mind expanding nonsense

No Evil Oil

Damn you enlarged prostrate! Yep. I’m up again at 5:00 in the morning and after taking a leak, am once again watching cable TV Infomercials. This time, NO EVIL OIL. I made mention of that in a past post on Snake Oil. However, this time instead of a black, clerical collar wearing, preacher with corn-rows, this one featured a 300lb white boy with goatee and mullet. [Keep in mind that I’m watching this shit in Southern California, where we haven’t seen a mullet in these parts for years.]

Now this good ol’ preacher-boy was pitching No Evil Oil too. Kinda made my old liberal heart hemorrhage upon seeing how much progress we’ve made in Civil Rights, and how the snake oil industry has become fully integrated and enjoying racial harmony. So along with Bishop Jordan, we have the Reverend Billy Bob David ( love these hillbillies with three first names), pushing this stuff. Wonder if they have a central supplier for N E O? Maybe a warehouse were you could pick-up a gallon at wholesale?? Naw…it’s probably cranked out in some trailer park kitchen sink.

The Rev was healin’ people left and right on this infomercial. And being filled with the holy ghost, was even able to determine, without ever meeting her before, that the 80 year old woman in front of him suffered from both arthritis, And,  sore feet; the lord apparently told him.

People were testifyin’, gettin’ healed, filled with the holy ghost, and speakin’ in tongues (except when it came time to tell ya how to place an order.  That 800 number was pronounced quite clearly, and without southern drawl). If you were one of the first 512 people to call in for No Evil Oil, which has been prayed over on an alter for 17 days, a visionary Coat of Many Colors Prayer cloth would be thrown in.   [I don’t know what Billy-Bob has against round numbers, but all I could figure was that 512 was the amount he received on his monthly SSI check.]. The prayer cloth was know to ward off Witch Craft, so I was able to figure out what part of the South he came from. Too bad a failed Senate Candidate from Rhode Island didn’t have one of these.

I rushed to the phone, but I was number 513 and too late. Oh Well! Got me to thinkin’:

If there’s a market for No Evil Oil; there’s gotta be a market for, you guessed it already….Yes Evil Oil. The demographics are there.  My readership, by the very fact that they are reading this stuff, indicates probable demand.  So….I’m gonna market it on my web-site.  And…. theres not gonna be any fake 512 caller limit. Nope, the road to perdition is wide enough for everybody.

Everyone who buys my Yes Evil Oil will also get a prayer Kleenex to wipe off all the excess evil they gonna be enjoyin’.  Yes Evil Oil is not just for topical use only. With an 80 proof alcohol base, my Oil can be taken internally, so in case you need some instant evil, you just take a swig. Sorry, my Yes Evil Oil won’t be prayed over for 17 days, but it will be set on my special altar until your check clears. I’ll be praying for that.

Wouldn’t you like to put just a tad-bit more evil into your life? Yes Evil Oil will also come in a hair conditioner form, and, if ya really want to immerse yourself, a Bubble Bath.


Comments on: "No Evil Oil" (14)

  1. Put me down for a dozen bottles of the 80% proof YEO, if it’s as good as you say then maybe I won’t have to get up for a piss at 5:00 am.

    I don’t think a Kleenex will be big enough for all the evil I will be enjoying – how about a beach towel.

    PS the cheque is in the post.

    Ashton-under-Lyne, UK

  2. Hansi,
    Zinc will shrink that prostate and keep you from hearing any more of this evil marketing, But , of course, then you would be strapped for content to blog about.

  3. geezerpussrex said:

    My pap’s cousins, Alvie and Mae, once toured the West, following after an evangelist who held healing revivals whenever and wherever the gullible gathered. Back in the mid-’60s, Alvie and Mae trailed into Fresno for a revival and persuaded Uncle Dewey Otis Geezerpus to go with them. Uncle Otis and pap, being siblings, shared a common complaint: heartburn. They both found ample relief through regular mastication of Tums, the antacid tablet preferred by the entire Geezerpus clan. Well, with cousins ganged up on him, Otis sat through the Fresno revival, trying to mind his own business. Alas, an emissary of the preacher noticed Otis chomping down on a few Tums and somehow got word to the Revered One. Faster than you can say Calcium Carbonate, Otis was brought to the platform to have his faith tested with a score cripples, stutterers, spastics, and self-described dope fiends. [Naturally, in any gathering of 5,000 middle-aged white people, you’ll find a wealth of folks claiming all manner of diseases so coming up with this motley on-stage assemblage of gimps was no miracle.] The snake oil angle came as commitment to pledge money and give up whatever crutch you might carry, which in Otis’ case was a 35 cent roll of Tums and some loose change. With great fanfare, the Revered One got around to channeling a healing force through each of those poor folks on display. When it was his turn to be put on the spot, Uncle Otis nodded in the affirmative when asked if he believed and accepted his healing. Subsequently, Alvie and Mae were tickled pink. They couldn’t wait to tell Aunt Ruby and rushed back to Otis’s house without spotting at the Perry Boys Smorgie, which was their custom. They grinned up and down as they headed down McKinley Avenue. Nothing could possibly go wrong, or at least not until they pulled into the Geezerpus family compound. To their chagrin, they found Otis in the backseat with a telltale bit of chalky drool. He was alive, mind you, but clearly nonfazed by his healing. No manner of snake oil or prayer cloths, nor silver tongued orator was ever going to get Uncle Otis to surrender his second roll of Tums. By holding out, he condemned himself to a lifetime of heartburn, well at least after he’d been eating red meat. Like every other self-respecting Geezerpus, Otis always carried Tums in reserve. Thus, it was demon Tums that barred Otis from his miracle. Let that be a lesson to you, Hansi. Take yoiur zinc and don’t forget to put the lid back down at the close of your 5:00 A.M. evacuation.

    • Amen Geezerpuss. There’s no tellin’ the power of the lord’s representatives. That story was Post Worthy, and not just comment fluff which nobody reads anyway. Next time you start getting reminiscent about your Bakersfield/Fresno roots, send that sucker in. I’ll publish it on the Blog (not Bog). Of course, I’ll have to massage it first with a little Yes Evil Oil.

  4. i really like the “also get a prayer Kleenex to wipe off all the excess evil they gonna be enjoyin’ ” it’s got all sorts of uses ? and as far as your walnut, maybe the oil can be packaged in a the form of a suppository .. ouch !!

    • Sorry Alan, Yes Evil Oil doesn’t come in suppository form. It does however, come in a high colonic and douche, depending on your preference for evil. You’ll find it in the aphrodisiac section.

  5. Just what I thought Hans, everything Phillip K Dick wrote was true, you just have to live in America to appreciate it. 😆

    Leamington Spa, England

    • It even get wackier the further you go into the interior. Generally, you’re pretty safe if you stay near the coasts when traveling in the States.

  6. […] when it comes to shit like “No Evil Oil”. How can I not help to get a little sarcastic, and verbally ream out the slick, southern, hoodoo […]

  7. Evil oil is pepperoni on pizza. Spells heart attack.

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