mind expanding nonsense

Phucking With Phone Scammers

I got a phone call recently telling me that I just won the lottery and there was a 25 million dollar prize just waiting for me. 25 MILLION DOLLARS!!! This was my lucky day, and I was the luckiest person on earth cause I didn’t even buy a ticket, and presto outta the blue I’m a big winner.   How cool.  I told the guy to send me the check ASAP, cause in the two minutes I was on the phone, I’d already spent half of it, and that money was already burning a hole in my pocket.  Well hold on Bonzo, it wasn’t that easy.  See, because of technicalities, fees and a host of other impoverishing bullshit, I needed to send them some money first in-order for the (my) check to be released to me.   Needless to say, my enthusiasm quickly diminished as a little voice in the back of my head started screaming FRAUD!

After declining my fortune and hanging up, I went on Google (the source of all knowledge) and indeed verified that this was a common scam, and yes, you never get something for nothing.  I vowed revenge next time.

Well, sure as shit, there was a next time; I guess they got tired of pretending to be Windows technicians.  So when the guy with the heavy Indian accent told me I was a winner, I expressed my joy and udder utter dis-belief of such sudden good fortune with every four lettered word and expression I’d ever heard in a junior high school locker room or seen written on a bathroom wall.  “Well I’ll be dipped in shit” was my first response, and it took a nose-dive into the gutter from there covering all orifices both coming and going.  Every foul, crude, tasteless and disgusting expression I could think of came out of my potty mouth in a gigantic cosmic dry-heave of profanity and filth.

Funny thing was, despite all this verbal sewage, the guy on the other end seem totally unfazed.  Maybe it was the language barrier ( I was adding a lot of southern style twang ), or maybe it went over his head and he was just patiently waiting for me to give up my credit card number.  Anyway, after my verbal diarrhea dried up, I told him to phuck-off and hung-up the phone.

I know a lot of you may be thinking, “Now Hansi, that’s an angry response, and all them cuss words wasn’t very nice.”  Well maybe.  But this guy was a crook who was trying to rip me and other unsuspecting Seniors off.  I wanted to give him the message that ya Don’t Phuck With Old Folks!



Comments on: "Phucking With Phone Scammers" (11)

  1. My Albino Ex once got one of these calls in which the caller identified himself by name as let’s say, Joe Schmo, and he erupted before the pitch could start “Joe? Joe SCHMO? That Joe from Cleveland? Joe! Joe! I thought the Cong got ya!…. ” CLICK.

    Please, continue to up your game. We all need ideas.

  2. Next time record your rant and send it to me–I want to use it for my answering machine greeting!

    Happy New Year!

  3. When I get these, mostly emails, I request gold bullion instead of a check. Usually get no follow-up calls.

  4. A common scam here in Brazil is someone pretending to be your son/daughter who’s been kidnapped and you have to pay X-amount (like a few hundred) to free them. A few years ago a kid called up with this scam, and I have to give him 10,000 points for how he played it. He was crying, as they do, saying “Dad, dad… they have me” blah, blah, blah. I was trying not to laugh, so i put my wife on. She led the kid on for a while, then finally said, “But I don’t have any kids.” You know what the little bastard said? “Oh, you want to make some?”

    He deserved money just for that.

    • I had a similar one like that here in California. A kid called and said he was my grandson and got hurt.  Sounded strange so I asked him what his middle name was…he hung up.  There’s an especially lower realm of Hell reserved for these phuckers. 🙂

      • A really, really horrible one happened 3 years ago. My father-in-law was in hospital, intensive care, where he would die a few days later. A call came in from someone claiming to be in the hospital saying he need XYZ medication urgently, but we had to pay then and there, now, or he could die.

  5. Good for you. I’m usually polite to cold callers – it’s a crap job – but I show no mercy to the scammers. I say, “You are a criminal. Is your mother proud of you?” and so far they’ve put down the phone.

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