Alternative Advice

OK….I’m into something new. Instead of early morning cable TV infomercials, it’s now advice columns. And this is a piece on Alternative Advice Columns. Now, whether that means it’s an alternative to advice columns, or just some alternative advice; I’ll let you figure that one out. Here’s a little gem, worthy of comment by one who spent 30 years as a Probation Officer, tellin’ people what to do, and cramming his advice down their throats.  And it was an actual letter:

Dear Fannie: I have been best friends with “Claire” since junior high school. She is nothing short of a knockout, with a sweet personality to match. We have always been very close, and I treasure our friendship.

The problem is, when we are out together, men are interested in Claire but feel she is unapproachable because she is so beautiful. Instead, they talk to me up to try to get their foot in the door with her. Quite frankly, I am fed up with men only talking to me because they know I am friends with Claire. Then, when she isn’t interested in them, I have to let them down. It’s exhausting!

I am successful, educated, smart and funny, and, I’m not bad looking either, but men are only interested in my hot friend. This has been been going on since high school, and I’m 35, for heaven’s sake. How do I break this cycle? Or, at least, tactfully tell these men that I am no the key to Claire’s heart?

Signed….Invisible

Well, here’s my alternative reply to this sad individual, and it’s not a bunch of happy horse-shit about self-esteem, which was the columnist’s answer.

Dear Invisible,

Girl…Didn’t your mama tell ya that a man ain’t nothing but a dog on two legs? Stop whining, and suck it up. No wonder your not seeing any of that “foot” in your “door” action. There’s nothing faster acting, than a whining woman to reverse a man’s blood flow downstairs. On what bathroom wall did you read that You were the center of the universe???

First of all, stop being such a dumb-shit. If you’re gonna go bar hoppin’ with the girls, make sure you hang around with ugly women. That’s what “Claire” does, and look at all the action she gets. Standing next to a dog will make ya look good in any man’s eye.

If that doesn’t work, and you insist on maintaining a relationship with Claire, talk her into doing a ‘threesome’. Most men will go for that (as long as the other ‘some’ isn’t a guy), Mercy Sex is better than no sex at all. If that don’t work, then it’s time to start hitting below the belt. When some horny guy starts talking to you about Claire’s beauty, say something like, “Yes, Claire does certainly look good; especially now that her Herpes is in remission”. Or, “You know, it’s a miracle how Claire’s shanker sores and vaginal warts cleared up all on their own; without the need for antibiotics…just disappeared.”

Invisible, don’t envy Claire. Hey she’s 35 and still not married. And if she is, well then she’s just a cheatin’ little tramp. A loser any way ya read it. It’s your turn to be the heart-breaker, and not just for Claire

Sincerely….Hansi