I had available wherein the female figure had their clothes on.  And I would never think of Sarah naked.




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