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Posts tagged ‘noeviloil’

No Evil Oil

Damn you enlarged prostrate! Yep. I’m up again at 5:00 in the morning and after taking a leak, am once again watching cable TV Infomercials. This time, NO EVIL OIL. I made mention of that in a past post on Snake Oil. However, this time instead of a black, clerical collar wearing, preacher with corn-rows, this one featured a 300lb white boy with goatee and mullet. [Keep in mind that I’m watching this shit in Southern California, where we haven’t seen a mullet in these parts for years.]

Now this good ol’ preacher-boy was pitching No Evil Oil too. Kinda made my old liberal heart hemorrhage upon seeing how much progress we’ve made in Civil Rights, and how the snake oil industry has become fully integrated and enjoying racial harmony. So along with Bishop Jordan, we have the Reverend Billy Bob David ( love these hillbillies with three first names), pushing this stuff. Wonder if they have a central supplier for N E O? Maybe a warehouse were you could pick-up a gallon at wholesale?? Naw…it’s probably cranked out in some trailer park kitchen sink.

The Rev was healin’ people left and right on this infomercial. And being filled with the holy ghost, was even able to determine, without ever meeting her before, that the 80 year old woman in front of him suffered from both arthritis, And,  sore feet; the lord apparently told him.

People were testifyin’, gettin’ healed, filled with the holy ghost, and speakin’ in tongues (except when it came time to tell ya how to place an order.  That 800 number was pronounced quite clearly, and without southern drawl). If you were one of the first 512 people to call in for No Evil Oil, which has been prayed over on an alter for 17 days, a visionary Coat of Many Colors Prayer cloth would be thrown in.   [I don’t know what Billy-Bob has against round numbers, but all I could figure was that 512 was the amount he received on his monthly SSI check.]. The prayer cloth was know to ward off Witch Craft, so I was able to figure out what part of the South he came from. Too bad a failed Senate Candidate from Rhode Island didn’t have one of these.

I rushed to the phone, but I was number 513 and too late. Oh Well! Got me to thinkin’:

If there’s a market for No Evil Oil; there’s gotta be a market for, you guessed it already….Yes Evil Oil. The demographics are there.  My readership, by the very fact that they are reading this stuff, indicates probable demand.  So….I’m gonna market it on my web-site.  And…. theres not gonna be any fake 512 caller limit. Nope, the road to perdition is wide enough for everybody.

Everyone who buys my Yes Evil Oil will also get a prayer Kleenex to wipe off all the excess evil they gonna be enjoyin’.  Yes Evil Oil is not just for topical use only. With an 80 proof alcohol base, my Oil can be taken internally, so in case you need some instant evil, you just take a swig. Sorry, my Yes Evil Oil won’t be prayed over for 17 days, but it will be set on my special altar until your check clears. I’ll be praying for that.

Wouldn’t you like to put just a tad-bit more evil into your life? Yes Evil Oil will also come in a hair conditioner form, and, if ya really want to immerse yourself, a Bubble Bath.

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