mind expanding nonsense

Posts tagged ‘flatulence’

Hansi, the Farting P O


There’s a series of childrens books out their called “Walter The Farting Dog”. No, Really, it’s true and kids love em. They usually consist of a story about how Walter grosses everyone out with his farts (dog farts are the worst) to the point of being ostracized. But Walter redeems himself, by farting of course, and saves the day. My grandsons love these books. The two and a half year old is a little short on the farting concept; there’s a fine line between a fart and a loaded diaper for that little stinker. The eight year old rolls on the floor, reading Walter; especially when Grandpa provides all the juicy sound effects for the punch-line: “And Walter farted”.  Great fun with the grand kids. Fun with flatulence. Doesn’t get much better than that.

Well, old grandpa Hansi has totally sold-out, and is back at work in the House of Pain, working as a Probation Office. Hence the post title Hansi The Farting P O. You probably know where this is going, so take a deep breath, and let’s jump right into it.

I showed up on my first day at 8:00 in the morning, ready for action. And I came properly prepared,  with an amble breakfast of eggs n bacon, a few sausages thrown in , and some stewed prunes, earlier.

Well by 8;00, them prunes were starting to do some heavy lifting down in my lower intestines. I was led into the office, past security, and as my boss opened the last door, Hansi farted! And as a  foul odor wafted in, and a strong draft  sucked it in, a stench pervaded the office.  About six people rose from their cubicles and said, “Hey, Hansi’s back”.

I was placed in a cubicle a a far end of the building, next to all the xerox machines and printers. That got B O R I N G real fast. So I got to thinkin’, ‘I can’t fight crime on an empty stomach,; let’s see whats in the break-room’. Well, I almost filled my britches when I learned that it was Breakfast Burrito day. Someone brought some homemade bean and cheese burritos, and I dove in.

An hour later, I was asked to do a drug test for a female officer; women can’t test male clients cause we do urine tests. And you won’t believe this, but some probation clients try and cheat on drug testing, so we gotta see a urine stream from dick to jar (and the contents better be yellow and warm); being “dirty” is usual reason they try and dip the jar in the toilet when I’m not looking.  Now this client was reluctant to pee for me. “ I can’t go.”  So after making him drink ten glasses of water, we’re back in the testing room [a small bathroom with commode only, but plenty of mirrors], and I’m waiting, patiently, but  something starts rumbling downstairs. Well he couldn’t go. I couldn’t hold it. Hansi cut loose a silent, but none the less deadly, fart.  (I didn’t think it was so bad.)

The client went into a coughing spasm, lost bladder control, and peed into the jar, and on his hands and down into his shorts. I got my sample. BTW We did a presumptive test ( a little dip-stick ya put I the pee pee ); found him “dirty” [tested positive for drugs], and they hauled his ass off to jail.

Lunch was cabbage rolls. [I got to start making better choices.] But all that crime fighting in the bathroom really worked up an appetite. Two hours latter I was in pain. I could hardly sit still, not to mention being all alone with nothing but filing cases surrounding me…when the Alarms went off!! Flashing red lights on the walls. Meaning: There’s a Problem. Shit is going down. Everybody, put down them donuts, get your asses in gear and respond. Well their was a disturbance in the waiting room. A domestic violence client was getting into it with his ex-wife (who was also a client). I was the last one there, and we had a standoff going on. Too many non-involved people to use pepper spray. Both parties at each others throats.

Damn if those cabbage rolls didn’t get their revenge on me. Hansi let a huge, gigantic fart rip! A green cloud spread over the waiting room. People dropped like flies. Officers down, incapacitated. A heap of humanity writhing on the floor. [I thought it was a good one] . So I got my handcuffs, “hooked em up” and saved the day.

Boy….Everybody was glad that old Hansi was back. I even got a better office, and one with a window. I have to always keep it Open though.

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