Whatever you do, the one thing you don’t ever wanna do is get stopped for drunk driving. Because if you’re caught driving under the influence of alcohol, or while intoxicated, or just generally messed-up on booze, well you’re screwed. So unless you’re in the market for a good screwing, ya never ever wanna get “picked up” on a “deuce”, DUI, DWI, or what ever ya call it where you live.
And here’s why. You may think old Hansi is just some retired guy who sits around the house all day loaded and drawing weird shit to post on his stupid blog. Well that’s true 99% of the time. But a couple times a week, I go back to the House of Pain and work for my former probation department as a extra-help Probation Officer. There, I assist two full time P.O.s who supervise two massive 2000 person first time DUI caseloads.
People convicted of driving Under the Influence are put on formal probation in my California County, and that means a Probation Officer is checking on you to see if you’re paying your $3000 in fines and fees; doing your work program (which you gotta pay for); and attending your three to nine month drinking driver program (alcohol school, which ya once again gotta pay for too).
And if ya don’t, and one of us finds out ( here’s where the fornicating begins), then I’m writing a Violation of Probation declaration (no wonderful illustrations on them puppies), and sending you a nasty little letter telling you when your ass better be in court to avoid having a Bench Warrant issued for your arrest. Pretty cool. Now I don’t know about you, but I couldn’t stand having someone like me, jumping in my shit and creating a world of hurt for my ass just because I didn’t do something I was told to do. No Sir. Fuck that shit!
Pretty bizarre huh? And one might even wonder, “Why the hell are you doing what ya did for thirty years now in retirement?” Well, it’s simple. See,I like having money (vaporizers and good medicine don’t come cheap), and fucking with people and being an asshole are the only marketable skills I have; ain’t no money in blogging.
So, next time you’re out n the town getting wasted, think about old Hansi. Call a cab, it’s much cheaper than three years of probation. Like they say in my neck of the woods: “Come to Ventura on vacation, leave on probation”.