mind expanding nonsense

Archive for October, 2013

God’s Gift to Mankind

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I wasn’t gonna post this one cause a lot of folks might think it sacrilegious.  But then I thought, ‘Hey..sacrilegious is kinda like religious; it has the same word in it.”  So here it goes.  And oh yea, I do believe in the Bible, especially the creation story in Genesis, but know that it’s more a metaphor, and that a lot of scientific stuff has been left out.  Like how everything that was created in the first week, after resting up on the Seventh Day, began to obey God in earnest and started copulating their socks off, “Being fruitful and multiplying”.  Everything that could get an erection, lay an egg, or simply split in two was screwing their brains out that Monday, except for poor old Adam.  But God, in His ultimate wisdom, made something special, just for Adam, and I’ll tell ya about that a little latter.

As I said, I believe in a six day creation, and especially in intelligent design.  When God created the cannabis plant six thousand years ago, no only did He make a plant with remarkable characteristics, but He also put special receptors in the brains of the humans He created in His own image.   So not only does God like to get high, He knew Mankind would too, and designed things to help mankind cope.  That’s also why He created alcohol.  Designing certain grains and fruits to not just rot, but ferment.  If God wanted mankind to avoid alcohol, He would have made it taste bitter, burn your throat, and give ya  headaches or make ya barf.

You know there had to be a giant cannabis plant somewhere in the Garden of Eden.  Adam probably had a few hits before naming all the animals.  And you know what else was cool?  God was able to create things mature and fully grown, like all the animals who were busy “multiplying” each other.  All He had to do was say, “Let there be Reefer”, and that was it. You and I, if we were so inclined to grow a few plants (for medical consumption only) would have to order seeds from Holland, and pay for em in Euros (rip-off), or go to the local dispensary and buy some clones, and then wait for six months for our little Trees of Life to ripen.  But lucky Adam had weed from day one…well probably day six.

Hansi 001But he didn’t have a woman.  So God created Eve out of Adams rib.  Life was sweet until Eve got really baked one day; got the munchies; and was so spaced out that she thought she saw a snake standing next to the Tree of Good and Evil, and had a bite.  It sure blew her mind, as well as Adam’s too, cause they both thought, “Wow….we’re naked.  Where did we leave our clothes?”

Well, you know the rest of the story and how it was all down hill from there.

Sure glad Noah took a male and female pot plant with him on the Ark.

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Cyclical Slump

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Usually, about every three months or so, my creative juices dry up, and I find myself in a slump.  This has been happening on such a regular basis, that I’m staring to think that it’s cyclical in nature.  And can be seen coming and viewed as nothing new when it finally hits.

Usually when this happens [I really shouldn’t start two paragraphs in a row with the same word, but by the time you finish reading this, you fill have forgotten about that], and predictably so, I stop drawing, or draw crap, and try to camouflage it with some brilliant bullshit.  “If ya can’t dazzle them with brilliance, baffle ’em with bullshit.”

Well I’ll be dipped in shit, if the opposite didn’t happen this time around.  Drawing is going along nicely (the same old stuff), but the quirky, adolescent in nature, good-hearted fun-filled grab-ass bullshit has dried up totally. Usually (that’s #3) there no end to my B S.  In fact people have often told me, “Hansi, you’re full of shit”.

I really don’t wanna write about myself and what I’m going through. And, I don’t want this to be a “Geezer” blog, where I go on rants about how everything is turning to shit, and how current economics, politics, social trends and what the entertainment industry deems ‘entertaining’, is driving me absolutely insane to the point that all I want to do is turn on, tune in, and drop out.

But maybe my sufferings can be a blessing unto others, who take heart, see the light, and who can thankfully say, “I’m sure glad I’m not as fucked-up as he is” 🙂

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Another Key to a Successful Retirement Lifestyle

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When I first started blogging about three years ago, I followed a guy who wrote about successful retirement lifestyles, how you could have one too, and fancied himself to be a lifestyle coach who could make a fortune blogging. And you know what?  I was laying around one afternoon listening to music, and thought, “Hey I can be a retirement lifestyle coach too.”   How hard could it be?  All ya gotta do is lay around the house all day and watch TV.  Plus, I’m a fairly opinionated guy, who has no qualms about giving folks unsolicited advice.

So….The fist key: Don’t Overdo It!

The Wife and I are in the process of redoing out dinning room.  Getting rid off the old curtains and wallpaper, repainting, the whole nine yards (guess we didn’t learn our lesson after doing the kitchen re-model last year).  A pretty big job for an old retired guy.  Thirty years ago when I was younger, in my prime, had more energy and was getting layed on a regular bi-weekly basis; no problemo.  I could whip that sucker out in a weekend, but not no more!  Everything now is just a slight bit more painful, and not only do I have to look forward to hours of aching drudgery, I first gotta move thirty years of accumulated bullshit, and have The Wife find a new temporary home for all that crap, before the torture begins.

10-1-13 009When a friend stopped by and saw the process going on, he suggested that if I where to work more than just three hours a day, this project would be done in no time.  But no!  Being the lifestyle coach that I am, I told him that while on the surface that may appear to be true, in reality it would be the other way around.

If I where to work, say eight hours a day on this project, I’d destroy my body, and need to take a shit-load of drugs to ease the pain.  And everybody knows that when ya take a shit-load of drugs, you’re not very productive all day.  Plus, (drawing on my experience as a probation officer), using a shit-load of drugs on a regular basis, can lead to addiction, and with addiction, the daily need to feed your  habit…to the point where ya got a little “problem” going on, and end up being put in Detox by your kids, followed by a ninety day Residential Program which probably ain’t covered by MediCare, and costs a fortune to boot.  Then there’d be the follow-up out-treatment program with daily meetings to attend.

So, it’s plain to see, that working harder at some goal, does not necessarily mean your goal will be reached quicker.  On the contrary, working too hard at something could mean you’ll never get it done.

Nope.  You never wanna Overdo anything.

Winged Woman On a Stack of Plywood

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Not a lot of commentary on this one.

Eating After Dinner

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One of the best ways I’ve found to keep my weight under tolerable control, is by not eating after dinner.  Whether ya call it dinner, supper, or the evening meal (I could never get that dinner/supper thing straight), that’s it.  What ever you wanna call it, that was the last feeding of the day, and it’s time for no more.  Usually, for me, the evening meal isn’t just a time to take the edge off of hunger, but a time to smash it thoroughly, so I end up feeling not satisfied, but stuffed.  And those ‘hunger pains’ I start to feel just before bedtime, are not really pains so much as symptoms of relief, that my stomach is finally shrinking back to its normal size after being distended to its max.

eat 001I’ve found that eating after dinner, is an easy ass-fattening behavior that I can give up without feeling like I’m depriving myself of anything….except yummy deserts. 😦   On the positive side, I’m sleeping better, and feeling better too.  The problem is, I can’t have dinner late in the evening like when we visit some of our more cosmopolitan friends.  They eat late, like at eight o’clock at night.  Damn, that’s like eating an hour before bed for me.  And I hate laying there in bed, feeling uncomfortable, tossing and turning cause I ate too much too late.  [Sure tasted good though].

And you know what else gets me?  These friends like to act ‘European’, and eat their salads last!  I could never understand that.  You always eat  salads (especially those made with homegrown organic lettuces) First!  That’s what ya get first in restaurants.  Cause it’s like a little teaser for you digestive system.  Loaded with vitamins, minerals , and fiber, salads are way of telling your intestines, “Get ready down there, a lot of greasy-ass grub is comin’ your way.”  Eating salad last is conversely like saying, “I told ya so.”

But seriously, if you are looking for a way to keep your weight under control.  Try not eating after dinner.  I know I don’t need all them extra calories (laying around the house all day dreaming up blog posts is not exactly strenuous exercise), and who knows?  Ya might end up feeling a whole lot better.

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The above is not a self portrait 🙂

Floaters and Floating

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Ya ever stare off, not focusing on anything in particular, and see all these weird little floating things on you eyeballs?  Or close your eyes and watch balls of color explode and blend into different shapes?  Well I do. And it’s not because I dropped a lot of Acid in college; I didn’t.  It just happens, kinda like a free light-show, just like what the guys in these drawings are experiencing.

circles 002Do you ever wish you could just float through life and experience everything without effort and with ease?  Nice fantasy, but I think I’d get tired of that after a few daze days.  I like action, but action tends to lead to stress, and I like mellowing out more than stressing out.  When you’re floating through life, there’s little friction, little resistance.  “Going with the flow.”

Sounds like a catchy phrase.  Must have been an A A slogan like, “One day at a time”.   A little worn out maybe, but still packed with a lot of truth.  I love A A slogans; they’re just so right on.  One of my favorites is “Stinkin’ thinkin'”.  That’s when you have this great brain storm, and decide to pursue some endeavor that will only lead to your ruin.  For alcoholics it means justifying and deluding yourself into having a drink.  For those of us who aren’t alcoholics, it basically means you’re full of shit.

There’s sure a lot of sober folks in the United States Congress who are guilty of some big time stinkin’ thinkin’.  I bet they’ll never try and shut down the government again over a little thing like health care. [Now that’s stinkin’ thinkin’].

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Stress

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I don’t live what you’d call a stressful life, where you’re always on the go dealing with a bunch of bullshit.  Even the four hours I go to The House of Pain and work for the Probation Department a couple times a week, aren’t really ‘stressful’, it’s more like boring drudgery that ya get paid for.  My daily chores aren’t stressful.  Mowing the lawn is pretty much stress-free, but still a pain in the ass.

Maybe it’s my resistance to certain tasks that’s causing me to stress-out.  When you’re always pushing back at something, that causes a friction, which results in stress.  Perhaps if my attitude changed towards lawn mowing, things would be different.  But that would entail firing up a joint, and hitting the lawn (a little grass before cutting the grass) after I’d had a puff or two (or three, or four).  Pretty trippy.

But that could result in a shitty job, with none of the lines across the lawn being straight, or the sidewalks edged well.  Plus, ya always run the risk of deciding half way through, that some lawnmower sculpting is the best idea you’ve ever had, and ya end up making crop circles in your lawn, which when viewed from above, look like a pack of dogs came by and shit on your lawn.

But all stress is not necessarily bad, leading you to do weird shit in front of your house.  There’s good stress, like in exercising, where ya feel exhilarated after pushing yourself.  So all stress is not inherently bad.  Just like cholesterol.  There’s good cholesterol (like in fish and olive oil) and bad cholesterol: the lard they cook all your french fries in, which makes em taste oh so good.  Put a little salt (bad) on em, maybe some pepper too (good), and you be in hog heaven.

It’s funny how everything has a dark side.  You can have a glass of red wine, and a piece of chocolate every night, and that’s good for you.  But too much, and it’ll come around and bite ya in the ass.  Sunshine is good, and makes everything in my garden grow, plus it provides me with vitamins A and D.  But if I stand outside in the sun too long, I could catch skin cancer.  Go figure.

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Now here’s some real stress for ya. The above drawing was my first attempt at this image.  I really got into it, being careful to get it just right.  But after I inked it, I realized I’d mis-spelled Stress, and drew Stess instead.  What a F***ing idiot.  And yes I did yell out the F-word.  How’s that for some stress.  Luckily I was able to fix it by drawing a big R in the background so nobody would know I fucked up.

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