mind expanding nonsense

 

Well… here we are in the middle of July, and instead of evaporating in the hot summer air, that sneaky ol’ Corona Virus has not only managed to survive but thrive (no doubt due to the number of dumb-shits who refuse to wear a mask).  It now looks like we’re in the early innings of a shit-show double header.  Despite all this, life isn’t too bad for some of us (and that may be another part of the problem) who either still have jobs or a steady source of income and can weather this apocalyptic new normal with an attitude of tolerance, less consumption and a sustainable lifestyle that benefits all.

Enough of this crazy talk.  Here’s some more mindless scribbles that I’ve recently cranked-out.  Still the same old stuff, but when ya got your mojo workin’, ya sure want it to work on you.  Stay safe and enjoy the new normal; with your mask on of course.

 

Well, the Covid re-opening lasted about ten days for me.  As of now, I’m reeling it all back in.  Only goin’ out for necessities (and that doesn’t mean a trip to the local marijuana dispensary although they are having some really great deals in this time of extreme need),  I mean basic stuff like groceries at Trader Joes and the local nursery for garden supplies.  And then it’s mask on, go in and get the hell out as fast as I can, followed with a thorough douching of my hands with sanitizer out in the car.  New cases of Covid 19 are on the rise in the US, and if it hasn’t already, it sure looks like the shit is about to hit the fan.  We have no national strategy for dealing with the virus except for ‘every man for himself’.  All I know is: if I do the opposite of what Donald Trump says I’ll be okay.

Oh well…Here’s some more drawings of things that look like other things.  They are ‘things’ in and of themselves, and are what they are.  Problem is they look other things rather than what they are.  Funny how that works.

 

That’s what it feels like these days.  Every day is a shit-show, and I get to watch it on TV whilst sitting in my recliner ( every old geezer has one, and here in Hansi-land we have His and Hers recliners – a sure sign of advanced geezerhood.  Most nights around 8:00, a visitor from another planet would find old Hansi and The Wife kicked back in them recliners watching a Hallmark movie.  I rarely make it to the end of the movie before falling asleep, cause I usually move from recliner to the sofa to a assume a more prone position; that’s when it starts to get interesting.  By then my evening herbal medication is still working its magic, while I nod off into that nether-world of semi-consciousness and my filthy imaginative inner mind takes over. Instead of the usual boy meets girl who is in danger of losing her cupcake bakery plot, things start to get a little more kinky and start to resemble a science fiction movie instead of a romantic comedy.  So that wholesome looking sweet thing somehow turns into an alien queen from an evil planet hell-bent an dominating hapless earth-men with visions of interstellar intercourse and cosmic coitus that even Captain Kirk could not resist).

Oh well…I lost tract of the shit-show, so above is a new page of the drawings I cranked out in June. Below, something from the archives.

Here’s Another One

 

Usually I prefer to fill this blog with witty rants from a slightly over medicated point of view about how America is going to hell in a hand-basket.  But I wanted to forgo a diatribe about cities burning because yet another black man has died at the hands of the police, looters ransacking already struggling business, while the incapable and incompetent leadership at the very top of government wants to get our minds off of the Corona pandemic and only speaks to the needs of his ever shrinking political base.   Instead, I’d like to focus on my drawing, which is increasingly becoming a refuge and “place of safety” during these end times during these chaotic times which is not yet approaching the shit that went down in the 60’s but is getting pretty damn close.  Oh well…gotta take solace in the fact that some things never change, and hop into my own little world where everything is fair, everyone is safe from harm and nothing is scary unless ya take a little bit too much medication – but that goes away fast, and it’s totally worth it.

So…this is a page in one of my smaller sketchbooks (brown paper).  Can’t have too many sketchbooks and different sizes.  Never can tell when ya might wanna draw the same ol’ crap you’ve been doing for years in a bigger size.  My bigger sketch books look pretty much like the smaller ones.  They are just filled with more small sketches because their pages are bigger.

The End Is Near

The end of our forced Covid 19 lock-down may be near, but I ain’t jumping into any re-opening anytime soon.  The end may be near, but I’m stayin’ as far away from it as my ancient ass can socially distance itself. The end is near, but the handwriting is on the wall (two cool biblical apocalyptic phrases in one), a rush back to ‘normal’ is surely gonna end in disaster.

It’s funny how the ways in which you can tell enemies from friends is changing once again.  It used to be, in the good ol’ daze days that if someone was of a different color than you, well they had to be your enemy, mainly because they were different and competing for the same resources.  That used to work for our cave-man ancestors, but not all of them.  The Neanderthals ended up on the wrong side of that equation and look what happened to them.  So skin color is not a reliable indicator.

Ya gotta look a little closer to distinguish friend from foe, like which church they go to, or in the case of my Neanderthal forefathers, which god or idol they place their trust in.  When I was a kid, we Lutherans knew that them Catholics were no good, and always up to something involving the Pope, like digging a tunnel to the Vatican or cleaning rifles in the church basement. That used to be a sure-fire way to tell who’s who.  The problem was, Lutherans and Catholics are virtually the same deal, with the exception that we Lutherans had no Pope, and our priests (pastors) got to screw Nuns, but they had to marry them first and make them wives, which meant they still got none.  You could only have one wife however, and not a whole convent full, lest you become like old testement King Solomon who had a shit-load of wives.  The danger there being you could fall into Judaism, which means you’d have to have your wee-wee circumcised.

Sadly, now a days all them sure-fire tricks to tell friend from foe no longer work as well as they once did.  But!  Thanks to the Corona Virus and the need to wear masks, it’s easy to tell who’s an evil-doer and who’s not.  Used to be that only the bad guys wore masks, like bank robbers and such, but then along came the Lone Ranger, and he was a good guy wearing a mask.  Go figure.

Well leave it to a world-wide pandemic for the culture wars to politicize mask wearing for health and safety reasons.  Wearing a mask is now either a badge of honor or disdain.  No need to break out all that camouflage gear ya got hanging in your closet with the assault weapon next to the kid’s bedroom.  All ya gotta do is go outside maskless and start mingling within six feet of others, and everyone can tell that you’re a red-blooded American patriot enjoying his right to pursue happiness as you see fit.

What have we come to?  The Corona Virus doesn’t care if you’re on the left or on the right or live in a blue state or red state.  It doesn’t give a shit about your “Rights’.  It’s an equal opportunity killer.  Oh well…Live Free AND Die.

Thou Shalt Not Covid

In our new world of Covid 19 there appears to be no end to the  shortages we’re facing.  There’s a shortage of masks and personal protective equipment.  Ventilators are in short supply, along with tests, and increasingly trained medical personnel, who are sadly falling victim to this hideous virus.  There is a shortage of toilet paper, and soon there will be a shortage of meat as packing houses are being closed due to employee infections.  There’s a shortage of patience, and a shortage of leadership.  But when I see local state houses inundated with armed protesters, demanding their ‘Right’ to assemble, jammed together mostly without wearing masks, but carrying huge assault-type weapons.  I know one thing, at least there’s no shortage of fucking idiots.

Coping With Corona

I don’t know about you, but I’m just about done with this stay at home lock-down stuff.  I can hang with maybe two more weeks, but after that I’m done.  When our President decides to turn the America switch back on, I’ll be there at the front door waiting to jumping back in with both feet.  Well….maybe I won’t go that far.  In fact, if the President does turn the America switch back on, I think I’ll just wait a while until it warms up a bit and running smoothly without any bugs or glitches.

In the meantime, what this means to me is: this old dog’s gotta learn some new tricks.  I gotta figure out ways to cope with living in this science-fiction disaster flick situation that’s become our new normal.  So I decided to make a list of things that I should and shouldn’t do to keep grip on what’s left of my sanity as I can.  Not rules!  Don’t want that!  Don’t want anything crammed down my throat except a Covid 19 test swab, or maybe ventilator (if available) should things get really bad.

Don’t Watch Cable News:  I’m a news junkie and watch CNN and other ‘liberal media’ a lot more than I should.  It’s tempting to just sit there and take it all in what with all the ‘essential’ information they’re dispensing. But I don’t need to constantly see the little score-board of new infections, deaths and points dropped on the DOW in the upper right-hand corner of each show.  Reminds me of evening news during the Vietnam War and the daily body counts.  Cable News is not news, it’s commentary and opinion.  A fear machine designed to keep you in an anxious and agitated state of mind.  Fox is the worst.  It’s time to call a cease-fire in the culture war.  Everybody knows things are turning to shit, don’t gotta  be reminded of it every hour on the hour.

Stay Connected:  One can go absolutely stir-crazy if they stuck at home all day.  Add social distancing, and the message is; stay away from other people.  B O R I N G.  I feel it’s import to remain in and encourage staying connected with others.  I call my old geezer buddies daily.  Just checking in, seeing how they’re dealing with it all.  We’re not in this all alone.  There is no “Other”, he’s your brother. Give em a call, or Skype.

Eat Less And Exercise More:  Nothing better when your bummed out (or have the munchies) than to plop in front of the tube and eat ice cream right outta the carton.  Comfort food makes ya feel good. Too bad I’ve wolfed-down everything sweet in the house a week ago, and on top of that, my gym is closed.  We gotta stay healthy and as fit as possible.  If nothing else, go for a walk.

Get Some Sunshine:  Not only does sunlight help you produce vitamin A and D, it’s a fairly good antidepressant.  Coupled with maybe some deep breathing I start to feel relaxed and less stressed.

These are some of the things I’m working on.  How about you?

Stay healthy and be well.

Corona What?

Unless you’ve been in a coma or on a thirty day silent meditation retreat, I think everybody pretty much now knows that the world has changed, and literally almost overnight.  I woke-up last Friday morning to learn that California (my home state) had been shut down by order of our Governor.  Say What?  I’ve lived in California all my life, and it’s been open all the time 24/7.  Things are getting serious!  I now have to practice “social distancing”.  Wash my hands before I eat, after I eat, before I touch anything, and after I touch something.  I’m washing my hands so much , I even wash them after I let a fart.

I don’t know about you, but I’m taking all this shit very seriously.  The Wife and I drastically changed our behavior and curtailed all of our public and social activities.  My gym has closed.  We don’t go to ‘Dollar Tuesday” at the local theater ( one uncovered cough could take-out all the Social Security recipients attending) and we don’t have friends over for dinner.  Nobody comes in our house and we don’t touch anyone!

Pretty drastic measures.  But hey, we’re 73 years old and statically in the high-risk group; but thankfully without pre-existing conditions.  I’m not at all comforted by what comes out of the mouth of our President, who at first denied the outbreak (yet another hoax), then minimized it (oh yea you can still go to work),  makes excuses for the total lack of preparedness  (I’m not responsible) and now wants it over and done with so the economy can rebound and he be re-elected (we’re doomed!).

On the plus side:  The Planet is getting a much needed break from pollutants and green house gases, what with airplanes not flying, folks not traveling and much less oil being consumed.  People may be forced to get down to the basics and come to find what’s really important in their lives.

Stay healthy,  Be safe.  And keep in mind:  This is not the end of the world.

Hallmark Christmas Movies

 

If you have cable or satellite TV, you probably get the Hallmark channel.  And like all the specialty channels that abound these days, Hallmark specializes in G rated light-weight romance movies.  Their Christmas movies have a huge audience, mostly women who prefer non-violent schmaltz with happy endings over the more edgier stuff on Amazon Prime, HBO, Netflicks and all the other subscriber channels ya gotta pay extra for.

They are all basically the same:  A young attractive woman who has a high paying dream-job in the big city that affords her the opportunity to frequent coffee bars, enjoy long leisurely lunches in nice restaurants (always with a glass of wine), and whose boss is always kind, supportive and allows her much time off (did I mention that these are fantasies) to travel to her small home-town because Daddies Christmas tree farm is in danger of being bought-out by a greedy corporation who wants to turn the place into condos.  What’s a girl to do?  Matters get worse when the corporate rep, a good-looking single guy who just loves her cute young son/daughter, shows up in town at the same time.  The tension between the two , who are always smiling (as is everyone else) builds.  But somehow despite all odds, love is in the air, along with a lot of hot chocolate and snowball fights, and Mister Wrong turns out to be Mister Right.  He softens up and they fall in love.  The Christmas tree farm is saved, Daddy is put in an Alzheimer’s home, and they seal the deal with a kiss (always closed mouth and never any  tongue).  Oh yeah, it turns out that he was actually a Prince in disguise.

These are really low budget movies that only take three weeks to shoot.  Most of the cast are straight out of community theater, and if they do have a ‘star’, they are usually well past their prime.  All the hot actresses of the 80’s and 90’s are now playing not so hot grandmas.  You kinda know them when ya see ’em, the challenge is: what sit-com where they on thirty years ago?

The locations are always snow covered small mountain towns with thriving cup-cake bakeries, candle shops and antique stores.  Main street is over decorated with all manner of Holiday paraphernalia.  And every interior shot filled floor to ceiling with holly, ribbon and multiple Christmas trees.

Wow Hansi!  How come you know so much about Hallmark movies?  Well…The Wife loves ’em, and we start recording them as soon as they come out in early September.  Every night until Christmas is a Hallmark movie in our house; we’re now staring to record “Winter” movies and are gearing up for Valentines (another biggie) shows.

I actually don’t mind these movies that much.  After an early evening of medication, listening to 60’s music on earphones and dreaming up blog stuff, it’s nice to settle in on the couch with a case of the munchies and watch something that isn’t too demanding.  The good part is I can fall asleep and not wonder how it ended.  They all end the same…Happily Ever-after.

My apologies to Albert King for butchering the lyrics to his song Born Under A Bad Sign wherein he laments that “If it wasn’t for bad luck, I wouldn’t have no luck at all”.  How true!  The Wife went out of town with a girl friend (not like in a gay girl-friend, just one of her female friends; of course if ya watch enough Project Runway you’ll find that term can easily apply to both men and women).  So, I was left home alone for three days, and because all her friends knew she was going somewhere, We didn’t get a bunch of phone calls that weekend.  Except…for Robo calls (guess they didn’t know).  I did get one actual call, from a telemarketer.  Who I asked, “Are you a Robo call?”  When she replied, “Do I sound like a Robo call?”, I said “Yeah”, whereupon she hung up.

Being home alone when you’re 72 isn’t like “It’s party time!”   And it’s definitely not like the movie about the kid who’s parents forgot about him and left him behind alone to fend off burglars (although if too much herbal medication is consumed paranoia can creep in and make ya wonder if every strange noise ya hear is a home invasion and all I’m stuck with to fight them off is my measly cane).  I do get to play my music as loud as I want, and watch watch whatever ‘evil’ (meaning not a Hallmark Christmas movie) television show that I want.  Big problem is, after two nights all the left-overs are gone and the carton of ice cream was nearly empty.  That means cooking, and with cooking comes dish washing, and I like to keep my dish washing down to one utensil, a coffee cup, and maybe a bowl if I can’t microwave the container of leftovers.

Being home alone is okay once in a while, but I wouldn’t wanna do it all the time.  It could get lonely.  But at least I’d have Robo calls.

 

Cancelling PRIME

I cancelled Amazon Prime the other day.  Had to Google how to do it first cause there wasn’t a big red button on their website to click on and put ya outta your misery.  Nope, ain’t that easy.   There was hoops to jump through first: “Your Prime membership”, then “Accounts and Lists”, which produced a drop-down menu were “End Membership” was hidden among a host of other crap.  But it didn’t end there.  I had to wade through four different pop-up windows questioning my intentions if that’s what I really wanted to do; offering me another eight days for only $1.99 – such a deal.  It was kinda like the dope peddler, who after offering you the first fix for free, keeps tempting you to give in and give it just one more shot.  “You know ya like it, come-on just give it one more try”.  What really fried me was after going through this whole rig-a-ma-roll, I got an email giving just one more chance.  They don’t give up!

All this to cancel my free 30 day trial before it rolled over to a twelve buck monthly charge – don’t want that.  Don’t get me wrong.  Amazon Prime is great… if ya wanna buy stuff.   I didn’t have to get of my ass, get dressed, go to a store and fight crowds this Christmas season, just sit back, select what I wanted, read the reviews, compare prices and then watch free Prime videos until my package arrived in two days.  Then I did have to get off my ass, cause I got an email with a picture of my delivery at my front door. [ For some reason they always left it on the side of my screen-door which made it near impossible to open  outwards; could you image what would happen if I’d ordered food from Whole Foods – One could starve to death inside their house with a pile of rotting food just outside their front door.]

Prime also relieves ya from having to endure any human contact whatsoever.  The Wife and I can hunker down with our doors locked, drapes closed and watch MSNBC all day.  It’s a scary world out their filled with terrorists, criminals, illegal aliens ( and I’m not talking about the ones from Mars passing themselves off as earthlings), armed evangelicals and Trump supporters.  Can’t be too careful these days.

I can see how folks might get hooked on Prime.  Sure makes life easier.  I just don’t wanna become addicted.

Phucking With Phone Scammers

I got a phone call recently telling me that I just won the lottery and there was a 25 million dollar prize just waiting for me. 25 MILLION DOLLARS!!! This was my lucky day, and I was the luckiest person on earth cause I didn’t even buy a ticket, and presto outta the blue I’m a big winner.   How cool.  I told the guy to send me the check ASAP, cause in the two minutes I was on the phone, I’d already spent half of it, and that money was already burning a hole in my pocket.  Well hold on Bonzo, it wasn’t that easy.  See, because of technicalities, fees and a host of other impoverishing bullshit, I needed to send them some money first in-order for the (my) check to be released to me.   Needless to say, my enthusiasm quickly diminished as a little voice in the back of my head started screaming FRAUD!

After declining my fortune and hanging up, I went on Google (the source of all knowledge) and indeed verified that this was a common scam, and yes, you never get something for nothing.  I vowed revenge next time.

Well, sure as shit, there was a next time; I guess they got tired of pretending to be Windows technicians.  So when the guy with the heavy Indian accent told me I was a winner, I expressed my joy and udder utter dis-belief of such sudden good fortune with every four lettered word and expression I’d ever heard in a junior high school locker room or seen written on a bathroom wall.  “Well I’ll be dipped in shit” was my first response, and it took a nose-dive into the gutter from there covering all orifices both coming and going.  Every foul, crude, tasteless and disgusting expression I could think of came out of my potty mouth in a gigantic cosmic dry-heave of profanity and filth.

Funny thing was, despite all this verbal sewage, the guy on the other end seem totally unfazed.  Maybe it was the language barrier ( I was adding a lot of southern style twang ), or maybe it went over his head and he was just patiently waiting for me to give up my credit card number.  Anyway, after my verbal diarrhea dried up, I told him to phuck-off and hung-up the phone.

I know a lot of you may be thinking, “Now Hansi, that’s an angry response, and all them cuss words wasn’t very nice.”  Well maybe.  But this guy was a crook who was trying to rip me and other unsuspecting Seniors off.  I wanted to give him the message that ya Don’t Phuck With Old Folks!

 

 

Save The Best For Last?

Should you always save the best for last?  This is really part two of my last post (not the last post I’ll ever do, but the post prior to this one): ‘This That and the Other Thing’, which brings into question whether one should save the best for last.  A climactic finale of goodness which surpasses all else before.  Desert is a prime example.  How many dinners have you suffered through only with the hopes that a fine desert would redeem the crap ya ate before?

But if something is really good, why wade through a bunch of pallet ruining entries.  I’d rather scarf it down first!  That’s certainly true of wine.  Ya always wanna drink the good shit first and save the swill for last when you’re half wasted and can’t tell the difference and it’s of little consequence.

And speaking of consequences, looks like our beloved President of the United States (our best one ever) is gonna get his ass impeached.  This whole Ukraine thing is getting sleazier by the day.  What a swamp.  I hope decent people like you and sometimes me are getting sick and tired of this reality TV world we live in and yearn for a day without Donald.  Maybe Impeachment is a last resort.  And there you have it.  Saving the best for last can be a good thing.

There’s always This and That, usually a binary choice with no shades of gray; black and white only.  An additional choice would be nice now and then.  That’s why I prefer the Other Thing.  Kinda broadens the field, spices things up a bit.  This and That are locked in solid.  They ain’t goin’ nowhere.  The Other Thing is more pleasing, even desirous, if you further define Other Thing.  Which is needed from time to time, to keep it from becoming That Other Thing.  Don’t want that (or this frankly).

The Other Thing takes a lot of pressure off of This and That to maintain it’s superiority complex world-view, which is adversarial in nature: “I don’t wanna be like That” or “I don’t wanna be like This”.  The Other Thing merely muses, “Hmmmm”.  I learned long ago that life is more than This or That.  It’s like going to a buffet style restaurant as a kid.  Your parents made ya take some of This and some of That and a little bit of the Other Thing.  I always saved the Other Thing for last cause it was the best part.

Pencil

 

It’s Art Blog time!  In the early daze days of this blog I used to do a lot of pencil drawings.  Mainly because The Wife had reams of good quality paper, and pencils were cheap.  Also, you could erase stuff easier than with ink and colored pencil.

Recently, if you can believe the dates signed on them*, I’ve taken to pencil once again (still the same ol’ phallic-like subject matter) and forsaken color.  It kinda reminds me of TV in the fifties: all black and white.

* Seems like ya can’t believe anything now-a-days.  Things are so polarized that when one side claims it has the truth, and it sounds plausible, the other side fires back claiming “That ain’t the truth.  It’s bullshit, and a hoax to boot.”  There’s no right or wrong, just what’s expedient, will satisfy the share-holders, and serve ones own interests best.

 

 

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