More Fun With Spam

The Wife and I still have a joint email account.  Both of us seldom use it, as we now have our own separate email accounts and  refuse to give each other our passwords.  Well I was cleaning out this joint account; only the 112 pieces in the Spam folder, NOT the 532 read messages in the inbox (I know better than that!), and thought I’d do a bulk deletion, when I got to reading some of that crap.  Here’s a little gem you’ve all probably seen in one variation or another, but it’s still: Ripe For Ridicule.

My name is Mr. James Peter, a Senior Staff and Regional Branch Manager here in our  Bank at International Commercial Bank Ghana.
I got your information during my searcher on your Country  Chambers of Commerce. I am 47 Years of Age and Married with five Lovely Kids. It may  Interest you to hear that I am a Man of PEACE.
I only hope we can assist each other. I have packaged a financial Transaction that  Will benefit both of us, as the Regional Bank Manager, it is my duty to send in a Financial report to my head Office in the capital City Accra at the end of each quarter of the year. On the course of last first quarter of the year April 2011report, I discovered that my branch in which I am the manager made Ten Million Five Hundred thousand United State Dollars [$10.5million] Which my Head Office, are not aware.
Then I decided to place this fund on what we call SUSPENSE ACCOUNT without any Beneficiary. As an Officer of the Bank I can not be directly connect to this money, so this informed my contacting you for us to work together so that you can assist me to receive this money into your bank account. I am willing to give you 40% of the total fund. Note there are practically no risk involved, it will be bank to bank transfer, all I need from you is your honesty and assist me to claim as the original depositor of this fund so that my Head office can order the transfer to your designated bank account, I am going to program your name in the database of the Bank as the real depositor of the funds past 3 years ago and you want to close the account to be  transfer back to you in your country.

If you accept this offer to work with me, I will appreciate it very much. As soon as I receive your response I will detail you on how we can achieve it successfully.
Please for any further communications; get in touch with me through my Alternative email:  jamespeter121@hotmail.com

Best Regards,
Mr.James Peter
Mobile +233242243463

Now how could I not respond to such an offer.  He said there’d be little risk for me.  And ten and a half million bucks!  That would do my personal pension plan some Real good.  Hello Hawaiian Cruise.

Here’s what I wrote back:

Thank you Mr James, or is it Peter?  Anyway, I’ll be dipped in shit if joinin’ that Chamber of Commerce, which is a big supporter of all my favorite Republican candidates and issues, didn’t pay off immediately by getting your email.  I too am a man of PEACE, but at the present time my portfolio consists solely of Defense stocks.  [I’m making a killing Jimbo]. And five lovely children, what can I say: Your Peter has been mighty busy there Mr James.  You’re a man after my own heart.

Anyway, looks like the witch doctors in charge of your jungle bank really don’t know shit and screwed up.  They were probably at one of them all you can eat cannibal buffets you guys are so fond of,  and too busy feasting on boiled missionaries to notice that Ten Mill.  Hey, didn’t the British own you guys at one time?  Some of ya got to have a high school education; couldn’t tell by your writing skills.  Getting back to business; I’m an honest man too, and would be happy to help ya screw your employer out some spare change.  But before I send you my bank account information though, I want you to promise me 50% of the proceeds.  We have the IRS over here, and $5 million is a lot of coconut shells, if ya know what I mean.

So count me in Jimbo.  Send me that information as soon as possible; I got a Cruise to book.

Unable to stand the Suspense

Hansi

PS…Tell Mrs. Akuvi Akume (who also got my name from the Chamber of Commerce ) at your rival Standard Chartered Bank of Ghana to fuck-off.  I’m only doin’ business with you.  She only has four lovely children and $8 million in her slush fund.  Any of those kids yours Peter???

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Hey wait!  there’s gonna be  more!!!  But first and foremost, many thanks to my eight year old grandson Branden for supplying the inspired art-work; it’s a fairy and Branden is coming along very nicely in counseling.  Good drawing Branden.

Look for part 2 of More Fun With Spam, as Mr James’ Peter replied to this crap.