mind expanding nonsense

Posts tagged ‘Hansi’

Driving It Into The Ground

Coming up with new subject matter is no easy task here at Hansi’s Hallucinations.  It’s not like any of this stuff is actually appearing in my front room (thank god).  That’s why I keep coming back to the name thing.  Sometimes I can’t just close my eyes, dream up some weird crap and then draw it.  Sure wish there was some kinda magic potion or herb that you could take to hurry some visions along 🙂

So, if you hit on something that is working for ya creativity-wise; might as well do it again.   And if ya do it twice, why not thrice?  Trilogies sure worked for Star Wars,  Lord of the Rings, and all them stupid soap-opera laden Twilight vampire movies featuring nothing but a bunch of  horny teenagers.

When you do something a fourth time, well then you risk beating it to death [already done that,,,see my post “Beating Hansi To Death].  It’s when you just say “fuck-it”, and go for number five, that you’re driving it into the ground.

But here’s the one redeeming factor:  If you’re driving something into the ground, at least you’re still driving.  And I don’t know about you, but I’d much rather drive than be a passenger.


Wow…how’s that for an egotistical, self centered, ‘It’s all about me’ type of post. Well, this is Hansi’s Hallucinations, not Somebody else s Hallucinations, cause then you’d be reading Somebody else s stuff and not mine. So if it’s Hansi’s Hallucinations, then you’re in store for one of my hallucinations. Anyway this is more about Openness and being Open, than about hallucinating. Not like leaving the barn-door open, (or worse yet, leaving Your barn-door open), but about accepting new, or old stuff, in a non-judgmental manner willing to explore it, or even embrace it.

Now here’s a little secret. My real name isn’t Hansi. Close, but not the one on my genuine United States of America Los Angeles County birth certificate. Although I had a German mother, I was actually named after my grandfather on who’s birthday I was born. His name was Hans (pronounced or sounds like hands), and he was Norwegian! I grew up however being called Hansi, because that was a term of endearment used, mostly by German women, for my name. Got it figured out yet?

So I grew up as “Hansi”. That’s what I went by in grade school. That’s what the other kids knew me by. There weren’t any other “Hansis” around. I had a unique name growing up in L A  in the 50’s, you know, like right after WWII.   I really didn’t like being of German decent, didn’t like hearing German spoken in the house; I wanted to American.

In late Junior High, I left the whole Hansi thing behind and started going by my real name (rhymes with schwance). Here’s a trip, through out my professional career as a crime fighter I was know pretty much by my first name only (easier than pronouncing my last name correctly, especially for clients who called me “Mr. Hans”). No other Hansis there either. And that was the problem, I never met another person with my name, and due to egotistical stupid thinking, thought I was the only one [I’m still the only “Hansi” don’t cha know]..

That all changed when I went to Germany last Fall for a family reunion. But what blew me away the most is what I saw on German TV while at my sisters house (she lives in Germany). I saw Hansi Hinterseer. Hansi is Austrian and a former World cup alpine skier turned Pop singer. With long wavy blond hair an good looks, he had a show on that he did in Bavaria, south eastern Germany where the wear all the funny ethnic clothes like they wore in the Frankenstein movies. He was blowing them all away. Women went ga ga, holding up signs with Hansi and a heart on them. One Fraulein even threw a pair of silk ledderhosen on  stage.  Wow!  There was another Hansi, and he was knocking em dead.

I gotta tell ya though. Hansi (not me) was pretty lame. Not my favorite form of guitar-laden blues. But popped-up polka and traditional music, that my sister adamantly assured me was only liked by people down south, and not by All Germans. But that’s not the point, well maybe it is. I was digging it. Loving the tradition. Loving the German-ness of it all..

I was in the Hansi Heaven (not too unlike hog-heaven). Met my cousin of the same name, whose 88 year old mother still called him Hansi  (she called me Hansi too); he hated it.  I didn’t.  Felt good, kinda like I was home. And what I once had disdain for, opened itself to me and I embraced it. Now I’m Hansi again, that little boy, who just wants to play, eat, hangout with my buddies and pursue my fascination with all things naughty.

I started this blog a few months after my return form the family reunion in Germany. I was OK with “Hansi”. Being open to re-visiting some past stuff, and see it in a new light has been a joy; a true release. Openness and acceptance is sure working for me, hope it’s workin’ for you.

Hansi turns 100

Well it’s milestone madness. I’m not a hundred years old, but sometimes I feel like it. Nope, this is my one hundredth post. Big deal, I know, but it still blows my mind that since late last November, I’ve cranked out 100 posts of shear bullshit, with drawings to match. This might just be a case of blowing my own horn, but I want the world to know of my achievements, and assure everybody that Hansi is still full of shit, and there’s more to come.

A little background whilst we are in such a celebratory mood. My son, Bad Deacon, had a few websites that always intrigued me. The most influential being Bad Deacon Design, which was a chronicle of his print making, and not only featured the wood print process, but also displayed his finished works along with drawings and commentary.

Like Dear Old Dad, my son was an Art Major in college also, but instead of going on to fight crime, he went to UC Berkeley and got an engineering degree. Something useful. I was always impressed, not only with his art work (print making being his preferred medium) but with how he did it, and how this enabled him to display his work in what amounted to be his own personal gallery. And if ya do art, ya want to show it, but not necessarily via galleries or craft shows.

So, last Thanksgiving, while home for a visit, the Bad One set me up with a freebie Word Press site, and showed me how he got his work on-line by using a digital camera and how to crop and edit the photos in Photoshop. Magic…Sure beat scribbling crayons on my computer screen (the only way that came to my mind).

So I thought “Cool, I”m drawing daily; trying to regain some old skills that had sat dormant for far too long; let’s give this a go”.  I’m gonna follow in my Son’s footsteps (Hey, ain’t it supposed to be the other way around?)  The rest is history, or at least in the Archives.

Here are a few of my favorite drawings that resulted from some good strong hallucinations. Thank you for partaking in them too.

Nerf gun




Sarah.  What does ‘blood libel’ mean?

TriPhoria the pleasure rocket

Had to throw that one in.  And while we’re at it,  I’ll close with this:

A Love Meaning For Hansi

OK, my son Bad Deacon was home for the weekend, and we begot to talkin’ about blogging. FYI: he was the guy that set me up in the blog0sphere with my Word Press site, which you are reading right now. Don’t thank me. Thank my Bad Son. Anyway, he suggested writing down titles, for use as future blog fodder.

When going over my stats, and checking out where some of my traffic was coming from via Google searches, this one popped out at me: “I want a love meaning for Hansi”. I’m not shitting you!  it’s True…. So I Googled that phrase, and got First Page placement right after some stuff about love songs and before Hansi Ministries (of which I have no affiliation whatsoever). Check it out; but don’t click on Hansi Ministies, unless you want to get saved. Anyway, you probably have no interest whatsoever in getting saved if you’re reading my crap. What could I say but, “Thank you Jesus.” And thank you Son.

A love meaning for Hansi?? OK, Big deal. So one poor sap Googles some dumb shit, and I show up on the search [it works for me].. But this idiot went to my site, and oh my gawd, I hope he or she was surprised. I’ve got the Hansi niche down pat.; and according to my blogging buddy Bill Murney, a niche is what you want to carve out for yourself. Therefore, I will not hesitate to take advantage of this fool and shamelessly make light of his quest, by broadening my Hansi niche with this little number.

I wrote this song a long time ago when I was in a garage band with a bunch of my 40 year old peers. It’s called:  “The Doctor of Love”.

No other woman, no other man

Is as great a lover, as I am

I could make ya happy, I could make you sad

I could be the best thing, you ever had.

I’m not asking you to commit a sin.

Just try a little dose of my medicine.

Cause I’m the Doctor of Love, and I’ll cure all your ills

I got a great big bag of good luvin’ pills.

I’ve been to love college, got my PHD.

So if ya need some luvin’, I’m the man to see.

If you got the fever, or feelin’ blue

There’s gonna be something , I can do.

Just give me a ring,  or come on in

I’ll give ya a dose of my medicine.

All ya gotta do is take my advice,

If it don’t work at first, you gotta try it twice.

Well I hope that poor romantic fool found his love meaning for Hansi. If not, I got one ready made for him. And if they take my advice, they’ll try it more than twice.

The Blog-O-Spear part 2

If you haven’t read my first post on the blog-o-sphere, read it! All this crap will make more sense that way. You don’t go right to the end of the book when you first get it? Do you? OK then; in summary: we’ve been conditioned to crank out bullshit all day since grade school, and only find retirement satisfying if we’re cranking out bullshit.

So this blogging thing has turned into a whole new world, and my Hallucinations have been in included. Despite all the chaos in Blogistan, there does seem to be some method to all this madness (think Hatter, no angry). And that is: to get as many views or hits on your site as you can. Everybody is goin’ round commenting on other blogs, in the hopes that they’ll get people to see what they’ve cranked out. [Old Hansi will plead ‘no contest’ to that one.] I make a post. You make a comment; I respond to your comment. I check out your site, as you check mine. We all check out everybody else, and end up in one huge daisy-chain of people yakking their heads off in order to be herd.

Some sites are really good,like the Cantankerous Old Coots who certainly share a lot of my views ( pun intended). Others offer real help on dealing with retirement issues like what do you crank out, when you no longer crank out bullshit all day? [Seriously, that’s a big one for a lot of folks and a normal phase one goes through upon first retiring.]…….Back to the fun. So why all this trafficking in Yak? To increase readership. One would think ya wanted more than family and friends just reading your stuff and thinking you’re a pervert. Nope. You want to increase your readership so you can Cash In. Make Money…Get Rich….cranking out bullshit all day. How to do it is the hard part. Advertisers are not beating down my door to place their products in front of my twelve avid followers.

But here’s my scam business plan. And I’m focusing on the retiree market: (1) Send me your Social Security check….(2) I’ll spend it on a night of debauchery, and (3) give you full credit in the morning on my blog. On whatever Wednesday of the month you get your check, immediately sign it on the back, add Payable to Hansi, and send it off to me. I promise to spend most of it on a night of unbelievable passion, and the best bottle of Two Buck Chuck money can buy. Plus, You’ll get the actual Polaroid photos I take, in a handsome plain manila envelope, with a personal message from me; I’ll even wave the usual $8.99 shipping and handling fee. In addition, if you are not totally satisfied, and not basking in the vicarious glow of how much I embarrassed myself in your name, I’ll give you a 60 day money back guarantee; and refund your money after 60 days… [Escrow should have closed on my Mexican Villa by then.]….If you act now, I’ll even throw in the cork.

I’ll be waiting at my mailbox,

The Blog-O-Spear

I’m new to this whole Blogging thing, and have only been doing it for two months now. Basically I’m an analogue type of guy time-warped into a digital world. I’ don’t own a cell phone (too much like electronic monitoring for my tastes). I don’t have a Face Book page and don’t “Tweet” on Twitter. I always thought of a “tweet” as a fart that snuck out, and not an off-hand comment you hope someone will read. Maybe there are similarities.

So, next to Germany, the Blog-O-Sphere is the strangest place I’ve ever been. The Internet is full of people yakking their heads off, and people yakking back. Now, I too am yakking my head off; and diggin’ it!

It got me to thinking: What is with this Blog craze? And how did so many retiree’s get involved? The place is filled with Boomers talking about everything from their god-damned cats to financial advice.

Well if you’re 60 or older, you’ve had 50 years of behavioral conditioning taking place on your ass, without even knowing it. It started with the educational system, where perfect attendance was rewarded, and truancy or showing up late punished (sometimes with a Probation Officer on your case). From K to 12, you were trained to sit at a desk all day in school, and crank out bullshit [the only good parts were recess and lunch]. So….If ya did it really well you could go to college where the cranking out of bullshit took on a more compulsive tone. If ya did well in college, (but didn’t go on to graduate school where the cranking out of bullshit hit obsessive compulsive levels), you could get a “good job”, where you sat at a desk and cranked out bullshit all day.

That’s what I did. First in a Welfare Agency, and then with Probation. “But Hansi, weren’t you helping people?” Kinda. But I often had to crank out a lot of bullshit before I could do anything for them. Besides, helping people wasn’t really the mission of these public agencies, It was: every body, on three….^……^^…..^^^..Cranking Out Bullshit.

I wasn’t the only guy who did this all day. I was at the Gym talking to a guy working out and asked him what he did. He replied, “I crank out bullshit all day” “Wow” I said, “Are you a Probation Officer too?” “No”. He was a “educator”, but we were both in the same line of work.

So what does this have to do with the Bog-o-sphere? Classic Pavlovian conditioning! It seems that there’s hordes of retirees out there; and how are they finding fulfillment and meaning in retirement? By cranking out bullshit on their Blogs. That’s what I doing. I have an old bedroom that has been converted into an office/snoring refuge. Got a desk, office supplies, my papers organized….the whole nine yards. I do miss the clerical girls and donuts.

This is gonna have to be a two-parter. Cause I’m really into cranking it out today, but don’t want to challenge anyone’s attention span. Look for my next post, when I tell ya how I’m gonna cash in on all this bullshit.

To Be Continued…..

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