mind expanding nonsense

Archive for the ‘Bizarre but true’ Category

Cancelling PRIME

I cancelled Amazon Prime the other day.  Had to Google how to do it first cause there wasn’t a big red button on their website to click on and put ya outta your misery.  Nope, ain’t that easy.   There was hoops to jump through first: “Your Prime membership”, then “Accounts and Lists”, which produced a drop-down menu were “End Membership” was hidden among a host of other crap.  But it didn’t end there.  I had to wade through four different pop-up windows questioning my intentions if that’s what I really wanted to do; offering me another eight days for only $1.99 – such a deal.  It was kinda like the dope peddler, who after offering you the first fix for free, keeps tempting you to give in and give it just one more shot.  “You know ya like it, come-on just give it one more try”.  What really fried me was after going through this whole rig-a-ma-roll, I got an email giving just one more chance.  They don’t give up!

All this to cancel my free 30 day trial before it rolled over to a twelve buck monthly charge – don’t want that.  Don’t get me wrong.  Amazon Prime is great… if ya wanna buy stuff.   I didn’t have to get of my ass, get dressed, go to a store and fight crowds this Christmas season, just sit back, select what I wanted, read the reviews, compare prices and then watch free Prime videos until my package arrived in two days.  Then I did have to get off my ass, cause I got an email with a picture of my delivery at my front door. [ For some reason they always left it on the side of my screen-door which made it near impossible to open  outwards; could you image what would happen if I’d ordered food from Whole Foods – One could starve to death inside their house with a pile of rotting food just outside their front door.]

Prime also relieves ya from having to endure any human contact whatsoever.  The Wife and I can hunker down with our doors locked, drapes closed and watch MSNBC all day.  It’s a scary world out their filled with terrorists, criminals, illegal aliens ( and I’m not talking about the ones from Mars passing themselves off as earthlings), armed evangelicals and Trump supporters.  Can’t be too careful these days.

I can see how folks might get hooked on Prime.  Sure makes life easier.  I just don’t wanna become addicted.

Phucking With Phone Scammers

I got a phone call recently telling me that I just won the lottery and there was a 25 million dollar prize just waiting for me. 25 MILLION DOLLARS!!! This was my lucky day, and I was the luckiest person on earth cause I didn’t even buy a ticket, and presto outta the blue I’m a big winner.   How cool.  I told the guy to send me the check ASAP, cause in the two minutes I was on the phone, I’d already spent half of it, and that money was already burning a hole in my pocket.  Well hold on Bonzo, it wasn’t that easy.  See, because of technicalities, fees and a host of other impoverishing bullshit, I needed to send them some money first in-order for the (my) check to be released to me.   Needless to say, my enthusiasm quickly diminished as a little voice in the back of my head started screaming FRAUD!

After declining my fortune and hanging up, I went on Google (the source of all knowledge) and indeed verified that this was a common scam, and yes, you never get something for nothing.  I vowed revenge next time.

Well, sure as shit, there was a next time; I guess they got tired of pretending to be Windows technicians.  So when the guy with the heavy Indian accent told me I was a winner, I expressed my joy and udder utter dis-belief of such sudden good fortune with every four lettered word and expression I’d ever heard in a junior high school locker room or seen written on a bathroom wall.  “Well I’ll be dipped in shit” was my first response, and it took a nose-dive into the gutter from there covering all orifices both coming and going.  Every foul, crude, tasteless and disgusting expression I could think of came out of my potty mouth in a gigantic cosmic dry-heave of profanity and filth.

Funny thing was, despite all this verbal sewage, the guy on the other end seem totally unfazed.  Maybe it was the language barrier ( I was adding a lot of southern style twang ), or maybe it went over his head and he was just patiently waiting for me to give up my credit card number.  Anyway, after my verbal diarrhea dried up, I told him to phuck-off and hung-up the phone.

I know a lot of you may be thinking, “Now Hansi, that’s an angry response, and all them cuss words wasn’t very nice.”  Well maybe.  But this guy was a crook who was trying to rip me and other unsuspecting Seniors off.  I wanted to give him the message that ya Don’t Phuck With Old Folks!

 

 

This That and the Other Thing

There’s always This and That, usually a binary choice with no shades of gray; black and white only.  An additional choice would be nice now and then.  That’s why I prefer the Other Thing.  Kinda broadens the field, spices things up a bit.  This and That are locked in solid.  They ain’t goin’ nowhere.  The Other Thing is more pleasing, even desirous, if you further define Other Thing.  Which is needed from time to time, to keep it from becoming That Other Thing.  Don’t want that (or this frankly).

The Other Thing takes a lot of pressure off of This and That to maintain it’s superiority complex world-view, which is adversarial in nature: “I don’t wanna be like That” or “I don’t wanna be like This”.  The Other Thing merely muses, “Hmmmm”.  I learned long ago that life is more than This or That.  It’s like going to a buffet style restaurant as a kid.  Your parents made ya take some of This and some of That and a little bit of the Other Thing.  I always saved the Other Thing for last cause it was the best part.

Growing Weed

 

I live in a state where marijuana is legal  (thank you Jesus), and if ya want to, you can grow your own.  In the olden days that used to be called “cultivation” and had serious penalties attached.  Now it’s call “recreation”.  You don’t even have to go through the charade of getting a medical letter to be legal, you’re just legal, no strings attached except those imposed by local ordinances.  Things have sure changed since the 60’s.  I guess the times they really were a changin’.

Valentines Day (now and then)

 

Today is Valentines Day, but by the time you see this, Cupid will have long flown past with an empty quiver full of arrows.  That’s because I’m writing this out in longhand now, but by the time I press the publish button, it will have become then; actually right now is when I’m transcribing this, with the publish button thingie being not quite now.  So when I finally do publish, this too will become then and the final score will be one now to two thens.  Timeliness, sometimes important when doing Holiday posts, doesn’t concern me that much; hey, when you’re a few days short right off the bat, what’s a few more?

Love

Love comes in many forms, and positions too.  Loving-kindness is one of the Buddhist Divine Abodes, along with compassion, sympathetic joy and equanimity.  In Christian thought love is greater than hope or even faith (according to Paul).  He thought love  is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. The Beatles thought love was all ya need, but can’t buy it.

Cane and Able

Well, ol’ Hansi’s ancient ass recently took a swan-dive into full geezer-hood.  I started to use a cane to help me get around.  I fought it for a long time, but finally came to the conclusion that ‘it’s time’.  I have a really bad collapsed ankle from years of running, and am now afflicted with sciatica – a real pain in the ass.  So I’m a little unsteady on my feet, and a cane helps with stability and eases the sciatica; don’t wanna fall down (the curse of getting old, especially if ya can’t get back up again.)

It’s taking me a little bit of time to get fully used to using a cane.  First thing I discovered is: where do ya put the thing when you’re not walking around?  I can see now that those canes that stand up by themselves (with the four little prongs) are not just for the seriously disabled, but could come in real handy especially when you’re on your feet and using both hands.  This got me to thinking.  I need a cane that has a multitude of functions, kinda like a Swiss Army Knife, but in my case a Swiss Army Cane.

My cane would not only stand up by itself, but also have a grabbing device with trigger at the handle, so you could pick up things without having to get out of the recliner; being magnetized is a must for them small metal objects.  A light would be nice, and also a remote so when you forgot where ya left it, you could just push a button and a beeper in your cane would go off and you could hobble back to the bathroom where ya left it hanging on the towel rack.  GPS would be nice, but I doubt I’d go far enough from home to need one. It should glow in the dark; it’s hard to find things in the middle of the night, and a cup holder is a must.

Right now, I think my invention is weighing in at close to thirty pounds.  Might have to go back to the drawing board and make some revisions.  Did I leave anything out?

 

Tag Cloud