I’ve been getting into old television programs. All the shows I watched as a child and teenager: Abbott and Costello (a 5:00 a.m. favorite), The Rifleman, Adventures of Superman, Batman, and especially Wonder Woman. [I don’t watch Lucy!] Okay, some of these shows are a little hoakie by today’s standards, but if look at them for what they were instead of through digitized high definition streaming on-demand horse-shit filled eyes, some of them were pretty good; less ‘edgy’, a lot less violent without the gore, and with identifiable characters.
What bugs me is the Me-TV network, and the demographic it’s geared to, old folks, and the commercials aired. Got IRS problems? Well there’s a firm that will help your irresponsible ass out. Tired of climbing those dangerous stairs every night? There’s a little chair you can have installed so you can ride upstairs, and avoid a potentially life ruining fall. [I almost bought one a few nights ago after I had a little too much ‘medication’. Had the phone in hand and was ready to dial, when I had this sudden flash: I live in a single story house. Bummer, that woulda been fun. I wonder if they have a flat one that could run from the living-room to my bedroom, so I could have my ancient ass hauled to bed after falling asleep watching Hawaii Five-O?]
The one I hate the most are those really long SPCA commercials, with all those sad animals longingly hoping that, for just $12.00 a month, you could save them from your local animal shelter’s Auschwitz. How are ya gonna enjoy Bonanza after watching that? Re-living your youth would be a lot more enjoyable if every ten minutes your weren’t reminded that you need a Life-Alert necklace, hearing aid, walk-in bathtub and reverse mortgage, which The Fonz thinks is great. I don’t wanna hear about all that shit while having a serious episode of nostalgia. [I did buy some ‘glow candles’ which can change colors by remote control, so I could place them around the living room at night and have my own little light-show…trippy].
It’s funny how all this crap is not available in stores, but only if ya call this 800 number and order immediately. Ya don’t even have to drag your ass outta the house, just call toll-free (the number is repeated a hundred times), and tell em how many ya want. They’ll send it to ya by mail (please allow 3 to 6 weeks for delivery) for a small shipping and handling fee (half the cost of my glow candles). But watch out, if ya want two, there’s a separate S&H fee; can’t put two items in the same box. Rip Off!
I actually did call for a little engraving tool that you could use to put your name on tools, label keys (front and back) and even etch wine glasses (His and Hers…how sweet); better than spray painting your name all over town. I got a recording which asked, how many, and what’s your credit card number. I rattled off a string of random numbers, and got a recording saying “not a valid number”. I then asked to speak to a real person, and zowie, a nice lady with southern accent and a bit of a drawl came on and asked me how many I wanted and what my credit card number was. Going into confused geezer mode, I had a long chat with her; it was 8:00p.m. on a Sunday evening (what a job). After a few minutes of asking what this here ‘gizmo’ does, she asked me why I called. “Because the TV told me to”, I answered and bid her a good evening.
That was a lot of fun; gotta do that again.