When I die, I’m goin’ to Heaven. Or so I thought at one time cause I sure didn’t want to go to Hell. Ya ever wonder what Heaven is gonna be like when we finally get there? I’m dying to know. [Couldn’t let that one pass – but it is too bad that only dead people really know what Heaven is like – the living can only guess, or take it on the word of others who are only guessing]. All I know for sure is: in Heaven everybody has wings, plays a harp (not the blues harmonic variety) and has a halo over their head. And…there’s no sex! Nope. The Apostle Paul (a life long bachelor) said that in the resurrection we’ll be like angels and that we’d all be one, neither male nor female, in Christ. Sounds like a great big group hug to me.
Aside from no sex, which would be alright with me cause I’m almost there now, but would still like keep the option open, Heaven must be a very relaxing place. Stress free, very mellow. If there’s realms in Hell like Dante said (I worked in one for 30 years), there must be realms in Heaven too. God has got to be at the top, with Jesus right next to him, the Apostles under Him and so on. For someone like me who just barely qualifies, there’s got to be lower or entry levels. Still good, but not up there with the saints like Mother Theresa and Tammy Fay Baker. That’s cool with me. I’ve always preferred to do my own thing. But in heaven, my thing will no longer be sinful. Maybe that’s another reason why there won’t be sex in Heaven.
I wonder if you can hang-out with your friends up there in Heaven? Being with your loved ones all the time can get pretty boring. It was back down on earth. Sadly, a lot of my friends won’t be up there with me. They’ll be burning up in Hell, having all the sex they want, and I’ll only be able to look down upon them with fond remembrance while they’re screwing their brains out. [The reason there’s so much sex going on in Hell is not because it’s such a loosely run wicked place. Hell no! Satan is in firm control. It’s because Hell is the opposite of Heaven, and if there’s no sex in Heaven, well there’s gotta be a lot of it in Hell, or so the logic goes. Plus, Hell is a place of punishment, so all that sex isn’t meant for your enjoyment but rather torture so you can suffer for your sins (usually too much sex) for all eternity. See, in Hell you gotta have sex all the time, with no breaks, and with the same person for ever and ever amen. If you had an ex-wife*, she’d be the first candidate.
Too bad Heaven isn’t somewhere here on Earth. People would be lined up for miles to get in, even if it were held in some retirement community clubhouse.
*Or ex-husband as the case may be. Although everybody in Heaven is asexual (mens penises fall off during the resurrection**, making Heaven a truly heavenly place cause ya don’t have to get up three times a night to pee), everybody in Hell is fully sexed which adds to the sexual tension which is part of the eternal punishment, plus, there’s no K Y Jelly (too flammable). God does work in strange ways.
**Next time you’re outside and feel something plop on your head, it may not be from a bird, but just some old geezer wafting his way up to heaven.