mind expanding nonsense

Twin Problems

After my first Dear Hansi letter, I’ve found advice columns to be a rich source of blog-worthy material. Here’s an actual letter to one columnist:

Her Bully Is Her Twin
Dear Fannie: I have an eighteen year old fraternal twin sister. We have the same friends, the same classes and even the same extracurriculars.
The problem is, she bullies me. If I have something she wants, she throws things at me. She pushes me out of my chair so she can sit in it. She constantly teases me, even when our friends are over. She says things like, “People only hang out with you because you’re my twin”, and “You should lose some weight.”
Everything I do, we do. Everything we do, she’s the boss. If I resist, she hits me. We have an older sister, but she favors my twin. My friends don’t want to get involved, or are oblivious to it. My parents do nothing. It’s obviously hard to avoid her, and I’m tired of sinking to her level. What can I do?
Twin Problems

Sad story, and being bullied is no fun. However, this plea holds the opportunity to stoop to new lows here at the H H blog, by ridiculing the handicapped. [Hey. They get all the good parking spaces; they should be able to take a joke]. So…. Let’s have some fun by just adding one word to the above, and see how it effects the whole tone of the letter. CONJOINED sounds good to me. Lets have a go at it.

Her Bully Is Her Conjoined Twin
Dear Fannie: I have an eighteen year old conjoined twin sister. We have the same friends, the same classes and even the same extracurriculars.
The problem is, she bullies me. If I have something she wants, she throws things at me. She pushes me out of my chair so she can sit in it. She constantly teases me, even when our friends are over. She says things like, “People only hang out with you because you’re my conjoined twin”, and “You should lose some weight.”
Everything I do, we do. Everything we do, she’s the boss. If I resist, she hits me. We have an older sister, but she favors my conjoined twin. My friends don’t want to get involved, or are oblivious to it. My parents do nothing. It’s obviously hard to avoid her, and I’m tired of sinking to her level. What can I do?
Conjoined Twin Problems

A new low? Who knows? Right now, movement in any direction is considered progress for me.

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Comments on: "Twin Problems" (14)

  1. Thanks for this Hans, after reading your post I realised I am sane after all.

    Don’t worry about the new low, as you said at least it’s movement…….I can’t wait for all the Politically Correct to gang up on you, and point out the eror of your musings. I hope you get loads, and loads of complaints. Then you can write another post that could be even more offensive, and generate more vitriolic response.

    You could have hit upon a goldmine here Hans. If you perfect this, your next post could go viral.

    John
    Wishing I had this idea in Leamington Spa, England

    • John….I know this is a gold mine, and I’m digging to even lower depths here. There is no dis-advantaged or “something”-impaired group that is off limits 🙂 I’ll take your comment as a seal of approval.

  2. geezerpussrex said:

    There have been too many sisters who have gained fame for no other reason than they were sisters. The now open-legged Hungarian sexgoddess of the ’50s, Zsa-zsa had prim Eva, but they weren’t twins. Nor are Paris and Nicky Hilton, but one would have doubts. The Hilton sisters who fit Hansi’s bill were Violet and Daisy. Their lives were intermeshed at the hip, literally, and they made the most of it. Two cult films, Tod Browning’s Freaks from 1932 and 1951’s Chained For Life feature the romancing of Violet and Daisy. In the latter movie, one sister is tried for the murder of her sister’s philandering boyfriend. She is convicted and [spoiler alert] must face the term set my the state… yeap, a one-way ticket to the original hot seat with sissy as a ride along.

    • Geezerpuss….Only you would know who the conjoined sisters from “Freaks” where. They were well worth a ‘Google’ to refresh my memory. Violet & Daisy Hilton….R.I.P.

  3. i’ve a twin in my head and she gives me no end of trouble .. 😉

  4. Hansi,
    It is beginning to come clear why people ask you for advice. You make them feel right at home.

  5. lmao – Hansi…you are deliciously sick and twisted! =) Keep reading those advice columns…it’s working for you! LOL =)

    • Advice columns are a goldmine of blogable material. It would be like Not stealing candy from babies to not occasionally harvest them.

  6. Hansi, I often see double, or quads if they are twins, conjoined or not.

    Bill
    Ashton-under-Lyne, UK

  7. I have twin problems: my left foot and my right foot

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