mind expanding nonsense

Archive for the ‘Bizarre but true’ Category

Coping With Corona

I don’t know about you, but I’m just about done with this stay at home lock-down stuff.  I can hang with maybe two more weeks, but after that I’m done.  When our President decides to turn the America switch back on, I’ll be there at the front door waiting to jumping back in with both feet.  Well….maybe I won’t go that far.  In fact, if the President does turn the America switch back on, I think I’ll just wait a while until it warms up a bit and running smoothly without any bugs or glitches.

In the meantime, what this means to me is: this old dog’s gotta learn some new tricks.  I gotta figure out ways to cope with living in this science-fiction disaster flick situation that’s become our new normal.  So I decided to make a list of things that I should and shouldn’t do to keep grip on what’s left of my sanity as I can.  Not rules!  Don’t want that!  Don’t want anything crammed down my throat except a Covid 19 test swab, or maybe ventilator (if available) should things get really bad.

Don’t Watch Cable News:  I’m a news junkie and watch CNN and other ‘liberal media’ a lot more than I should.  It’s tempting to just sit there and take it all in what with all the ‘essential’ information they’re dispensing. But I don’t need to constantly see the little score-board of new infections, deaths and points dropped on the DOW in the upper right-hand corner of each show.  Reminds me of evening news during the Vietnam War and the daily body counts.  Cable News is not news, it’s commentary and opinion.  A fear machine designed to keep you in an anxious and agitated state of mind.  Fox is the worst.  It’s time to call a cease-fire in the culture war.  Everybody knows things are turning to shit, don’t gotta  be reminded of it every hour on the hour.

Stay Connected:  One can go absolutely stir-crazy if they stuck at home all day.  Add social distancing, and the message is; stay away from other people.  B O R I N G.  I feel it’s import to remain in and encourage staying connected with others.  I call my old geezer buddies daily.  Just checking in, seeing how they’re dealing with it all.  We’re not in this all alone.  There is no “Other”, he’s your brother. Give em a call, or Skype.

Eat Less And Exercise More:  Nothing better when your bummed out (or have the munchies) than to plop in front of the tube and eat ice cream right outta the carton.  Comfort food makes ya feel good. Too bad I’ve wolfed-down everything sweet in the house a week ago, and on top of that, my gym is closed.  We gotta stay healthy and as fit as possible.  If nothing else, go for a walk.

Get Some Sunshine:  Not only does sunlight help you produce vitamin A and D, it’s a fairly good antidepressant.  Coupled with maybe some deep breathing I start to feel relaxed and less stressed.

These are some of the things I’m working on.  How about you?

Stay healthy and be well.

Corona What?

Unless you’ve been in a coma or on a thirty day silent meditation retreat, I think everybody pretty much now knows that the world has changed, and literally almost overnight.  I woke-up last Friday morning to learn that California (my home state) had been shut down by order of our Governor.  Say What?  I’ve lived in California all my life, and it’s been open all the time 24/7.  Things are getting serious!  I now have to practice “social distancing”.  Wash my hands before I eat, after I eat, before I touch anything, and after I touch something.  I’m washing my hands so much , I even wash them after I let a fart.

I don’t know about you, but I’m taking all this shit very seriously.  The Wife and I drastically changed our behavior and curtailed all of our public and social activities.  My gym has closed.  We don’t go to ‘Dollar Tuesday” at the local theater ( one uncovered cough could take-out all the Social Security recipients attending) and we don’t have friends over for dinner.  Nobody comes in our house and we don’t touch anyone!

Pretty drastic measures.  But hey, we’re 73 years old and statically in the high-risk group; but thankfully without pre-existing conditions.  I’m not at all comforted by what comes out of the mouth of our President, who at first denied the outbreak (yet another hoax), then minimized it (oh yea you can still go to work),  makes excuses for the total lack of preparedness  (I’m not responsible) and now wants it over and done with so the economy can rebound and he be re-elected (we’re doomed!).

On the plus side:  The Planet is getting a much needed break from pollutants and green house gases, what with airplanes not flying, folks not traveling and much less oil being consumed.  People may be forced to get down to the basics and come to find what’s really important in their lives.

Stay healthy,  Be safe.  And keep in mind:  This is not the end of the world.

Cancelling PRIME

I cancelled Amazon Prime the other day.  Had to Google how to do it first cause there wasn’t a big red button on their website to click on and put ya outta your misery.  Nope, ain’t that easy.   There was hoops to jump through first: “Your Prime membership”, then “Accounts and Lists”, which produced a drop-down menu were “End Membership” was hidden among a host of other crap.  But it didn’t end there.  I had to wade through four different pop-up windows questioning my intentions if that’s what I really wanted to do; offering me another eight days for only $1.99 – such a deal.  It was kinda like the dope peddler, who after offering you the first fix for free, keeps tempting you to give in and give it just one more shot.  “You know ya like it, come-on just give it one more try”.  What really fried me was after going through this whole rig-a-ma-roll, I got an email giving just one more chance.  They don’t give up!

All this to cancel my free 30 day trial before it rolled over to a twelve buck monthly charge – don’t want that.  Don’t get me wrong.  Amazon Prime is great… if ya wanna buy stuff.   I didn’t have to get of my ass, get dressed, go to a store and fight crowds this Christmas season, just sit back, select what I wanted, read the reviews, compare prices and then watch free Prime videos until my package arrived in two days.  Then I did have to get off my ass, cause I got an email with a picture of my delivery at my front door. [ For some reason they always left it on the side of my screen-door which made it near impossible to open  outwards; could you image what would happen if I’d ordered food from Whole Foods – One could starve to death inside their house with a pile of rotting food just outside their front door.]

Prime also relieves ya from having to endure any human contact whatsoever.  The Wife and I can hunker down with our doors locked, drapes closed and watch MSNBC all day.  It’s a scary world out their filled with terrorists, criminals, illegal aliens ( and I’m not talking about the ones from Mars passing themselves off as earthlings), armed evangelicals and Trump supporters.  Can’t be too careful these days.

I can see how folks might get hooked on Prime.  Sure makes life easier.  I just don’t wanna become addicted.

Phucking With Phone Scammers

I got a phone call recently telling me that I just won the lottery and there was a 25 million dollar prize just waiting for me. 25 MILLION DOLLARS!!! This was my lucky day, and I was the luckiest person on earth cause I didn’t even buy a ticket, and presto outta the blue I’m a big winner.   How cool.  I told the guy to send me the check ASAP, cause in the two minutes I was on the phone, I’d already spent half of it, and that money was already burning a hole in my pocket.  Well hold on Bonzo, it wasn’t that easy.  See, because of technicalities, fees and a host of other impoverishing bullshit, I needed to send them some money first in-order for the (my) check to be released to me.   Needless to say, my enthusiasm quickly diminished as a little voice in the back of my head started screaming FRAUD!

After declining my fortune and hanging up, I went on Google (the source of all knowledge) and indeed verified that this was a common scam, and yes, you never get something for nothing.  I vowed revenge next time.

Well, sure as shit, there was a next time; I guess they got tired of pretending to be Windows technicians.  So when the guy with the heavy Indian accent told me I was a winner, I expressed my joy and udder utter dis-belief of such sudden good fortune with every four lettered word and expression I’d ever heard in a junior high school locker room or seen written on a bathroom wall.  “Well I’ll be dipped in shit” was my first response, and it took a nose-dive into the gutter from there covering all orifices both coming and going.  Every foul, crude, tasteless and disgusting expression I could think of came out of my potty mouth in a gigantic cosmic dry-heave of profanity and filth.

Funny thing was, despite all this verbal sewage, the guy on the other end seem totally unfazed.  Maybe it was the language barrier ( I was adding a lot of southern style twang ), or maybe it went over his head and he was just patiently waiting for me to give up my credit card number.  Anyway, after my verbal diarrhea dried up, I told him to phuck-off and hung-up the phone.

I know a lot of you may be thinking, “Now Hansi, that’s an angry response, and all them cuss words wasn’t very nice.”  Well maybe.  But this guy was a crook who was trying to rip me and other unsuspecting Seniors off.  I wanted to give him the message that ya Don’t Phuck With Old Folks!

 

 

This That and the Other Thing

There’s always This and That, usually a binary choice with no shades of gray; black and white only.  An additional choice would be nice now and then.  That’s why I prefer the Other Thing.  Kinda broadens the field, spices things up a bit.  This and That are locked in solid.  They ain’t goin’ nowhere.  The Other Thing is more pleasing, even desirous, if you further define Other Thing.  Which is needed from time to time, to keep it from becoming That Other Thing.  Don’t want that (or this frankly).

The Other Thing takes a lot of pressure off of This and That to maintain it’s superiority complex world-view, which is adversarial in nature: “I don’t wanna be like That” or “I don’t wanna be like This”.  The Other Thing merely muses, “Hmmmm”.  I learned long ago that life is more than This or That.  It’s like going to a buffet style restaurant as a kid.  Your parents made ya take some of This and some of That and a little bit of the Other Thing.  I always saved the Other Thing for last cause it was the best part.

Growing Weed

 

I live in a state where marijuana is legal  (thank you Jesus), and if ya want to, you can grow your own.  In the olden days that used to be called “cultivation” and had serious penalties attached.  Now it’s call “recreation”.  You don’t even have to go through the charade of getting a medical letter to be legal, you’re just legal, no strings attached except those imposed by local ordinances.  Things have sure changed since the 60’s.  I guess the times they really were a changin’.

Valentines Day (now and then)

 

Today is Valentines Day, but by the time you see this, Cupid will have long flown past with an empty quiver full of arrows.  That’s because I’m writing this out in longhand now, but by the time I press the publish button, it will have become then; actually right now is when I’m transcribing this, with the publish button thingie being not quite now.  So when I finally do publish, this too will become then and the final score will be one now to two thens.  Timeliness, sometimes important when doing Holiday posts, doesn’t concern me that much; hey, when you’re a few days short right off the bat, what’s a few more?

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