mind expanding nonsense

Alternative Advice

OK….I’m into something new. Instead of early morning cable TV infomercials, it’s now advice columns. And this is a piece on Alternative Advice Columns. Now, whether that means it’s an alternative to advice columns, or just some alternative advice; I’ll let you figure that one out. Here’s a little gem, worthy of comment by one who spent 30 years as a Probation Officer, tellin’ people what to do, and cramming his advice down their throats.  And it was an actual letter:

Dear Fannie: I have been best friends with “Claire” since junior high school. She is nothing short of a knockout, with a sweet personality to match. We have always been very close, and I treasure our friendship.

The problem is, when we are out together, men are interested in Claire but feel she is unapproachable because she is so beautiful. Instead, they talk to me up to try to get their foot in the door with her. Quite frankly, I am fed up with men only talking to me because they know I am friends with Claire. Then, when she isn’t interested in them, I have to let them down. It’s exhausting!

I am successful, educated, smart and funny, and, I’m not bad looking either, but men are only interested in my hot friend. This has been been going on since high school, and I’m 35, for heaven’s sake. How do I break this cycle? Or, at least, tactfully tell these men that I am no the key to Claire’s heart?


Well, here’s my alternative reply to this sad individual, and it’s not a bunch of happy horse-shit about self-esteem, which was the columnist’s answer.

Dear Invisible,

Girl…Didn’t your mama tell ya that a man ain’t nothing but a dog on two legs? Stop whining, and suck it up. No wonder your not seeing any of that “foot” in your “door” action. There’s nothing faster acting, than a whining woman to reverse a man’s blood flow downstairs. On what bathroom wall did you read that You were the center of the universe???

First of all, stop being such a dumb-shit. If you’re gonna go bar hoppin’ with the girls, make sure you hang around with ugly women. That’s what “Claire” does, and look at all the action she gets. Standing next to a dog will make ya look good in any man’s eye.

If that doesn’t work, and you insist on maintaining a relationship with Claire, talk her into doing a ‘threesome’. Most men will go for that (as long as the other ‘some’ isn’t a guy), Mercy Sex is better than no sex at all. If that don’t work, then it’s time to start hitting below the belt. When some horny guy starts talking to you about Claire’s beauty, say something like, “Yes, Claire does certainly look good; especially now that her Herpes is in remission”. Or, “You know, it’s a miracle how Claire’s shanker sores and vaginal warts cleared up all on their own; without the need for antibiotics…just disappeared.”

Invisible, don’t envy Claire. Hey she’s 35 and still not married. And if she is, well then she’s just a cheatin’ little tramp. A loser any way ya read it. It’s your turn to be the heart-breaker, and not just for Claire


Comments on: "Alternative Advice" (12)

  1. Hansi,
    Your advice makes such sense that it is hard to understand why there is still a crime problem in LA. Surely with your wise advice and counsel, criminals would have realized the error of their ways and gone straight.
    Which makes me wonder is their perhaps another option for invisible. Maybe if she would come on the Claire, it would turn off her potential suitors and engage some young pup to rescue her from her lesbian ways. What am I missing?

  2. More great advice from the Uncle Hansi series, especially the threesome, after all I was taught that sharing was good.

    In my youth I always found that aproaching the ‘claires’ was the best option because most guys were afraid they would get knocked back, and it always worked. Funnily enough it was always the ‘claires’ that were grateful because they didn’t get the attention they warranted.

    As for ‘invisible’, well we all know what she needs.

    Ashton-under-Lyne, UK

  3. priceless, sage like wisdom, “if the some isn’t a man” .. solid practical advice is so hard to come by, i tried to get a few innuendo words in there .. i’ll be looking for more 😉

  4. I adopted Bill’s tactic in my youth as well, the really beautiful girls were often lonely because everyone was too afraid to approach them.

    I also had a kamikaze tactic where I would ask every girl in the disco for a dance, once I had been rejected by everyone, I could get on with the business of getting drunk.

    Ever thought of getting a full time job as a counsellor Hans?

    Leamington Spa, England

  5. geezerpussrex said:

    I know you’re culling these advice column letters from real sources, but I just hope that sorry-assed “Invisible,” your self-described loser turns to a myriad of other takes on her issue(s. You would have her escorting Supatra Sasuphan around town to get a date. [Who’s Supatra Sasupha you asketh?!? She’s the most gutsy hirsute honey this side of The Weregirl of London.] “Invisible” reminds me of many hold-outs for Mister Right. You know ’em: Cosmo-influenced women who turned down Toar and me, and instead sought an oily Fabio with a twist of George Clooney. Yuck, yuck! Miss Picky ended up alone with a ball-sniffing furball and huge veterinarian bills. Good advice Hansi but way too late for the gal without a date.

    • Geezerpuss you are even more evil than I am. What a cad!! Making fun of someone with the face of a dog. Had to Google her name in order to fully appreciate just how low you can go.

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