I don’t know about you, but every afternoon between 2 and 3 I get a lot of calls from people wanting to sell me solar panels or a kitchen re-model. This often repeats itself between 5:30 and 6:30 in the evening. I can always tell when I’m being hit, cause when I answer my phone with “Hello”, I get two seconds of silence, then a click or two, and finally some guy who’s still chewing his food, swallows and asks if Mr. Ne*#@^**d is there.
Here’s where it gets irritating: when they can’t even pronounce my name correctly, and when they get close, it’s pronounced like in a question – did I pronounce that right? Well hell no! Unless you’re calling from Norway (I’ve got a Norwegian last name). I’ve tried to be nice in the past, but I’ve already got solar panes on my roof. And if these fools even bothered to do a little research instead of cold calling anyone who breaths, they’d know I’ve had em since 2007. [Yep…everything in Hansiland is fully solar and powered by the sun. Wouldn’t it be cool if everything on earth were powered by the sun?].
The calls I hate the most are the automated ‘robo-calls’, gawd knows I got enough of those during the last election…some very famous people even called little ol’ me. My favorite (the one that pisses me off the most) is the one that starts off with “Hello Seniors”. That’s enough to piss-off any baby boomer. But here’s the fun part. When I hear that deep rich voice say “hello seniors”, I immediately reply with “Fuck You!” If particularly grouchie, I often go on to spew forth every profanity I learned in the gutter, in potty-mouth overdrive. Pretty cool. Pretty cathartic! I get to say all manner of inappropriate, politically incorrect filth without offending a real person (which is not nice). It’s kinda like being a Socialist Hating Tea Partier without having to give up your Social Security, Medicare and subsidized housing benefits.
I’m now answering my phone, not with “hello”, but with “This is Me”. I think there’s a machine placing endless calls, which is only switched over to an actual solicitor when it hears a “hello” reply. Machines these days can speak English. So, if I say “this is Me”, all my friends will know they’ve reached me (and not you). If a solicitor does get through and asks for Mr. Ne*#@#*d, I get to have some fun and reply, “this is me”, and we’re off to the races. [I actually tried it. They passed over my opening, went on with their spiel, until they asked if I were the homeowner. “This is Me”, I replied. There was silence, and finally they hung-up].
Wowie zowie. Hansi: 1, solicitors: 0. Sure hope they cross me off their list.