mind expanding nonsense

Posts tagged ‘Humor’

The Blog-O-Spear part 2


If you haven’t read my first post on the blog-o-sphere, read it! All this crap will make more sense that way. You don’t go right to the end of the book when you first get it? Do you? OK then; in summary: we’ve been conditioned to crank out bullshit all day since grade school, and only find retirement satisfying if we’re cranking out bullshit.

So this blogging thing has turned into a whole new world, and my Hallucinations have been in included. Despite all the chaos in Blogistan, there does seem to be some method to all this madness (think Hatter, no angry). And that is: to get as many views or hits on your site as you can. Everybody is goin’ round commenting on other blogs, in the hopes that they’ll get people to see what they’ve cranked out. [Old Hansi will plead ‘no contest’ to that one.] I make a post. You make a comment; I respond to your comment. I check out your site, as you check mine. We all check out everybody else, and end up in one huge daisy-chain of people yakking their heads off in order to be herd.

Some sites are really good,like the Cantankerous Old Coots who certainly share a lot of my views ( pun intended). Others offer real help on dealing with retirement issues like what do you crank out, when you no longer crank out bullshit all day? [Seriously, that’s a big one for a lot of folks and a normal phase one goes through upon first retiring.]…….Back to the fun. So why all this trafficking in Yak? To increase readership. One would think ya wanted more than family and friends just reading your stuff and thinking you’re a pervert. Nope. You want to increase your readership so you can Cash In. Make Money…Get Rich….cranking out bullshit all day. How to do it is the hard part. Advertisers are not beating down my door to place their products in front of my twelve avid followers.

But here’s my scam business plan. And I’m focusing on the retiree market: (1) Send me your Social Security check….(2) I’ll spend it on a night of debauchery, and (3) give you full credit in the morning on my blog. On whatever Wednesday of the month you get your check, immediately sign it on the back, add Payable to Hansi, and send it off to me. I promise to spend most of it on a night of unbelievable passion, and the best bottle of Two Buck Chuck money can buy. Plus, You’ll get the actual Polaroid photos I take, in a handsome plain manila envelope, with a personal message from me; I’ll even wave the usual $8.99 shipping and handling fee. In addition, if you are not totally satisfied, and not basking in the vicarious glow of how much I embarrassed myself in your name, I’ll give you a 60 day money back guarantee; and refund your money after 60 days… [Escrow should have closed on my Mexican Villa by then.]….If you act now, I’ll even throw in the cork.

I’ll be waiting at my mailbox,

The Blog-O-Spear

I’m new to this whole Blogging thing, and have only been doing it for two months now. Basically I’m an analogue type of guy time-warped into a digital world. I’ don’t own a cell phone (too much like electronic monitoring for my tastes). I don’t have a Face Book page and don’t “Tweet” on Twitter. I always thought of a “tweet” as a fart that snuck out, and not an off-hand comment you hope someone will read. Maybe there are similarities.

So, next to Germany, the Blog-O-Sphere is the strangest place I’ve ever been. The Internet is full of people yakking their heads off, and people yakking back. Now, I too am yakking my head off; and diggin’ it!

It got me to thinking: What is with this Blog craze? And how did so many retiree’s get involved? The place is filled with Boomers talking about everything from their god-damned cats to financial advice.

Well if you’re 60 or older, you’ve had 50 years of behavioral conditioning taking place on your ass, without even knowing it. It started with the educational system, where perfect attendance was rewarded, and truancy or showing up late punished (sometimes with a Probation Officer on your case). From K to 12, you were trained to sit at a desk all day in school, and crank out bullshit [the only good parts were recess and lunch]. So….If ya did it really well you could go to college where the cranking out of bullshit took on a more compulsive tone. If ya did well in college, (but didn’t go on to graduate school where the cranking out of bullshit hit obsessive compulsive levels), you could get a “good job”, where you sat at a desk and cranked out bullshit all day.

That’s what I did. First in a Welfare Agency, and then with Probation. “But Hansi, weren’t you helping people?” Kinda. But I often had to crank out a lot of bullshit before I could do anything for them. Besides, helping people wasn’t really the mission of these public agencies, It was: every body, on three….^……^^…..^^^..Cranking Out Bullshit.

I wasn’t the only guy who did this all day. I was at the Gym talking to a guy working out and asked him what he did. He replied, “I crank out bullshit all day” “Wow” I said, “Are you a Probation Officer too?” “No”. He was a “educator”, but we were both in the same line of work.

So what does this have to do with the Bog-o-sphere? Classic Pavlovian conditioning! It seems that there’s hordes of retirees out there; and how are they finding fulfillment and meaning in retirement? By cranking out bullshit on their Blogs. That’s what I doing. I have an old bedroom that has been converted into an office/snoring refuge. Got a desk, office supplies, my papers organized….the whole nine yards. I do miss the clerical girls and donuts.

This is gonna have to be a two-parter. Cause I’m really into cranking it out today, but don’t want to challenge anyone’s attention span. Look for my next post, when I tell ya how I’m gonna cash in on all this bullshit.

To Be Continued…..

Super Powers


Did you ever wish you had super powers like your favorite comic book hero?
I sure did! When I was little, I wished I could fly like Superman. That would have been soooo cool. That evolved into X-Ray vision when I was an adolescent. Guess that’s a universal wish for that age-group (seeing through women’s clothes). Anyway, they already have that now in the airports, and while causing quite a stir, is really disgusting in the majority of cases.

All the good powers have been taken. Just about everybody flies like Superman (Spider man has web-assist), or is super strong. There’s not much left that hasn’t already been taken. And to tell the truth, as I get older, going faster than a speeding bullet is way too fast for me; laying on the couch is as fast as I wanna go. More powerful than a locomotive? Wish my bladder was and prostrate not. I would like to leap a stair in a single bound….tall buildings better have elevators.

More than that, I can’t think of any superpowers I really need. I wish however, that I had an invisible shield to deflect bull-shit. And Jedi mind control to set those guys in Washington straight.

How about you? Any super power ya wish you had?

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