mind expanding nonsense

Archive for the ‘Bizarre but true’ Category

Uriah the Hittite

This one is from almost ten years ago.  I got a few hits on it recently so I figured if two people were interested in the topic, the whole world might be also:

There’s nothing I like better than a good tale of intrigue, seduction and  betrayal.  And when ya mix in a little tail, well it don’t get much better than that.  Unless of course  that tale about tail comes from the Bible, then  it’s just a heavenly tail.  So hears the one about Uriah the Hittite.  Break out them Bibles (if ya still own one), cause I got some good BS  (bible study) for you.

Fist of all, who the hell was Uriah the Hittite?  Well he wasn’t the guy down at the local convenience store who liked wearing turbans.  He was Bathsheba ‘s husband, you know, of David and Bathsheba fame (it’s starting to get juicy already).  The story unfolds in II Samuel chapter eleven, with King David at home in Jerusalem while his army was out of town destroying the children of Ammon (why he left the adults alive is beyond me) and working on the town of Rabbah.

Being at war constantly is tiring, and being a genocidal maniac on top of it all makes matters  worse, so one night when he couldn’t  sleep, King David goes up on his roof  and sees Bathsheba taking a bath (wonder if a pun was intended?  Bath Sheba bath) on a lower rooftop nearby. Man was she hot, not being content to just enjoying a little eventide voyeurism, Dave decides  ‘I’ve got to have some of that stuff’,  and inquires after her.   Well she turns out to be the wife of one of his officers fighting in Rabbah, and with hubby out of town, Dave takes that as an opportunity to “lay with her”.  Well that turned out to be a pretty good lay, cause not only was she “purified from her uncleanness”, but got knocked up on top of it.

[OK, this may be a little off-track here, but now we know where (from whenst) the term “get layed” came from….the Bible.  Those folks back then were sure doing a lot of laying around and getting to know people (knew meant screw) back then.  Right friendly folk.]

So after Bathsheba told David she was “with child”,  the King started thinking he better do something.  No problemo.  All Dave had to do was have Hubby Uriah sent back home, let nature take it course by letting Uriah do what men do best; and everybody would think the kid was Uriah’s.  No DNA testing in them days.  Sounds good, no?

Problem was, not only was Uriah a loyal soldier in David’s army,  he also had  character and uncompromising principles too.  So when he gets back from the front, what does he do?  Go home for a little R & R?  nope…Uriah spends the night outside David’s house sleeping with the servants.  That didn’t work out the way it was planned, and when David asked him why, here’s what Uriah said: “The Ark and Israel, and Judah abide in tents; and my lord Joab [the general] and the servants of my lord, are camped out in the open fields: shall I then go into mine house, to eat  and to drink, and to lie [more laying, not telling fibs] with my wife?  as thou liveth and as thy soul liveth, I will not do this thing”. (verse 11.)

Shazam!  How do ya deal with that???   This guy Uriah couldn’t be bought.  No problemo.  David had a back-up plan.  David sent Uriah back to the front with a message to his general Joab.  Too bad he didn’t take a peek, cause the message said: “Set ye Uriah in the forefront of the hottest battle, and retire ye from him, that he may be smitten and die.” (verse 15).  Now how low can you go?  That’s just plain chicken shit.  David was the one “smitten”, now Uriah be the one ending up smotten, and sure enough, it happened just as planned.

God sure seems to tolerate a lot of stuff: our human frailty when it come to sex, mass murder (of the heathen only), even an occasional white lie, but when it comes to rewarding loyalty with treachery and betrayal, well that didn’t sit well with the Lord (verse 27).

Well there’s got to be a moral to this story somewhere, after all it does come from the Bible.  So along comes Nathan the Prophet in chapter twelve, who told David this little story about a rich man and a poor man who both lived in the same city.   The rich guy had all his assets tied up in flocks and herds, but the poor man only had “one little ewe lamb”, which he had bought and nourished up: and it grew up together with him, and his children: it did eat of his own meat, and drank of his own cup, and lay in his bosom [ ?? hmm, oh well] and was unto him as a daughter.”  (verse 3).

Sounds kinda kinky to me , but that’s why I like the King James Version.  Any way, rich guy gets a visitor, and instead of taking a lamb out of his own flock,  he takes the poor man’s only lamb and cooks it for his guest.  Ewe, that was horrible.   David got pissed and told Nathan: “As the Lord liveth, the man that hath done this thing shall surely die.”   (verse 5).

The metaphor having gone right over his head, the good King shit a brick when Nathan told him: “Thou art the man”.  Nathan went on to chastise David, who had been given so much, for doing  this evil deed.  Not only was “the sword” never to depart from his house,  but the lord was going to take all David’s wives away from him and let his neighbors “lie with thy wives in the sight of the sun.  For thou didst it secretly: but I will do this thing before all Israel, and before the sun.” (verses 10&11).   That would be a sight to behold.

You can read the rest of the story on your own, and draw your own conclusions.  But one thing sure seems clear to me, God  don’t take a liking to the poor being taken advantage of and being stabbed in the back.  If I were certain members of Congress or a  presidential candidate,  I’d sure think twice about raising taxes on the less fortunate in order to maintain tax breaks for the rich.   Could come back and bite ya in the ass…in a big way, and in public.

Blogging Is Like Letting Farts In A Small Room and Nobody Complains About The Stink

Okay. I’ll be the first to admit that all my drawings of late pretty much look the same. I mean how many variations can ya make on a sausage shape? The thing is I’m not try to break new ground here, let alone create a “masterpiece” or achieve artistic success. Nope… my ambition is to solely (soul-ie) enjoy the process. Therein lies the fun, the focus, the ease of mind by being totally absorbed in the present moment of the right side of the brain. When I say right side of the brain I don’t mean the correct side of the brain versus that evil, election stealing, socialist left side. God forbid! That would be going off the deep-end with a glass of Kool-aide in hand before you leap. Talk about being a True Believer’. I was one once, and the power that a belief system can have over an individual is all encompassing. There are no options, everything is black and white (that’s why I add color), you’re either with us or against us, and all the important choices will be made for you. Don’t question anything; you’re just a worthless hunk of junk in need of salvation. Sweet Jesus spare me from this insanity.

The title of this post came from The Wife, who never reads this blog, only casually looks at my drawings and generally thinks all I’m doing is spreading filth over the internet. So how’s that for a flatulence filled room?

Coping With Corona

I don’t know about you, but I’m just about done with this stay at home lock-down stuff.  I can hang with maybe two more weeks, but after that I’m done.  When our President decides to turn the America switch back on, I’ll be there at the front door waiting to jumping back in with both feet.  Well….maybe I won’t go that far.  In fact, if the President does turn the America switch back on, I think I’ll just wait a while until it warms up a bit and running smoothly without any bugs or glitches.

In the meantime, what this means to me is: this old dog’s gotta learn some new tricks.  I gotta figure out ways to cope with living in this science-fiction disaster flick situation that’s become our new normal.  So I decided to make a list of things that I should and shouldn’t do to keep grip on what’s left of my sanity as I can.  Not rules!  Don’t want that!  Don’t want anything crammed down my throat except a Covid 19 test swab, or maybe ventilator (if available) should things get really bad.

Don’t Watch Cable News:  I’m a news junkie and watch CNN and other ‘liberal media’ a lot more than I should.  It’s tempting to just sit there and take it all in what with all the ‘essential’ information they’re dispensing. But I don’t need to constantly see the little score-board of new infections, deaths and points dropped on the DOW in the upper right-hand corner of each show.  Reminds me of evening news during the Vietnam War and the daily body counts.  Cable News is not news, it’s commentary and opinion.  A fear machine designed to keep you in an anxious and agitated state of mind.  Fox is the worst.  It’s time to call a cease-fire in the culture war.  Everybody knows things are turning to shit, don’t gotta  be reminded of it every hour on the hour.

Stay Connected:  One can go absolutely stir-crazy if they stuck at home all day.  Add social distancing, and the message is; stay away from other people.  B O R I N G.  I feel it’s import to remain in and encourage staying connected with others.  I call my old geezer buddies daily.  Just checking in, seeing how they’re dealing with it all.  We’re not in this all alone.  There is no “Other”, he’s your brother. Give em a call, or Skype.

Eat Less And Exercise More:  Nothing better when your bummed out (or have the munchies) than to plop in front of the tube and eat ice cream right outta the carton.  Comfort food makes ya feel good. Too bad I’ve wolfed-down everything sweet in the house a week ago, and on top of that, my gym is closed.  We gotta stay healthy and as fit as possible.  If nothing else, go for a walk.

Get Some Sunshine:  Not only does sunlight help you produce vitamin A and D, it’s a fairly good antidepressant.  Coupled with maybe some deep breathing I start to feel relaxed and less stressed.

These are some of the things I’m working on.  How about you?

Stay healthy and be well.

Corona What?

Unless you’ve been in a coma or on a thirty day silent meditation retreat, I think everybody pretty much now knows that the world has changed, and literally almost overnight.  I woke-up last Friday morning to learn that California (my home state) had been shut down by order of our Governor.  Say What?  I’ve lived in California all my life, and it’s been open all the time 24/7.  Things are getting serious!  I now have to practice “social distancing”.  Wash my hands before I eat, after I eat, before I touch anything, and after I touch something.  I’m washing my hands so much , I even wash them after I let a fart.

I don’t know about you, but I’m taking all this shit very seriously.  The Wife and I drastically changed our behavior and curtailed all of our public and social activities.  My gym has closed.  We don’t go to ‘Dollar Tuesday” at the local theater ( one uncovered cough could take-out all the Social Security recipients attending) and we don’t have friends over for dinner.  Nobody comes in our house and we don’t touch anyone!

Pretty drastic measures.  But hey, we’re 73 years old and statically in the high-risk group; but thankfully without pre-existing conditions.  I’m not at all comforted by what comes out of the mouth of our President, who at first denied the outbreak (yet another hoax), then minimized it (oh yea you can still go to work),  makes excuses for the total lack of preparedness  (I’m not responsible) and now wants it over and done with so the economy can rebound and he be re-elected (we’re doomed!).

On the plus side:  The Planet is getting a much needed break from pollutants and green house gases, what with airplanes not flying, folks not traveling and much less oil being consumed.  People may be forced to get down to the basics and come to find what’s really important in their lives.

Stay healthy,  Be safe.  And keep in mind:  This is not the end of the world.

Cancelling PRIME

I cancelled Amazon Prime the other day.  Had to Google how to do it first cause there wasn’t a big red button on their website to click on and put ya outta your misery.  Nope, ain’t that easy.   There was hoops to jump through first: “Your Prime membership”, then “Accounts and Lists”, which produced a drop-down menu were “End Membership” was hidden among a host of other crap.  But it didn’t end there.  I had to wade through four different pop-up windows questioning my intentions if that’s what I really wanted to do; offering me another eight days for only $1.99 – such a deal.  It was kinda like the dope peddler, who after offering you the first fix for free, keeps tempting you to give in and give it just one more shot.  “You know ya like it, come-on just give it one more try”.  What really fried me was after going through this whole rig-a-ma-roll, I got an email giving just one more chance.  They don’t give up!

All this to cancel my free 30 day trial before it rolled over to a twelve buck monthly charge – don’t want that.  Don’t get me wrong.  Amazon Prime is great… if ya wanna buy stuff.   I didn’t have to get of my ass, get dressed, go to a store and fight crowds this Christmas season, just sit back, select what I wanted, read the reviews, compare prices and then watch free Prime videos until my package arrived in two days.  Then I did have to get off my ass, cause I got an email with a picture of my delivery at my front door. [ For some reason they always left it on the side of my screen-door which made it near impossible to open  outwards; could you image what would happen if I’d ordered food from Whole Foods – One could starve to death inside their house with a pile of rotting food just outside their front door.]

Prime also relieves ya from having to endure any human contact whatsoever.  The Wife and I can hunker down with our doors locked, drapes closed and watch MSNBC all day.  It’s a scary world out their filled with terrorists, criminals, illegal aliens ( and I’m not talking about the ones from Mars passing themselves off as earthlings), armed evangelicals and Trump supporters.  Can’t be too careful these days.

I can see how folks might get hooked on Prime.  Sure makes life easier.  I just don’t wanna become addicted.

Phucking With Phone Scammers

I got a phone call recently telling me that I just won the lottery and there was a 25 million dollar prize just waiting for me. 25 MILLION DOLLARS!!! This was my lucky day, and I was the luckiest person on earth cause I didn’t even buy a ticket, and presto outta the blue I’m a big winner.   How cool.  I told the guy to send me the check ASAP, cause in the two minutes I was on the phone, I’d already spent half of it, and that money was already burning a hole in my pocket.  Well hold on Bonzo, it wasn’t that easy.  See, because of technicalities, fees and a host of other impoverishing bullshit, I needed to send them some money first in-order for the (my) check to be released to me.   Needless to say, my enthusiasm quickly diminished as a little voice in the back of my head started screaming FRAUD!

After declining my fortune and hanging up, I went on Google (the source of all knowledge) and indeed verified that this was a common scam, and yes, you never get something for nothing.  I vowed revenge next time.

Well, sure as shit, there was a next time; I guess they got tired of pretending to be Windows technicians.  So when the guy with the heavy Indian accent told me I was a winner, I expressed my joy and udder utter dis-belief of such sudden good fortune with every four lettered word and expression I’d ever heard in a junior high school locker room or seen written on a bathroom wall.  “Well I’ll be dipped in shit” was my first response, and it took a nose-dive into the gutter from there covering all orifices both coming and going.  Every foul, crude, tasteless and disgusting expression I could think of came out of my potty mouth in a gigantic cosmic dry-heave of profanity and filth.

Funny thing was, despite all this verbal sewage, the guy on the other end seem totally unfazed.  Maybe it was the language barrier ( I was adding a lot of southern style twang ), or maybe it went over his head and he was just patiently waiting for me to give up my credit card number.  Anyway, after my verbal diarrhea dried up, I told him to phuck-off and hung-up the phone.

I know a lot of you may be thinking, “Now Hansi, that’s an angry response, and all them cuss words wasn’t very nice.”  Well maybe.  But this guy was a crook who was trying to rip me and other unsuspecting Seniors off.  I wanted to give him the message that ya Don’t Phuck With Old Folks!

 

 

This That and the Other Thing

There’s always This and That, usually a binary choice with no shades of gray; black and white only.  An additional choice would be nice now and then.  That’s why I prefer the Other Thing.  Kinda broadens the field, spices things up a bit.  This and That are locked in solid.  They ain’t goin’ nowhere.  The Other Thing is more pleasing, even desirous, if you further define Other Thing.  Which is needed from time to time, to keep it from becoming That Other Thing.  Don’t want that (or this frankly).

The Other Thing takes a lot of pressure off of This and That to maintain it’s superiority complex world-view, which is adversarial in nature: “I don’t wanna be like That” or “I don’t wanna be like This”.  The Other Thing merely muses, “Hmmmm”.  I learned long ago that life is more than This or That.  It’s like going to a buffet style restaurant as a kid.  Your parents made ya take some of This and some of That and a little bit of the Other Thing.  I always saved the Other Thing for last cause it was the best part.

Growing Weed

 

I live in a state where marijuana is legal  (thank you Jesus), and if ya want to, you can grow your own.  In the olden days that used to be called “cultivation” and had serious penalties attached.  Now it’s call “recreation”.  You don’t even have to go through the charade of getting a medical letter to be legal, you’re just legal, no strings attached except those imposed by local ordinances.  Things have sure changed since the 60’s.  I guess the times they really were a changin’.

Valentines Day (now and then)

 

Today is Valentines Day, but by the time you see this, Cupid will have long flown past with an empty quiver full of arrows.  That’s because I’m writing this out in longhand now, but by the time I press the publish button, it will have become then; actually right now is when I’m transcribing this, with the publish button thingie being not quite now.  So when I finally do publish, this too will become then and the final score will be one now to two thens.  Timeliness, sometimes important when doing Holiday posts, doesn’t concern me that much; hey, when you’re a few days short right off the bat, what’s a few more?

Love

Love comes in many forms, and positions too.  Loving-kindness is one of the Buddhist Divine Abodes, along with compassion, sympathetic joy and equanimity.  In Christian thought love is greater than hope or even faith (according to Paul).  He thought love  is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. The Beatles thought love was all ya need, but can’t buy it.

Cane and Able

Well, ol’ Hansi’s ancient ass recently took a swan-dive into full geezer-hood.  I started to use a cane to help me get around.  I fought it for a long time, but finally came to the conclusion that ‘it’s time’.  I have a really bad collapsed ankle from years of running, and am now afflicted with sciatica – a real pain in the ass.  So I’m a little unsteady on my feet, and a cane helps with stability and eases the sciatica; don’t wanna fall down (the curse of getting old, especially if ya can’t get back up again.)

It’s taking me a little bit of time to get fully used to using a cane.  First thing I discovered is: where do ya put the thing when you’re not walking around?  I can see now that those canes that stand up by themselves (with the four little prongs) are not just for the seriously disabled, but could come in real handy especially when you’re on your feet and using both hands.  This got me to thinking.  I need a cane that has a multitude of functions, kinda like a Swiss Army Knife, but in my case a Swiss Army Cane.

My cane would not only stand up by itself, but also have a grabbing device with trigger at the handle, so you could pick up things without having to get out of the recliner; being magnetized is a must for them small metal objects.  A light would be nice, and also a remote so when you forgot where ya left it, you could just push a button and a beeper in your cane would go off and you could hobble back to the bathroom where ya left it hanging on the towel rack.  GPS would be nice, but I doubt I’d go far enough from home to need one. It should glow in the dark; it’s hard to find things in the middle of the night, and a cup holder is a must.

Right now, I think my invention is weighing in at close to thirty pounds.  Might have to go back to the drawing board and make some revisions.  Did I leave anything out?

 

Carrot Juice

I probably cranked these out just after I made a batch of carrot juice.  Says a lot about a person…like maybe you’re a health-food nut?   Well,  only if ya grow your own carrots, and  a few beets, a touch of parsley, and all the kale you can stand and throw in on top of it all.   Mmm Yummie.   Maybe not, but it sure is healthy and you can taste a certain earthy-ness of all the root crops.   Beets are good for your liver, carrots help your eyes – never saw Bugs Bunny wearin’ glasses – kale, what can I say… a super weapon of a food (if you can get by the taste).

Carrot juice is kinda like the hashish of ‘health-food’, super concentrated vitamins and minerals without a ton of bulk.  Not that fiber is bad, oh contrere!  Fiber is like the ‘Drano’ of your digestive tract, pushing out all the stuff that ya don’t want lingering around down there.  Who wants to eat ten carrots, and chase it with a raw beet?  Not me!  But I can easily consume that much via juice in a nice tall glass with umbrella on top.   Cheers!

Alumni Art Show

During the late 60’s The Wife (then Girl Friend ) and I were art majors at a small liberal arts college in Thousand Oaks California. Two years ago someone decided to have an Alumni art show so all us Art majors who went on to work in totally different fields because we didn’t like the starving part of life as an artist, could exhibit our most recent works.  Having not done anything “serious” in decades, I decided to show-off  this sketchbook.

It was a real treat to have actual real live people look at it in person. Before the show, I only got to exhibit my work in the blog-0-sphere, which is virtually like real life, but doesn’t count.  If ya wanna be an exhibitionist, you gotta do it in person.

I sure hope all you folks who stop by here for a hallucination are real people, and not Russian bots (whatever that is) tryin’ to influence me politically.  If I wanna be influenced, I’LL chose what I’m under the influence of.  That’s because Hansi is an all-American boy. I only eat hamburgers, drink Coca-Cola, and have a slice of apple pie every day.  I don’t like Vodka or the Russian version of roulette!

My Last Drawings

I never really finished filling up the pages on this one.  That’s because when I started blogging again, I totally stopped drawing.  It’s hard to do both.  Drawing is a non-verbal right side of the brain activity, while blogging (writing stuff) is a very verbal left side of the brain activity that requires paying attention.  Unlike politics, both sides of my brain are good and come in handy.  I do, however prefer the right side (brain only), for my internal dialogue resides on the left side of my brain.  Sometimes I try to get into a conversation with my internal dialogue, but he usually hogs the conversation.  When he isn’t, we’re often having arguments about shit that’s happened in the past or sharing scenarios of doom in the future.

 

The two sides of ones brain are not separated by some kind of impenetrable wall like the one we’re gonna have between us and Mexico (which they are gonna pay for).  There’s a lot of seepage (like our present chain-link fence) between the two.  That’s why I find it best to live in the present moment.  Unfortunately, my present moment typically consists of daydreaming about stuff I’d like to do in the future or re-living incidents in the past.  Mindfulness allows one to hear their inner dialogue, but not listen to it.  Mindlessness sucks ya into the dialogue, with the false hope that a sound logical argument could change its mind.

Living in the USA

“I’m so glad I’m livin’ in the USA.  Where hamburgers sizzle on an open grill all night and day; the jukebox jumpin’ with records in the USA.  Anything ya want, they got it right here in the USA”.  So sang 50’s black rocker Chuck Berry before he was sent to prison for taking a 14 year-old white girl across state lines for “lewd and immoral purposes”.  What could be better than living in the USA?  Well, seven other countries like: Switzerland, Canada, Germany, the U.K., Japan, Sweden and Australia in that order according to a US News and World Report article; the US is number eight.

Switzerland number One? Hmm, that neutral country that used to make our watches.  Canada? Are they even a foreign country?  They really don’t count cause they’re right next door to us; no wall yet.  Germany and Japan?  Didn’t we kick their asses (Germany twice) in some war a long time go?  The U.K. I can understand, I’m still a big Beatles and Rolling Stones fan.  Sweden?  I’m of Norwegian descent and Swedes are our mortal enemies.  [Norway did win the most medals in the Winter Olympics, by the way; maybe some of them could immigrate to America and be on our ski team].  Hard to believe America is number eight, even behind Australia of all places [fake news if I ever heard it].   Sure  hope we’re above ‘shit-hole’ status.

Here’s a little secret that only you and I will know.  ‘Best’ doesn’t mean Greatest. Best is good, and in some cases pretty good, but ‘Greatest” is better than best.  All those other countries just copied America.  They’re all democracies (our invention), some have socialism (which is okay as long as I don’t have to pay for it), and …they all have Mc Donalds!!

So there you have it.  You always imitate the Greatest, not necessarily the ‘best’.  I may not have a great big house, or a German car – yet.  But I’m getting there.  Through no effort on my own, America is getting greater and greater on a daily basis.  Just ask Chuck Berry.

 

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