mind expanding nonsense

Archive for February, 2011

Alternative Advice

OK….I’m into something new. Instead of early morning cable TV infomercials, it’s now advice columns. And this is a piece on Alternative Advice Columns. Now, whether that means it’s an alternative to advice columns, or just some alternative advice; I’ll let you figure that one out. Here’s a little gem, worthy of comment by one who spent 30 years as a Probation Officer, tellin’ people what to do, and cramming his advice down their throats.  And it was an actual letter:

Dear Fannie: I have been best friends with “Claire” since junior high school. She is nothing short of a knockout, with a sweet personality to match. We have always been very close, and I treasure our friendship.

The problem is, when we are out together, men are interested in Claire but feel she is unapproachable because she is so beautiful. Instead, they talk to me up to try to get their foot in the door with her. Quite frankly, I am fed up with men only talking to me because they know I am friends with Claire. Then, when she isn’t interested in them, I have to let them down. It’s exhausting!

I am successful, educated, smart and funny, and, I’m not bad looking either, but men are only interested in my hot friend. This has been been going on since high school, and I’m 35, for heaven’s sake. How do I break this cycle? Or, at least, tactfully tell these men that I am no the key to Claire’s heart?

Signed….Invisible

Well, here’s my alternative reply to this sad individual, and it’s not a bunch of happy horse-shit about self-esteem, which was the columnist’s answer.

Dear Invisible,

Girl…Didn’t your mama tell ya that a man ain’t nothing but a dog on two legs? Stop whining, and suck it up. No wonder your not seeing any of that “foot” in your “door” action. There’s nothing faster acting, than a whining woman to reverse a man’s blood flow downstairs. On what bathroom wall did you read that You were the center of the universe???

First of all, stop being such a dumb-shit. If you’re gonna go bar hoppin’ with the girls, make sure you hang around with ugly women. That’s what “Claire” does, and look at all the action she gets. Standing next to a dog will make ya look good in any man’s eye.

If that doesn’t work, and you insist on maintaining a relationship with Claire, talk her into doing a ‘threesome’. Most men will go for that (as long as the other ‘some’ isn’t a guy), Mercy Sex is better than no sex at all. If that don’t work, then it’s time to start hitting below the belt. When some horny guy starts talking to you about Claire’s beauty, say something like, “Yes, Claire does certainly look good; especially now that her Herpes is in remission”. Or, “You know, it’s a miracle how Claire’s shanker sores and vaginal warts cleared up all on their own; without the need for antibiotics…just disappeared.”

Invisible, don’t envy Claire. Hey she’s 35 and still not married. And if she is, well then she’s just a cheatin’ little tramp. A loser any way ya read it. It’s your turn to be the heart-breaker, and not just for Claire

Sincerely….Hansi

The Tea Party

I try and stay neutral on political stuff, but just have to comment on the Tea Party. It’s also a good way for me to tag up my blog with a subject that is bound to get a lot of Google hits and increase my readership. Hey there’s a lot of good shit in my brain, and I ‘m sure a lot of people want to hear about it.

To me, the Tea Party is just a bunch of scared old white men who can’t live with the fact that America has a Negro for President. The Republicans were quick to hire a Negro as their party’s chairman, but recently canned his  Oreo ass. So ya gotta now live with the fact that it’s the black man’s turn to run the country and turn everything to shit.

Now I’m a scared old white man too. But in 2008 it got pretty frickin’ scary cause of what an old white man did to the Country, and even scarier that an even older white man thought he had all the answers. Sarah Palin (better tag that one) was a good choice of running mate, cause she was hot; a bull-dog with lipstick, or was it pigs who wore lipstick? Anyway, she was kinda scary too. The thought of a pre-menopausal woman  being a heart beat away from the presidency, was too much. Any married guy over 50 knows what that would be like.

There are somethings I like about the Tea Party. But come on you guys; in order to be taken seriously, you gotta stop wearing silly hats and carrying your lawn chairs with ya everywhere ya go cause you’re so out of shape. I too want the government out of my wallet, and especially out of my bedroom. I’m fiscally conservative, but socially a liberal: the thought of some bureaucrat laying in bed with me and the wife is abhorant. I can barely stand her snoring all night, let alone having some stranger in the sack with us chiming in and monitoring the proceedings.

The Tea Partyers just gotta start making more sense. Although I revel in nonsense, you can’t make serious statements about health care issues by uttering stuff like” I don’t want the government messing with my Social Security and Medi Care”.   Hello…….Where do ya think those oh so sweet Social Security checks come from?

You guys also gotta stop taking things so seriously. I got a friend, who I love to death, but he’s just too serious about all this shit. I admit my liberal bent is a bunch of shit, but he’s hard-core, and thinks me, little more that a socialist, just waiting to re-distribute his wealth. I always come back with something like, “ How are ya gonna help the poor out of poverty if ya don’t start raising their welfare checks”.   He goes balistic on that one.

Oh yeah. They don’t have a corner on the Patriotic market either. I avoided did my military service just as “W” did, in the National Guard. I don’t belong to the ‘Big Fat Commie Socialist’ Democratic ‘America Haters’ party, just as You don’t belong to the Grand Old ‘Nazi’ Party. The only party I’m interested in now (besides the one going on in my mind), is one that will deal with my issues. If they had a Get Up Three Times A Night And PEE Party, I’d join that.

Lastly. Give up the Birther nonsense. Obama’s birthplace, Hawaii, is a matter of public record. And think about it. If it were really true, that he is not legally eligible to be President because of his birthplace,  logic would imply that you guys are a bunch of inept, incompetent ( and not doubt incontinent) pussies who can’t even enforce the bullshit ya believe in. Have him impeached or shut the phuck up.

I’ll take my leave and let you fume one.

Link Farms

Recently in the news, was a story about how Department Store retailer J C Penney employed people to create Link Farms in order to raise their page ranking on Google. A link farm is any group of web sites that all hyperlink to every other site in the group. Although some link farms can be created by hand, most are created through automated programs and services. Hey business is business, and that gave me an idea…watch-out!

I’m an avid organic gardener. I grow all my own leaf lettuce, tomatoes, carrots, green beans garlic, snow peas, chard, parsley, basil and special medicine. And being an avid blogger, who is growing on some people, the thought of a link farm to increase my readership was intriguing.

I can’t to a ‘farm’ like the Big Guys do, but maybe a “link garden” would be right for me. But that would tie up too much of my time, not to mention the fights I’d get into with The Wife over computer time. I get three hours in the morning, from 5 am till around 8 when she gets up, (that’s sharing in her opinion). She plays spider solitaire about 5 hours a day, when not gossiping with friends via email. She feels that’s fair, because all I’m doing is spewing forth filthy bathroom humor, embarrassing her in front of the whole world with my blog antics. She thinks it’s time we consider buying another computer. That could be costly, but, solve a lot of problems. You know what? And it’s a great idea.  I think I know what I’ll get her for her birthday…..a deck of  cards.

Got side-tracked there. In reality, I can’t even do a link garden. But, I could do a link potted plant [no jokes about pot plants please]. And getting to the point, not to mention tying in link farming;  I have a new blog!!! It’s just a seedling, but being a good gardener, I’ve been watering it, fertilizing it with plenty of steer manure and boner meal (yep here’s plenty of double entendres in there. If one entendre is good, doubling it is even better.) It’s not your garden variety blog, but a raised bed of nonsense verse, limericks, song lyrics (with special treatment) and generally bad poetry. And…it’s illustrated.

So check it out at your own risk. You don’t have to be over 18 years old to enter, but having the Mind of a 12 year old would help. Most of my inspiration has come from bathroom walls, but only those found in 5 Star Hotels. It’s called The Blithering Idiot and that was my attempt a linking.   Enjoy 🙂

Take me serious?

You must be delirious.

Take me delirious?

You’re much too serious.

Beg Don’t Blog

Maybe you have noticed that there is a shit-load of people standing on street corners, holding signs asking for money. To me, this can mean a few things: Times are getting really bad; Your neighborhood is going down the tubes; or Both.   But maybe….perhaps there is a new industry out there that could drag our economy out of the doldrums. My heart usually goes out to these folks, and I often give them a buck, cause I’d hate to be in their condition. [Yeah…You can call me a bleeding-heart liberal.]

However…There’s this woman, in her 40’s, not ugly, that I see every morning on the corner of the Von’s parking lot. Pitiful. But when I saw her inside Vons one day, in line for the Starbucks, talking on a cell phone, with pack of cigarettes in her shirt pocket ( and not that cheap Bugler shit); I started wondering. How can someone on the streets, afford a morning Latte, cell phone and tailor-made smokes.? Is begging so lucrative? Or is she just scamming us? [Now you can call me the new Chairman of the Republican National Committee.]

My feeling is, street corner begging is America’s new growth industry. When I was in my prime and fighting crime, we used to call it Pan Handling. The Californian Penal code calls it Solicitation Of Alms. To me its just plain begging. A profession that’s been around since the beginning of time. So why not get serious about it and organize. Start a Union. Have a Union Hall; Local 647c (an inside joke**). Keep stats, and map out the most lucrative corners in town. A Union Hall would be a good place for these folks to load up fresh pieces of cardboard and Sharpie pens. No more dumpster diving and petty thefts. They could have contests to see who comes up with the most creative and revenue generating signs. This “Homeless…Anything Will Help” bit has been way over done in my opinion.

Now “Homeless. Going Through Chemo” still works on me. I mean this person (a woman) was not only bald, but double screwed because not only was she homeless, but had cancer too [Sorry to my RNC friends; I’m still human]. But these folks gotta get creative with their signs; there’s a lot of competition out their in the Alms Market. One guy I saw had a little square on his sign that said” Place you add here”. That was a good one. If there was an Alms Union, they’d know which messages were registered, and keep the local markets from being saturated by the same ol’ shit. And, no more fights over who’s corner is who’s.

Seems to me, that there’s no real money in Blogging. [I’m not charging for this crap]. If you want some fast cash, you gotta start begging. What are we doing, sitting in front of a computer all day? We gotta get out there, nail down a corner, and start begging. The Union may insist you go through some training first. But, We have the advantage. We are all creative writers by nature,  have superior language skills, And Spell-check; surely we can drive the homeless competition into the ground with our wit, humor, and clever insights scrawled out on our cardboard signs.

If you were to pursue a career in the Alms Industry, What would you write on your sign?

**647c is the California Penal Code section for solicitation of alms; and a sub-section of section 647 which deals with “nuisance crimes” such as disorderly conduct, lewd conduct, public drunkenness and prostitution.

Twin Problems

After my first Dear Hansi letter, I’ve found advice columns to be a rich source of blog-worthy material. Here’s an actual letter to one columnist:

Her Bully Is Her Twin
Dear Fannie: I have an eighteen year old fraternal twin sister. We have the same friends, the same classes and even the same extracurriculars.
The problem is, she bullies me. If I have something she wants, she throws things at me. She pushes me out of my chair so she can sit in it. She constantly teases me, even when our friends are over. She says things like, “People only hang out with you because you’re my twin”, and “You should lose some weight.”
Everything I do, we do. Everything we do, she’s the boss. If I resist, she hits me. We have an older sister, but she favors my twin. My friends don’t want to get involved, or are oblivious to it. My parents do nothing. It’s obviously hard to avoid her, and I’m tired of sinking to her level. What can I do?
Twin Problems

Sad story, and being bullied is no fun. However, this plea holds the opportunity to stoop to new lows here at the H H blog, by ridiculing the handicapped. [Hey. They get all the good parking spaces; they should be able to take a joke]. So…. Let’s have some fun by just adding one word to the above, and see how it effects the whole tone of the letter. CONJOINED sounds good to me. Lets have a go at it.

Her Bully Is Her Conjoined Twin
Dear Fannie: I have an eighteen year old conjoined twin sister. We have the same friends, the same classes and even the same extracurriculars.
The problem is, she bullies me. If I have something she wants, she throws things at me. She pushes me out of my chair so she can sit in it. She constantly teases me, even when our friends are over. She says things like, “People only hang out with you because you’re my conjoined twin”, and “You should lose some weight.”
Everything I do, we do. Everything we do, she’s the boss. If I resist, she hits me. We have an older sister, but she favors my conjoined twin. My friends don’t want to get involved, or are oblivious to it. My parents do nothing. It’s obviously hard to avoid her, and I’m tired of sinking to her level. What can I do?
Conjoined Twin Problems

A new low? Who knows? Right now, movement in any direction is considered progress for me.

My Little Girl Is A Private Eye

Yep my 33 year old daughter is a private Eye…. A genuine Licensed Private Investigator in the State of California. My gawd am I proud of her, because when I was a kid , I grew up watching every Private Eye show there was.   From 77 Sunset Strip and Hawaiian Eye, to Magnum P I, Mannix and more. One of my favorite songs back then was (I wanna be a) Private Eye by the Olympics. The Eyes had it, cause if we weren’t watchin’ P I shows, then it had to be Westerns. And guess what? The Olympics even did a song about Western Movies. Nothing like staying with the latest rend while doin’ the “Hully Gully”. Turn your speakers on and listen while ya read the rest of this post.


Anyway, My little girl used to fight crime like her Daddy. But she found out that there was more money in Fighting FOR Crime, and bailed out of the probation racket. Now she’s working for private attorneys, helping them defend people who have been wrongly accused and in need of some justice. Apparently some of these folks can afford a lot of justice, cause she don’t work cheap.

Here’s a good one. How did she become interested in a probation career? Because Daddy took her to work one day on “Bring Your Daughter To Work Day”. Shouldn’t of ever done it. Part of my job at the time, was interviewing jail inmates who were to be sentenced in the afternoon. So one morning, I took daughter down to the holding cells in the basement of the Courts building, to show her what Daddy does all day. We get down there, through a long sterile hallway where manacled inmates in orange jumpsuits where shuffling around, turn the corner to the interview rooms (2” thick, small glass rooms which one conversed through a small screened opening).

Hello!! Locked inside one of them, and being segregated from the rest of the population was a five and a half foot tall wiry man in belly chains (hands cuffed to a chain around his waist that connects to the manacles on his feet), who commenced to go off on my daughter. This guy was literally foaming at the mouth and calling my sweet, innocent 13 year old a “fucking whore” while spitting at her and calling her every foul word you hoped she’d never hear. This guy was psychotic, and mad as hell (the angry type). Needless to say, that was a short interview and we got the hell outta there. I later asked her, “Well Pumpkin, what did you think of Daddies work?”

Working for the other side” was kinda difficult for her at first, because when you’re in law enforcement you tend to get a warped view of people, thinking that they are all “Dirt-bags” or Crooks; Or just Dirt-bags and Crooks in waiting; waiting till you can catch them doing something wrong. Now they are “Clients”, who pay well.

Ironically, she got her start “sleuthing” from a cop, who got his hand caught in the evidence locker, due to a little cocaine habit he picked up. Here’s the kicker. Guess who did the probation report on the former narcotics officer turned defendant.? Hansi did. I shit you not. Back in 1984 I did a report on this guy, recommended probation, he cleaned up, became a private investigator, met my daughter through a colleague of hers, and hired her for some jobs. The rest is history.

I got to go out with her when she was serving subpoenas for a big double murder trial she was working on. She doesn’t do the “catch em cheating” type of P I work; only works for attorneys. That was fun, $50 bucks an hour, plus mileage, to drive around LA, looking for people who have long since vanished. Who says crime doesn’t pay. My little girl thinks crime pays exceptionally well, especially when you’re facing a trial for it.

Think I’ll listen to Western Movies by The Olympics. And dream up a blog post about all the great TV Westerns of the 50’s, like Maverick, Paladin, and Bonanza.

Sorry, you got to click on the U Tube link to hear this classic.

Another Dear Hansi Letter

Well my advice was so well received that folks are starting to write in and ask me for my professional opinion on a variety of subjects. Cheapskates, I’m not charging them a dime, but as John Arbuckle used to say, “You get what ya pay for”. Here’s the latest loser.

Dear Hansi,

A few nights ago I was at home having a few beers, when the wife started getting on my case about not doing anything around the house except leaving empty beer cans and potato chip packages everywhere. That really pissed me off , and I maybe pushed her around a little too much. She got pissed too, not so much for being pushed around, but because I drank all the beer in the house. She threatened to call the police, so I left the house, and went to my favorite bar to cool down. Now I only had two drinks, I swear, but on the way home I was pulled over by the cops. The cop smelled alcohol on my breath and made me get out of my car and do some sobriety tests. I suffer from an inner ear infection, and my balance isn’t very good, so the cop felt I was DUI and arrested me. Since then, I lost my job, due to being in jail for a few days, and my wife left me. Tell me please Hansi. Do you think I have an alcohol problem?

Sincerely

Despondent in Denver

Dear Despondent,

Hell no!! You don’t have no alcohol problem, you have a Law Enforcement problem!! Alcohol never arrested anybody; the Police do. What were you thinkin’, doing two shooters right before leaving the bar. Everybody knows the cops set up sobriety check-points just down the street waiting for fools like you to roll by at 2:00am. Next time you’re getting blasted at the bar, CALL A CAB! That’s a whole lot cheaper than the $1500 fine you’re gonna be payin’ for that DUI, not to mention all the fees that are gonna be tacked on. Woefully, that’s  gonna cut into your beer and cigarette money, and the Wife will now need to find a second job .

Don’t worry about the Wife, but remember:  You Never.. Drink… The… Last Beer!!! if you want a good relationship. She’ll be back; this is probably not the first time she’s walked out on your ass. Any way, if it wasn’t for booze, you guys wouldn’t be together or able to stand the sight of each other.  [The saying, “All the girls start looking better at closing time” goes both ways].  She’s not gonna hook up with some bottoming-out loser in recovery or AA.  your Little Woman’s  got herself a real man (You),  she just doesn’t know it yet.

What Hansi recommends is that cut it down to a six-pack a night and No More! Good luck in Alcohol School.  And say Hi to all my pals at the Probation Department.

Sincerely,

Hansi

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