mind expanding nonsense

My Creation Myth


I heard this story on National Public Radio the other day about how four out of 10 Americans believe the creation myth in Genesis is literally true. However, the story pointed out, some conservative Christian scholars are saying publicly that they can no longer believe the Genesis account. Asked how likely it is that we all descended from Adam and Eve, Dennis Venema, a biologist at Trinity Western University, replied: “That would be against all the genomic evidence that we’ve assembled over the last 20 years, so not likely at all.” Venema says there is no way we can be traced back to a single couple. He says with the mapping of the human genome, it’s clear that modern humans emerged from other primates as a large population — long before the Genesis time frame of a few thousand years ago. And given the genetic variation of people today, he says scientists can’t get that population size below 10,000 people at any time in our evolutionary history.

Well I don’t know about you, but the thought of having evolved from a bunch of immoral fornicating monkeys is an insult to my intelligence.  And, doesn’t explain very well why the world is like it is [but maybe it does].  If you read between the lines of Genesis a little bit, and extrapolate in a true hallucinatory manner; maybe this will explain everything:

I think we are all familiar with the creation story in Genesis, (or at least should be if you went to Sunday School as you were supposed to), and how God created the world in six days. But it was the second week after creation when things started to get interesting and go a foul.

In six days God made everything from dry land, to the fish in the seas, to the animals, whose primary job it was to be fruitful and multiply. The last thing God made was man, after which he had to take a break and rested on the seventh day.

On day eight, God brought the animals before Adam for him to name. Well, everything that was created on the fourth and fifth day, had a few days to get their land legs, were well rested, and now took to obeying God in earnest by getting fruitful and starting to multiply.  The world turned into sheer copulation chaos. Having a days jump on everyone else, the oceans were already a boil with passion. The air reeked of pollen, musk and pheromones, suffering from a global case of stink-finger. Everything on land was now busy screwing its brains out, and was filled with Holy Heat (no wonder they called it Paradise).

Everything was busy doin’ it except Adam. [One had to wonder if Adam named the animals, “fucking cattle”, “fucking lions” or “fucking elephants”, because he was pissed about being left out of all the fun; or, was he just describing what he was seeing going on all around him?] Well God felt sorry for Adam, and while he slept, created a woman out of one of his ribs: Eve. So what is the first thing Adam does after seeing Eve? Yep, He jumps her bones. With everything else around him balling their socks off, Old Adam must have felt really horny despite only being two days old.

Now, the real historical moment. What does Eve do next? Eat the apple. Nope, that happens a few days latter; old Eve gets to thinking. “Now that bone jumping wasn’t too bad, a little messy, somewhat enjoyable. But….I still feel a little …unsatisfied.”  So when Adam is asleep (the time when all sorts of weird shit happens on newly created planet earth), a brain-storm occurs to Eve and she really starts to thinking. “If God made me out of clay and part of Adam’s rib, why don’t I fashion something similarly rib shaped, and then I’ll never be unsatisfied again!” And Bingo! I’ll leave the rest up to your evil imagination.

Seeing how creative and cunning Eve was, put ideas into the Serpent’s mind, who was standing around watching all this madness. [That was before God took away his limbs, and not specifically mentioned in scripture, his penis too.] “If Eve would fall for a fake phallus, just think of what she’d do for a bite from the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil.” And you know the rest of the story; it’s been downhill ever since.

Well that sure provides a better explanation about our present state of affairs to me.  The moral of the story: Guys..don’t get discouraged when the woman in your life gets on your case and wants to change you into a better man. That’s just the old Mother Eve genes kicking in. God created you as a finished product, Not a proto-type, that can be “monkeyed” with, via constant improvement.

“My gawd Hansi; Is that all you think about is sex?”  No….I sometimes think about eating and taking naps too.  But I just can’t help it.  I came from a group of Northern European monkeys, who when not eating bananas in the Black Forest, where busy laying around fornicating all day.  [That was before they invented beer, after which they got fat and didn’t care anymore.]  So that’s why my pretend version of creation is by far more satisfying than a bunch of monkey business.

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Comments on: "My Creation Myth" (23)

  1. So, it’s the dildo’s fault for the fall of man? Sounds legit 🙂

  2. Love how your mind works. What precipitated this? Were you lighting up some wacky tobaccy?

  3. “Well I don’t know about you, but the thought of having evolved from a bunch of immoral fornicating monkeys is an insult to my intelligence.”

    Well maybe not all of us but it’s hard to deny that some of us (Republican and NRA leadership, FOX news, Koch brothers, wink, wink) have a lot of baboon blood in them.

  4. My lord, it does make for a better story than the original, but there are actually 2 different genesis stories in genesis, and 4 authors of the book in all. It makes for plenty of mess of it’s own kind just trying to tickle out the various threads of writing.

  5. But where does this lead if you believe that Adam had a first wife named Lilith?

  6. I think you might want to consider the witness protection program before this gets too much publicity!

  7. Lilith dumped Adam because he was crap at sex. She ran off with a fallen angel to bonk like rabbits in the desert. THEN god made Eve from Adam’s rib. According to the Book of Hansi, she didn’t run off with a fallen angel, but compensated for Adam’s lack of prowess in the penis department with a dildo. Either way, doesn’t show Adam in a good light 😀

  8. A clown is a poet, who is also, an orangutan …

  9. I’m not at all into religion and bible stuff, but I really like that illustration.

  10. The Book of Hansi about Genesis is quite the Revelation. Well done! … You mention sex, naps, and food …. no alcohol?

  11. […] Hansi has a great sense of humor. Well, some say “sick” is a better descriptor. Nonetheless, his creation myth is a hoot. […]

  12. This, and everyone’s comments, really did have me LOL’ing. Good stuff! This is way more entertaining and original, than the original. Actually makes more sense, too.

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