mind expanding nonsense

Uriah the Hittite

This one is from almost ten years ago.  I got a few hits on it recently so I figured if two people were interested in the topic, the whole world might be also:

There’s nothing I like better than a good tale of intrigue, seduction and  betrayal.  And when ya mix in a little tail, well it don’t get much better than that.  Unless of course  that tale about tail comes from the Bible, then  it’s just a heavenly tail.  So hears the one about Uriah the Hittite.  Break out them Bibles (if ya still own one), cause I got some good BS  (bible study) for you.

Fist of all, who the hell was Uriah the Hittite?  Well he wasn’t the guy down at the local convenience store who liked wearing turbans.  He was Bathsheba ‘s husband, you know, of David and Bathsheba fame (it’s starting to get juicy already).  The story unfolds in II Samuel chapter eleven, with King David at home in Jerusalem while his army was out of town destroying the children of Ammon (why he left the adults alive is beyond me) and working on the town of Rabbah.

Being at war constantly is tiring, and being a genocidal maniac on top of it all makes matters  worse, so one night when he couldn’t  sleep, King David goes up on his roof  and sees Bathsheba taking a bath (wonder if a pun was intended?  Bath Sheba bath) on a lower rooftop nearby. Man was she hot, not being content to just enjoying a little eventide voyeurism, Dave decides  ‘I’ve got to have some of that stuff’,  and inquires after her.   Well she turns out to be the wife of one of his officers fighting in Rabbah, and with hubby out of town, Dave takes that as an opportunity to “lay with her”.  Well that turned out to be a pretty good lay, cause not only was she “purified from her uncleanness”, but got knocked up on top of it.

[OK, this may be a little off-track here, but now we know where (from whenst) the term “get layed” came from….the Bible.  Those folks back then were sure doing a lot of laying around and getting to know people (knew meant screw) back then.  Right friendly folk.]

So after Bathsheba told David she was “with child”,  the King started thinking he better do something.  No problemo.  All Dave had to do was have Hubby Uriah sent back home, let nature take it course by letting Uriah do what men do best; and everybody would think the kid was Uriah’s.  No DNA testing in them days.  Sounds good, no?

Problem was, not only was Uriah a loyal soldier in David’s army,  he also had  character and uncompromising principles too.  So when he gets back from the front, what does he do?  Go home for a little R & R?  nope…Uriah spends the night outside David’s house sleeping with the servants.  That didn’t work out the way it was planned, and when David asked him why, here’s what Uriah said: “The Ark and Israel, and Judah abide in tents; and my lord Joab [the general] and the servants of my lord, are camped out in the open fields: shall I then go into mine house, to eat  and to drink, and to lie [more laying, not telling fibs] with my wife?  as thou liveth and as thy soul liveth, I will not do this thing”. (verse 11.)

Shazam!  How do ya deal with that???   This guy Uriah couldn’t be bought.  No problemo.  David had a back-up plan.  David sent Uriah back to the front with a message to his general Joab.  Too bad he didn’t take a peek, cause the message said: “Set ye Uriah in the forefront of the hottest battle, and retire ye from him, that he may be smitten and die.” (verse 15).  Now how low can you go?  That’s just plain chicken shit.  David was the one “smitten”, now Uriah be the one ending up smotten, and sure enough, it happened just as planned.

God sure seems to tolerate a lot of stuff: our human frailty when it come to sex, mass murder (of the heathen only), even an occasional white lie, but when it comes to rewarding loyalty with treachery and betrayal, well that didn’t sit well with the Lord (verse 27).

Well there’s got to be a moral to this story somewhere, after all it does come from the Bible.  So along comes Nathan the Prophet in chapter twelve, who told David this little story about a rich man and a poor man who both lived in the same city.   The rich guy had all his assets tied up in flocks and herds, but the poor man only had “one little ewe lamb”, which he had bought and nourished up: and it grew up together with him, and his children: it did eat of his own meat, and drank of his own cup, and lay in his bosom [ ?? hmm, oh well] and was unto him as a daughter.”  (verse 3).

Sounds kinda kinky to me , but that’s why I like the King James Version.  Any way, rich guy gets a visitor, and instead of taking a lamb out of his own flock,  he takes the poor man’s only lamb and cooks it for his guest.  Ewe, that was horrible.   David got pissed and told Nathan: “As the Lord liveth, the man that hath done this thing shall surely die.”   (verse 5).

The metaphor having gone right over his head, the good King shit a brick when Nathan told him: “Thou art the man”.  Nathan went on to chastise David, who had been given so much, for doing  this evil deed.  Not only was “the sword” never to depart from his house,  but the lord was going to take all David’s wives away from him and let his neighbors “lie with thy wives in the sight of the sun.  For thou didst it secretly: but I will do this thing before all Israel, and before the sun.” (verses 10&11).   That would be a sight to behold.

You can read the rest of the story on your own, and draw your own conclusions.  But one thing sure seems clear to me, God  don’t take a liking to the poor being taken advantage of and being stabbed in the back.  If I were certain members of Congress or a  presidential candidate,  I’d sure think twice about raising taxes on the less fortunate in order to maintain tax breaks for the rich.   Could come back and bite ya in the ass…in a big way, and in public.

Comments on: "Uriah the Hittite" (25)

  1. Where were you in my early Bible study days? I may have taken more interests if such verses were explained in such understandable terms. Forsooth.

    • I know what you mean.  King James had too many code words for things laying and getting laid.


  2. Let me guess–you also teach Sunday school doncha? You pervert–aways the sex stories, always the sex stories.

    • Hey this was Bible study, not sex stories.  Anyway, folks seem to keep comin’ back; must be givin’ them what they want.  I’m kinda like the Mitt Romney of the perverted left.


  3. Another lesson from the story is that out of the wicked, evil and corrupt sex and impregnation, the flower of Israel is born to initiate a golden age – King Solomon. So I guess that this story is to support the idea that good may come out of evil but I’ll allow you and your fans to speculate on the efficacy of the proverb.

    • There are  a lot of lessons one could learn from this story.  I just used the lowest common denominator.


  4. It’s raining here today. I think the angels are weeping for you. Keep it up πŸ™‚

  5. maybe there’s some basis for a belief system in that story – god knows what that might be ..

  6. Ewe, that was amusing.

  7. You sure have a way of spinning those Bible tales. This one, I never got the full understanding in Bible study but I did just now. πŸ™‚

  8. Snoring Dog Studio said:

    I knew that you could find porn in the Bible. In a haystack, too, I imagine. You are saving me a lot of time having to read the book myself. Awesome drawing, man!

  9. So how far from you is the nearest seminary for you to apply to teach? At least you could have worked in a song by Uriah Heep!

    • Somehow I doubt any self-respecting seminary would want me; now Uriah Heep, that’s a different matter.


  10. Hansi,
    Somehow this suggest to me that lambs belong in the stable and not at the table and I espouse the sensible idea that if you want less of something you tax it. Seems to me we need more people with money and fewer paupers. Therefore. I say tax the poor. I don’t think God wants any more of the pesky buggers either.

  11. Hello, your blog looks interesting, I think I shall return :). I found you via Inkjot.

  12. Hansi, if you were giving bible lessons when I was a youngster I may not have become an atheist.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

Tag Cloud

%d bloggers like this: