mind expanding nonsense

Rhymes With Schwance

My real name is Hans. Hansi is what I was called as a kid, and is a German term of endearment for little boys and sometimes big boys named Hans; kinda like Jimmy, Johnny or Bobby. Now there are two ways you can pronounce Hans. One is the German way which rhymes with schwance, the over way is Scandinavian which rhymes with pants. I’m of both Scandinavian and German decent, so I can go both ways (name-wise).

One of my favorite things is writing limericks, and like the man from Nantucket, the dirtier the better. One day I was wondering what rhymes with Hans, and found..not very much. But ya can’t keep a dirty mind down so I came up with this little gem which makes use of both pronunciations of my name Hans.

Warning If you are easily offended, still have a sense of what is tasteful or cling to some sort of moral values, you might want to shut you eyes right now and not read this. Or, if you’re just a little bit curious, keep you eyes shut and have someone read these gems to ya.

There once was a fellow named Hans

Who was endowed with a very large schwance.

From Betty-Lu to Alice

All the girls loved his phallus

And couldn’t wait to get Hans in their pants.

Hope that wasn’t too bad. I rank it about a 7 on the Filth-O-Meter. One thing about having your mind in the gutter is that ya tend to get on a roll and wallow in it. So here’s another:

There once was a cowgirl named Mable

Who was young, willing and able.

After doing her chores

You could hear her screaming for more,

Riding a cowboy on the hay in the stable.

Having a very fertile mind (must be all that manure in the gutter), here’s yet another one which creeps up to about an 8 on the Filth-O-Meter:

There once was fellow named Jose

Who played with his wee-wee all day.

While stroking his dong

He’d sing a merry song

And when he climaxed, always shouted Oh-Lay!


Comments on: "Rhymes With Schwance" (8)

  1. Great to have you back! Missed you and hope all is well. Love the limericks and FYI I AM the man from Nantucket.

    • Thanks….A brief re-appearance.  Had these written down somewhere and just had to share ’em with the whole worldwide web.

  2. Great to see your art work and you in a return…..limericks are excellent….well done….chuq

  3. Heidi Salzmann said:

    Hi big Brother! Glad you and your dirty mind are back online. Love your Limericks. Greetings from your little sister!

  4. There’s always room for another limerick. I’m not good at them, but my late and ex used to turn them off on a lathe. Your last reminds me of this one, written after Pee Wee Herman was busted in a porn theater:

    Said her father to little Maxine,
    “You must not watch that show; it’s obscene.
    That degenerate Pee-Wee
    Who plays with his wee-wee
    Is likely to goo up the screen.”

  5. The dirtier the better, when it comes to Limericks IMHO 😀

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