Alternative Advice

OK….I’m into something new. Instead of early morning cable TV infomercials, it’s now advice columns. And this is a piece on Alternative Advice Columns. Now, whether that means it’s an alternative to advice columns, or just some alternative advice; I’ll let you weather that one out. Here’s a little gem, worthy of comment by one who spent 30 years as a Probation Officer, tellin’ people what to do, and cramming advice down their throats.  And, it was an actual letter:

Dear Fannie: I have been best friends with “Claire” since junior high school. She is nothing short of a knockout, with a sweet personality to match. We have always been very close, and I treasure our friendship.

The problem is, when we are out together, men are interested in Claire but feel she is unapproachable because she is so beautiful. Instead, they talk to me up to try to get their foot in the door with her. Quite frankly, I am fed up with men only talking to me because they know I am friends with Claire. Then, when she isn’t interested in them, I have to let them down. It’s exhausting!

I am successful, educated, smart and funny, and, I’m not bad looking either, but men are only interested in my hot friend. This has been been going on since high school, and I’m 35, for heaven’s sake. How do I break this cycle? Or, at least, tactfully tell these men that I am no the key to Claire’s heart?

Signed….Invisible

Well, here’s my alternative reply to this sad individual, and it’s not a bunch of happy horse-shit about self-esteem, which was the columnist’s answer.

Dear Invisible,

Girl…Didn’t your mama tell ya that a man ain’t nothing but a dog on two legs? Stop whining, and suck it up. No wonder your not seeing any of that “foot” in your “door” action. There’s nothing faster acting, than a whining woman to reverse a man’s blood flow downstairs. On what bathroom wall did you read that You were the center of the universe???

First of all, stop being such a dumb-shit. If you’re gonna go bar hoppin’ with the girls, make sure you hang around with ugly women. That’s what “Claire” does, and look at all the action she gets. Standing next to a dog will make ya look good in any man’s eye.

If that doesn’t work, and you insist on maintaining a relationship with Claire, talk her into doing a ‘threesome’. Most men will go for that (as long as the other ‘some’ isn’t a guy), Mercy Sex is better than no sex at all. If that don’t work, then it’s time to start hitting below the belt. When some horny guy starts talking to you about Claire’s beauty, say something like, “Yes, Claire does certainly look good; especially now that her Herpes is in remission”. Or, “You know, it’s a miracle how Claire’s canker sores and vaginal warts cleared up all on their own; without the need for antibiotics…just disappeared.”

Invisible, don’t envy Claire. Hey she’s 35 and still not married. And if she is, well then she’s just a cheatin’ little tramp. A loser any way ya look at it. It’s your turn to be the heart-breaker, and not just for Claire.

Sincerely….Hansi

Good Advice

I love advice columns cause the columnist’s  advice usually sucks, with the lives of the advice seekers sucking even more and leaving them ripe for ridicule. Thought I’d have a little fun with this actual letter, and give it a thorough Hansi treatment with all thirty years of my background in Corrections thrown in. Hey. It worked for felons, it can work for this chick.

Dear Hansi: I am in my late 50’s, divorced, with a career that spans 30 years. I have been successful in my life with one exception – relationships.

I have been with “Ted” for more than seven years. The first half was good, but the second half has been a constant struggle. The problems began when Ted retired at age 55. His addictions flourished – excessive drinking, credit card spending and Internet usage. The problem is, Ted has too much time on his hands and nothing constructive to keep him busy. He is border-line bipolar, and when he drinks, he becomes difficult to be around. Ted also suffers from erectile dysfunction, which causes sexual and emotional imbalances in our relationship.

I have asked Ted to get help with his addictions, but he refuses. I have sought counseling on my own to help cope with this situation, and I returned to church looking for answers. I love Ted, but his behavior over the past four years has been a huge turn off. Is this relationship beyond repair? Signed Bewildered in Vermont.

Let’s see now, Ms Vermont Bewilderment. A thirty year career (with a divorce in there), successful but bad at relationships. Bet you even like “working with people”. What Probation Department do you work in??? You sound like just about every female co-worker I’ve ever know. Earth to Vermont: you have the problem… Not Ted!

Sounds like you’re just pissed that he got to retire earlier than you. You’re jealous. My god woman. Ted had the good sense to quit and get the hell out. Do you like shit eating so much ya just gotta stay. Or maybe you gotta keep working because you didn’t make the correct financial plans that Ted did!  The Man just got done working his ass off for who knows how many years, and now he just wants to mellow out with a drink here and there; buy the stuff he’s always wanted, but put on hold; and mess around on the computer. Not being busy or constructive is called Retirement, not “borderline bipolar”. How can one almost be manic or depressive?? Get real.

And about his ‘erectile dysfunction’. Let me tell ya a little secret. He’s not using that Internet for blogging or something; he’s going to porn sites.  And them hands of his haven’t been all that idle. He doesn’t have reptile dysfunction; he has reptile fatigue. And you coming home fried and immediately jumping in his shit is not a big turn-on either. No wonder the man wants a drink. He’s the one trying to Cope!

And you ask why he refuses to change. He doesn’t have “addictions”, he has ‘pastimes’ which he can now, in retirement, finally devote his full attention to. I do think however that you are headed in the right direction with church. If your not having “your needs net”, you need another man on the side. And what better place to find one then at church? That’s the answer.  I don’t think your relationship is beyond repair; it just needs a little “tune-up.”

Well there you have it.  Non-biased, non-personal, objective advice.  No wonder I had a thirty year career in Corrections.  I’m good at correcting people…. It comes naturally.  Well…maybe there’s just a tiny little bit of my biases thrown in 🙂

Jump In His Shit

Well, I’ve been gleaning the fields of advice columns again, and found this cow-pie; entitled, “Hands out of the bucket”

Dear Fannie: We live in a community made up of mostly retired couples who rotate having dinner parties. One of the men in our group seems unable to keep his hands out of the ice bucket. His usual routine is to remove the ice tongs, stir the ice around with his hand, and then lift some into his and his wife’s glass.

We’ve told him that this is unsanitary, but it seems to go over his head. When filling my glass after him, I will often go to the refrigerator to get ice, and he always says, “There’s still ice in the bucket.”

His latest procedure is to announce to the whole room that he washed his hands before coming over. Then he dives into the ice bucket. Are we expecting too much? Two ice buckets; one for him, one for everyone else?

Concerned in Connecticut

My God! How insensitive. What a Coot. Has this man no common decency? Give me a break…..before you go running off to join an insensitivity support group. I’ll tell ya how to handle a piece of work like this old geezer. And it’s not with a lot of enabling bullshit, which the columnist though appropriate: “Fill every one’s glass with ice Before dinner; or put a spoon in the bucket, maybe he has arthritis or something”.

What a load of crap.. What you gotta do is Jump In His Shit! Ream him a new one! I first heard the term “jump in your shit” during Army Basic Training. That was one of the Drill Sargent’s favorite ways of modifying a recruits behavior, because if the recruit didn’t quickly comply, he’d be in “a world of hurt”. Now, I got to admit that there have been times when I wouldn’t have minded if some individual took a head first dive into a pile of my dung; but being in a world of hurt is something no one wants to be in. The one we got is bad enough already.

So Mr Concerned, if you don’t want this guy’s hand in the bucket, you gotta JUMP IN HIS SHIT. I’d slap his hand with the damn tongs and say something like, “What the Hell are you doing?? Get your raggedy-ass hand out the bucket or it might be the one you kick. I know you Washed your hands, but have you washed the stinky ass stuff yo hands been touching? I don’t want no dingle-berries or pubic hairs in MY drink” Get the idea? You really unload on this codger, and give him a piece of your mind. Something that won’t go over his head. You gotta Jump In His Shit.

Now , if “Ice Bucket” is a metaphor for something a little more….personal (like what’s in your pants or senior citizen hanky panky), well then….my reply would be totally different. In fact. What would be totally different is to re-read the original letter, but instead of “Ice Bucket”, you supply your own favorite word for your you know what. Go ahead… It’s not having a dirty mind, it being ‘creative’. No dirty minds = No Limericks

There’s nothing better that I seem to adore

Than a tale bout some dirty old whore.

How she’s nasty and raw

And breaking the law,

And keeps the boys them screamin’ for more.

Alternative Advice

OK….I’m into something new. Instead of early morning cable TV infomercials, it’s now advice columns. And this is a piece on Alternative Advice Columns. Now, whether that means it’s an alternative to advice columns, or just some alternative advice; I’ll let you figure that one out. Here’s a little gem, worthy of comment by one who spent 30 years as a Probation Officer, tellin’ people what to do, and cramming his advice down their throats.  And it was an actual letter:

Dear Fannie: I have been best friends with “Claire” since junior high school. She is nothing short of a knockout, with a sweet personality to match. We have always been very close, and I treasure our friendship.

The problem is, when we are out together, men are interested in Claire but feel she is unapproachable because she is so beautiful. Instead, they talk to me up to try to get their foot in the door with her. Quite frankly, I am fed up with men only talking to me because they know I am friends with Claire. Then, when she isn’t interested in them, I have to let them down. It’s exhausting!

I am successful, educated, smart and funny, and, I’m not bad looking either, but men are only interested in my hot friend. This has been been going on since high school, and I’m 35, for heaven’s sake. How do I break this cycle? Or, at least, tactfully tell these men that I am no the key to Claire’s heart?

Signed….Invisible

Well, here’s my alternative reply to this sad individual, and it’s not a bunch of happy horse-shit about self-esteem, which was the columnist’s answer.

Dear Invisible,

Girl…Didn’t your mama tell ya that a man ain’t nothing but a dog on two legs? Stop whining, and suck it up. No wonder your not seeing any of that “foot” in your “door” action. There’s nothing faster acting, than a whining woman to reverse a man’s blood flow downstairs. On what bathroom wall did you read that You were the center of the universe???

First of all, stop being such a dumb-shit. If you’re gonna go bar hoppin’ with the girls, make sure you hang around with ugly women. That’s what “Claire” does, and look at all the action she gets. Standing next to a dog will make ya look good in any man’s eye.

If that doesn’t work, and you insist on maintaining a relationship with Claire, talk her into doing a ‘threesome’. Most men will go for that (as long as the other ‘some’ isn’t a guy), Mercy Sex is better than no sex at all. If that don’t work, then it’s time to start hitting below the belt. When some horny guy starts talking to you about Claire’s beauty, say something like, “Yes, Claire does certainly look good; especially now that her Herpes is in remission”. Or, “You know, it’s a miracle how Claire’s shanker sores and vaginal warts cleared up all on their own; without the need for antibiotics…just disappeared.”

Invisible, don’t envy Claire. Hey she’s 35 and still not married. And if she is, well then she’s just a cheatin’ little tramp. A loser any way ya read it. It’s your turn to be the heart-breaker, and not just for Claire

Sincerely….Hansi

Twin Problems

After my first Dear Hansi letter, I’ve found advice columns to be a rich source of blog-worthy material. Here’s an actual letter to one columnist:

Her Bully Is Her Twin
Dear Fannie: I have an eighteen year old fraternal twin sister. We have the same friends, the same classes and even the same extracurriculars.
The problem is, she bullies me. If I have something she wants, she throws things at me. She pushes me out of my chair so she can sit in it. She constantly teases me, even when our friends are over. She says things like, “People only hang out with you because you’re my twin”, and “You should lose some weight.”
Everything I do, we do. Everything we do, she’s the boss. If I resist, she hits me. We have an older sister, but she favors my twin. My friends don’t want to get involved, or are oblivious to it. My parents do nothing. It’s obviously hard to avoid her, and I’m tired of sinking to her level. What can I do?
Twin Problems

Sad story, and being bullied is no fun. However, this plea holds the opportunity to stoop to new lows here at the H H blog, by ridiculing the handicapped. [Hey. They get all the good parking spaces; they should be able to take a joke]. So…. Let’s have some fun by just adding one word to the above, and see how it effects the whole tone of the letter. CONJOINED sounds good to me. Lets have a go at it.

Her Bully Is Her Conjoined Twin
Dear Fannie: I have an eighteen year old conjoined twin sister. We have the same friends, the same classes and even the same extracurriculars.
The problem is, she bullies me. If I have something she wants, she throws things at me. She pushes me out of my chair so she can sit in it. She constantly teases me, even when our friends are over. She says things like, “People only hang out with you because you’re my conjoined twin”, and “You should lose some weight.”
Everything I do, we do. Everything we do, she’s the boss. If I resist, she hits me. We have an older sister, but she favors my conjoined twin. My friends don’t want to get involved, or are oblivious to it. My parents do nothing. It’s obviously hard to avoid her, and I’m tired of sinking to her level. What can I do?
Conjoined Twin Problems

A new low? Who knows? Right now, movement in any direction is considered progress for me.