mind expanding nonsense

NFTs For Sale

OKAY….I’ve finally found a way to make money from blogging and get rich quick on the Internet. I’m selling all my art work as NFTs. In case you’ve been too busy working on the Arizona election vote re-count and not paying attention to the real world, NFT stands for Non-Fungible Tokens. You can check that out via the god Google or ask his consort the goddess Alexa (who I find to be somewhat dense in that she doesn’t respond well to sexual innuendo, and takes things much too literally) for what fungible means and why my drawings are not that. Basically it’s just like Bitcoins: money you can’t spend or put in your piggy-bank, except this is fine art you can own but not really possess, let alone hang on your wall.

Now you may be wondering, “Why on earth would I want to but something I can’t really have?” Good question, and I too wonder why the hell I buy half the crap that I do. But the thing is, when you buy my digitized work, you have exclusive ownership of it, not me anymore. So when someone googles ‘Cow-girls on Rockets’ they’ll be directed to one of these images and you can say, “I own that”. Plus, you can bookmark it for future enjoyment or even make it your screen-saver. Doesn’t get much better than that, and, it doesn’t take up a lot of space, so if ya got a garage so filled with bullshit that ya can’t even find your way to the back…no problemo.

Now I’m not asking a million dollars for these, that’s ridiculous, so I’m starting bidding in the low hundred thousand range. If you can’t live without owning a Cow-girl on a Rocket or the above Woman With Pastrami Sandwich just enter your name and credit card number, with expiration date and don’t forget that security code on the back, along with you bank account number, password, Social Security number, date of birth, drivers license (for I D verification) and next of kin in the comment section below. And low and behold it will be yours. I’ll even tear up the original and send the shredded remains to your home address (must provide self addressed stamped envelope).

If ya buy two or more I’ll even throw in this life-size portrait of Hot Dog Man (such a deal).

Additional shipping and handling fees may be required. I do not take Bitcoin.

Uriah the Hittite

This one is from almost ten years ago.  I got a few hits on it recently so I figured if two people were interested in the topic, the whole world might be also:

There’s nothing I like better than a good tale of intrigue, seduction and  betrayal.  And when ya mix in a little tail, well it don’t get much better than that.  Unless of course  that tale about tail comes from the Bible, then  it’s just a heavenly tail.  So hears the one about Uriah the Hittite.  Break out them Bibles (if ya still own one), cause I got some good BS  (bible study) for you.

Fist of all, who the hell was Uriah the Hittite?  Well he wasn’t the guy down at the local convenience store who liked wearing turbans.  He was Bathsheba ‘s husband, you know, of David and Bathsheba fame (it’s starting to get juicy already).  The story unfolds in II Samuel chapter eleven, with King David at home in Jerusalem while his army was out of town destroying the children of Ammon (why he left the adults alive is beyond me) and working on the town of Rabbah.

Being at war constantly is tiring, and being a genocidal maniac on top of it all makes matters  worse, so one night when he couldn’t  sleep, King David goes up on his roof  and sees Bathsheba taking a bath (wonder if a pun was intended?  Bath Sheba bath) on a lower rooftop nearby. Man was she hot, not being content to just enjoying a little eventide voyeurism, Dave decides  ‘I’ve got to have some of that stuff’,  and inquires after her.   Well she turns out to be the wife of one of his officers fighting in Rabbah, and with hubby out of town, Dave takes that as an opportunity to “lay with her”.  Well that turned out to be a pretty good lay, cause not only was she “purified from her uncleanness”, but got knocked up on top of it.

[OK, this may be a little off-track here, but now we know where (from whenst) the term “get layed” came from….the Bible.  Those folks back then were sure doing a lot of laying around and getting to know people (knew meant screw) back then.  Right friendly folk.]

So after Bathsheba told David she was “with child”,  the King started thinking he better do something.  No problemo.  All Dave had to do was have Hubby Uriah sent back home, let nature take it course by letting Uriah do what men do best; and everybody would think the kid was Uriah’s.  No DNA testing in them days.  Sounds good, no?

Problem was, not only was Uriah a loyal soldier in David’s army,  he also had  character and uncompromising principles too.  So when he gets back from the front, what does he do?  Go home for a little R & R?  nope…Uriah spends the night outside David’s house sleeping with the servants.  That didn’t work out the way it was planned, and when David asked him why, here’s what Uriah said: “The Ark and Israel, and Judah abide in tents; and my lord Joab [the general] and the servants of my lord, are camped out in the open fields: shall I then go into mine house, to eat  and to drink, and to lie [more laying, not telling fibs] with my wife?  as thou liveth and as thy soul liveth, I will not do this thing”. (verse 11.)

Shazam!  How do ya deal with that???   This guy Uriah couldn’t be bought.  No problemo.  David had a back-up plan.  David sent Uriah back to the front with a message to his general Joab.  Too bad he didn’t take a peek, cause the message said: “Set ye Uriah in the forefront of the hottest battle, and retire ye from him, that he may be smitten and die.” (verse 15).  Now how low can you go?  That’s just plain chicken shit.  David was the one “smitten”, now Uriah be the one ending up smotten, and sure enough, it happened just as planned.

God sure seems to tolerate a lot of stuff: our human frailty when it come to sex, mass murder (of the heathen only), even an occasional white lie, but when it comes to rewarding loyalty with treachery and betrayal, well that didn’t sit well with the Lord (verse 27).

Well there’s got to be a moral to this story somewhere, after all it does come from the Bible.  So along comes Nathan the Prophet in chapter twelve, who told David this little story about a rich man and a poor man who both lived in the same city.   The rich guy had all his assets tied up in flocks and herds, but the poor man only had “one little ewe lamb”, which he had bought and nourished up: and it grew up together with him, and his children: it did eat of his own meat, and drank of his own cup, and lay in his bosom [ ?? hmm, oh well] and was unto him as a daughter.”  (verse 3).

Sounds kinda kinky to me , but that’s why I like the King James Version.  Any way, rich guy gets a visitor, and instead of taking a lamb out of his own flock,  he takes the poor man’s only lamb and cooks it for his guest.  Ewe, that was horrible.   David got pissed and told Nathan: “As the Lord liveth, the man that hath done this thing shall surely die.”   (verse 5).

The metaphor having gone right over his head, the good King shit a brick when Nathan told him: “Thou art the man”.  Nathan went on to chastise David, who had been given so much, for doing  this evil deed.  Not only was “the sword” never to depart from his house,  but the lord was going to take all David’s wives away from him and let his neighbors “lie with thy wives in the sight of the sun.  For thou didst it secretly: but I will do this thing before all Israel, and before the sun.” (verses 10&11).   That would be a sight to behold.

You can read the rest of the story on your own, and draw your own conclusions.  But one thing sure seems clear to me, God  don’t take a liking to the poor being taken advantage of and being stabbed in the back.  If I were certain members of Congress or a  presidential candidate,  I’d sure think twice about raising taxes on the less fortunate in order to maintain tax breaks for the rich.   Could come back and bite ya in the ass…in a big way, and in public.

To Vax Or Not To Vax

WOW! I’m proud to announce, and very relieved to say that The Wife and I have been fully vaccinated and received our second Modera shot over two weeks ago. Thank you sweet jesus, and you too science. My two kids and their family have also been vaccinated, but other family members don’t and won’t. My twice born sister in-law refuses to be vaccinated as does my daughter in-laws’ father. Guess they’re not crazed commie liberals like old Hansi and his offspring.

I can’t understand why folks are refusing the Covid vaccine. Especially 40% of Republican men. My gawd, they’re already becoming an endanger species and now face the possibility of extinction. I know I can’t change them, so I must respect their decision (as I hope they respect mine). The thing of it is: this poses a moral delema as to who do I let into my home. Indoor gatherings and socialization are quickly becoming safe again, so long as everyone present is fully vaccinated. So what does one do? Allow unvaccinated family menbers into my home and hope to hell they’re not infectious and asymtomatic? Or do I use my better judgement and follow what’s worked for me this past year (science), and not invite them over? Who’s beliefs are more important: theirs or mine? Do ya shun them or suck it up and hope for the best because you don’t wanna offend them?

The Millennium

You may not of heard about this in Sunday School, but there’s this thing in the Bible called the Millennium which is the thousand year reign of Jesus on Earth. The time when He and his freshly resurrected followers will institute the kingdom/government of God on Earth. Sounds pretty good, don’t cha think? What could go wrong? Every time religion was in charge here below everything was just phucking wonderful. It all starts when Jesus returns in the clouds (which begs the question: when did He leave?) Too bad He’s gonna land at Jerusalem International, so if I wanna see it I’m gonna have to stay up late and watch it on the eleven o’clock news.

Here’s the thing: Not everybody in the twice-born community believes exactly when this will happen: Before or After the millennium. The Pre-millennialists believe it starts after Jesus returns to Earth, and the Post-millennials believe Jesus returns after the thousand years. I personally think a universal government of God focused on Truth, Justice and the American Way (oops..that’s Superman, not Jesus) would be pretty nice. All the different alien species on the Starship Enterprise (except those evil Klingons) seem to get along fairly well and like life under The Federation. Just think, everybody on their best behavior, and if there were some backsliding, they’d get a pitchfork pocked in their ass by an angel.

It’s those Post Millennialists ya gotta watch-out for. They think they got to bring Earth up to God’s standards before Jesus can return. That’s a lot of house-keeping, and entails instituting all the Old Testament biblical laws worldwide, which would be good for those in the medical profession that specialize in foreskin removal. Unfortunately, history has proven when God was in charge but absent, his servants made life pretty much a Hell on Earth.

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Dancing With Direct TV

Every year I gotta do this little dance with Direct TV. That’s because the 12 month contract I negotiated with them a year ago expired and they’re swift to raise my rate by $40. So in order to get the $40 credit I had last year (and the year before and year before and…) and avoid being taken to the cleaners by AT&T, I gotta go through this little charade of a dance whereby I call them and speak to a representative usually from South Asia (literally) and ask what they can do about this rate increase. They pretty much stay on script and really can’t do shit. That’s when I ask how do I terminate service. That sets off bells and whistles in the call center and I’m immediately transfered to the ‘retention’ or ‘customer loyalty’ rep, who speaks much more understandable English. This is where I have to play the ‘woe is me’ card and mention that I’m retired, living on a meager Social Security income and can’t afford such a rate increase (don’t wanna be reduced to eating canned cat-food). All of which is partially or half true; 50% truth being pretty dam good after four years of Trump.

I’ve been doing this for years now and there’s even websites tellin’ ya what to do and how much you can expect based on how many years you’ve been with Direct TV. This time they tried to low-ball me with a $25 credit – cheapskates! But I was ready. I had all the competition’s weekly adds in front of me and even the price for streaming live TV like U-tube and Hulu. [I can’t believe these cable guys. They mail me weekly flyers trying to entice me over to there service. And act like a bunch of piranhas nibbling on an ever dwindling customer base.]

Well, I didn’t have to mention the D-Word (disconnect) and they eventually gave me the $40 credit I had the year before. What a bunch of bullshit and a waste of my time, but I did save myself $500 over a year which is far more than I could’ve earned sitting around doing nothing and watching the same ol’ shit on cable TV.

I actually do Like Direct TV. It’s easy to navigate and you can record a lot of shows. But ‘On Demand’ TV like Netflix and the like has a lot to offer, and, is a whole lot cheaper with no installation charges or DVR’s to rent monthly. Got close, but I didn’t ‘cut the cord’ this time around.

Usually, in the evening when my medication has fully kicked it, I like to kick back and let my mind wander with the hope that something blog-worthy might magically appear. Most of the time I have quite a fertile imagination (aka dirty mind), with no end to all the strange shit that floats through my mind. That was a big problem when I was into Buddhist meditation: Vipassana or Insight Meditation. The practice consisted of sitting quietly and focusing one’s attention on the in-breath and out-breath, noting the rising and falling of each breath in the body. Pretty easy. Problem was, after 15 to 20 seconds of that a thought would enter my mind like: I wonder what I’m gonna have for dinner tonight? Let’s see. What sounds good? Do I have it in the house or am I gonna have to go to the store (a real bummer); and while I’m there what else do I need? Might as well pickup some of this and some of that – sure hate to run out. And, hey whoa…I’m not following my breath. I’m planning out my whole evening with all the likes and dislikes attached to each option.

So, for another 30 or so seconds I manage to focus on my breath when sure as shit another thought comes to mind and we’re off to the races again. After a while I can see a pattern developing and become aware when I’m focused elsewhere. The Buddhists call it Monkey Mind The key to dealing with all this monkey business is to observe it, name it (thinking), let it go and gently return to the breath and the present moment.

Mindfulness is becoming a popular term these days, especially after enduring four years of mindlessness, and basically consists of staying in the present moment, not attaching any positive or negative value to anything that arises, and not reliving the past or anticipating the future.

The Buddhists also talk a lot about suffering, which makes me wonder if America is still (if it ever was) a christian nation cause we’ve been suffering a long long time and would like the present moment to quickly turn better. But this is enough of that. If you’ve gotten this far, surely you have suffered enough.

A Shot In The Arm

Well, The Wife and I got our first Covid 19 vaccination shots yesterday. It didn’t hurt, but The Wife has a sore arm. As soon as my Southern California County opened up vaccinations for those 65 and over, I jumped on it. I’m getting tired of fearing for my life every time I have to go grocery shopping; speaking of which, I never go during those special ‘seniors only’ hours – too many dazed and confused old guys wondering around totally oblivious to social distancing standing in the middle of the aisle looking for stuff Their Wife wrote on a shopping list. Anyway, for a county-run event, the vaccination process was very well organized. We just drove up in a mall parking lot, got out and walked into the vaccination tent, and after having our names checked off their list, were immediately give the shot. The only waiting around was for 15 minutes afterwords to make sure you were okay and not dizzy. Wham Bam thank you Sam, relatively painless, except for The Wife’s sore arm.

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It seems like there’s always something new to worry about. I don’t know if it’s because I’m getting older, or that we’re over a year into a worldwide pandemic that’s killing millions of people. But I often find myself worrying about everything. Maybe it’s post traumatic stress syndrome. Maybe too much cable news. The good news is The Wife and I have appointments (a true pain in the ass to get) for our first Covid 19 flu shots. In my California county they just lowered the age limit to 65 instead of 75 and older. I could’ve passed for a 75 year old but I don’t have the fake I.D. I had in High School anymore; tossed that sucker when I turned 21 and could legally buy beer. So the end is near. Not in an apocalyptic way, but as in running a log race and finally being able to see the finish line. Thank you Science.

Upgrading My Technology

I don’t have a cell phone and I don’t do Facebook. I’ve never texted anyone in my life let alone ‘tweeted’ on Twitter. I do use Skype, have a blog, and have downloaded a ton of music MP3’s on Napster-like P2P file sharing platforms which I’ve burned onto a disc and listen to on a DVD player. I don’t do Spotify or listen to music on an Apple I-Phone (those little cigarette butt looking earphones look stupid and imply to me that ya had a really great time last night but couldn’t remember a minute of it). I rarely use cash anymore except for paying my Mexican gardener who strangely prefers cash (guess he’s old fashioned too). I never go to the bank anymore; pay all my bills on-line, and all income is electronically deposited into my account (sweet). In fact, my recent $600 stimulus check came in the form of a debit-card!

So…there’s a lot of technology I use, and a lot I don’t. Well, my son recently set me up with an amazon Fire-stick and hooked me up on Netflix as a Christmas present. And Wow…It’s blowing my mind, and nothing like Cable TV. I’m starting to really like television on demand a whole lot. Ya don’t have to wait till something you like comes on and then record it, commercials and all. Nope, it’s like having a library at you disposal (without all the homeless people sitting around and stinking-up the place. If I wanna watch a little Star Trek, I can pretty much choose any version and watch any episode in any season and get my fill of it. I guess that’s were they got “Bing-watching” from. Perfect for those of us who are a touch obsessive-compulsive in nature.

Another thing. I finally got rid of my landline and have now plugged my phone into my modem (which is fed via landline). It was easy to install. Just plug a phone jack into the back of my modem, call a number, and Bang, like magic I’m calling all my geezer buddies via the internet. [They of course are answering via cell tower powered I-Phones]. My gawd, I’m so far behind the times. An analogue type of guy stuck in a digital world.

Being Held Accountable

Don’t cha just love it when some no-good evildoer is caught red-handed and held accountable for his miss-deeds? A lot of the Capitol Insurrectionists are being arrested and face prosecution ( love it that a lot of ex-wives and family menders are turning in these guys and ratting them out)). Who wold have ever thought that rampaging The Capitol in an attempt to overthrow an election was against the law? A Georgia Congresswoman (the snarky blond) got stripped of her cabinet post for saying crazy shit. T V networks are being sued for slander by voting machine companies regarding damaging false claims against their product. Lou Dobbs just got fired from Fox news, and now a Sandy Hook survivor is after The Pillow Guy for spewing nonsense about school violence. Makes me wonder what kind of skeletons the Flex-Seal guy has in his closet? My gawd, Ya can’t even trust anyone these days, even Safe-Shield auto repair insurance and Safe-Guard rain gutter protectors.

You know, these guys that push these wonder-products on TV seem a little over the edge to me. Maybe their products are good, but the hyper zeal with which they ooze enthusiasm is a bit too “Side Show Bob-ish” for me and tend to set off flashing red signals of SNAKE OIL in my mind. Do I really need a Safe-Guard or some other crap to keep my gutters clean? Well apparently I do, cause I’m reminded sometimes three times an hour that: all my problems are caused because I’m not sleeping well due to a crappy pillow; those rain gutters I’ve been ignoring for years are gonna cost a fortune in home repairs; my house leaks cause I don’t use enough Flexible-Shield; I’m under insured; missing out on a heck of a lot Medicare benefits I’m entitled to; and need a reverse mortgage.

I don’t wanna get conspiratorial, but it seems like everywhere ya look you got a lot of people lying to ya. Politicians lie to us all the time. It’s no secret, they just do. They get caught on tape in a lie, then lie their asses off denying they did it. My favorite term for that is Lying Sack of Shit. Hard to define, but ya know one when ya smell one.

There is a glimmer of hope out there. Folks are being prosecuted and penalized for acting bat-shit crazy and lyin’ their asses off. What’s really sort of funny (actually sadly pathetic) is Donald Trump and the Capitol Insurrectionists (they think themselves as patriots). For his impeachment defence Trump claims he had nothing to do with any overthrow, and his followers defense is: The President told us to do it. Smells like manure to me.

I hate dealing with problems! I hate having to fix something when it breaks down (as all shit eventually does); and I also hate doing things I really don’t wanna do! Maybe I shouldn’t use the word hate (there’s a lot of folks on the fringe-right that are giving hate a bad name), rather, I have a strong adversion to, and great dis-like of things that make me feel uncomfortable. I made a career out of dealing with ‘problems’ for over forty years: problem children at the state mental hospital, problem youth as a juvenile probation officer, and problem adults I supervised on adult formal probation (you wouldn’t believe the number of people I watched pee into little bottles).

“Wow Hansi – you sure got a good rant brewing, but tell me, what do all the accompanying pictures have to do with all the shit you hate, or should I say…strongly dislike and want to avoid like the current plague?”

Well, I don’t know. I just got done dealing with a dental problem – one of the last things on earth I wanted to deal with and right up there with never voting for a Republican ever again in my life. But I dealt with it and as soon as the aversion started to dissipate I started to think about floozies and some of my old figure drawings. So I figured I could be just like Kilgore Trout, the brilliant but obscure science fiction author who went undiscovered because all his work was published in Porno magazines as filler. So I decided to write my ‘rage on a page’, and illustrate it with totally unrelated subject matter. Drawing the female figure takes skill. Making them look trashy is a skill unto itself.

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H U A

I don’t know about you, but I feel a whole lot less angry, pissed-off, and up-tight now that The Donald is no longer president. And another thing, I don’t feel like everything is gonna turn to shit anymore, and that maybe even things will be better. Maybe I’ve got my head in the sand, or worse yet up a bodily orifice: H U A – head up ass. My head’s been in both places over the years, but still I’m more positive than negative and have a lot less gloomy outlook on life. I’ve yet to achieve anal penetration with my head as have a whole lotta folks on the extreme Right (not to be confused with or taken as, Correct).

I’m sick of the ‘culture wars’ and just wanna live and let live. Sadly the honey-moon in Washington looks like it’s already over, and things will get back to normal. Like a silent but deadly fart, the influence of Donald is still fresh in the GOP, with there being no shortage of mad-dogs rushing to take his place [I especially like that cute blond one – she’s crazier than shit]. Oh well. Things are going back to normal. I don’t thing I wanna do a head-sphincter thing. I’ll just look for some sand and bury my head in it 🙂

Thank You Jesus

Thank you Jesus. Thank you Jesus. Thank you Jesus. And in case thrice is not enough. One mo time: Thank You Jesus. Or as the Munchkins sang when Dorothy’s house landed on the Wicked Witch of the East in the Land of Oz: “Ding-Dong the Witch is dead, the Wicked Witch, the Wicked Witch, Ding-Dong the Wicked Witch is dead.” We all know the lord is long-suffering. But it’s been four long years and I think we’ve all suffered long enough. Donald Trump is no longer president. It’s been a rough four years, longer if ya count all the bullshit running up to his election in 2016, but it’s now over. Thank you sweet Jesus, the wicked Dong is gone.

This reminds me of the age old dilemma about suffering. If God is good and filled with love, why does He allow so much evil and suffering in the world? Beats me. The traditional answer has always been: Because God has given men (and a growing number of women) freedom of choice. [I said ‘ a growing number’ because a lot of women don’t have freedom of choice when it comes to their own bodies. It’s funny, but actually sadly pathetic, that the common refrain from the conservative right when it came to mandatory mask wearing during Covid was; “I can’t breath” ( a mockery of George Floyd?) “I want control over my body, not someone in the guvernment tellin’ me what I can and can’t do”. Phucking hypocrites!]

Regarding suffering. Maybe I’m not a deep thinker, but I’ve never found any benefit from dying in a war, premature death due to disease, or starvation, which holds no appeal to me whatsoever. All that shit does is make ya dead, not a better person. Freedom of choice is a myth anyway. I’d prefer to not pay taxes, but cough-up my fair share every April 15th to avoid a world of hurt. So I guess my free choice is to pay or hurt. Some choice.

“Hansi, you’ve had too much medication.” Well I don’t know about that. All I know is Trump is gone and everything is gonna be better and everybody is gonna be happy. “Like I said Hansi, You’ve had way too much medication”.

Drawing a Blank

Sometimes when I’m not having profound thoughts which need to be expressed to the world without delay, my drawing gets ahead of me and I have more illustrations than I do witty narrative to go along with them. That’s when I review my handiwork and see if they inspire anything. Most of the time my stuff is ripe for fantasy, [You should see my stats, there’s tons of perverts out there Googling all manor of raunchy filth who are automatically directed to my website] but for the life of me, I can’t come up with anything for this one. I’m drawing a mental blank. And having learned from Blogging 101: When you have nothing to blog about, blog about having nothing to blog about. At least that way you’re still blogging, and blogging is the most important thing in the world, being connected via social media (does blogging count?). Gotta stay connected.

I don’t mean to be talkin’ about booze so much of late, but a few nights ago my nightly ‘Hi-ball’ started in early afternoon and with a double shot. Can you believe what happened in America January 6th when the two Houses of Congress met to certify the electoral college vote, and lo and behold, we had a failed coup attempt first. This is some serious shit, and usually reserved for Latin America or Eastern European countries. But as I watched this ‘chaos in the capital’, shocked as I was (for someone heavily sedated), I couldn’t help but think: “How pathetic! Is the best you can do Donald?” The whole scene reminded me of when the villagers were chasing down Frankenstein with pitch-forks and torches. He can’t even pull-off a coup, if ya call it a coup. He’s been totally incompetent in dealing with Covid, and inept at even becoming a dictator. Looked more like a bunch of fat white people wearing army surplus clothes taking ‘selfies’ of themselves in the Rotunda, and hanging their bellies over the capital balconies. All they did was hang around and trash the place before they either got bored, hungry and needed another beer, or couldn’t find a place to piss. They were marched off the premises, and the civil war didn’t start. Everybody knows Biden will be the next president and Trump’s star has crashed and is burning, with the rats just beginning to jump that sinking ship.

So….what’s he gonna do next? We got about two weeks before he’s escorted out of the White House. Is he gonna do something really stupid? or is he going to just meekly fade away? When it comes to The Donald, I’ll put my money on stupid every-time.

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