mind expanding nonsense

Drunk Driving

Whatever you do, the one thing you don’t ever wanna do is get stopped for drunk driving.  Because if you’re caught driving under the influence of alcohol, or while intoxicated, or just generally messed-up on booze, well you’re screwed.  So unless you’re in the market for a good screwing, ya never ever wanna get “picked up” on a “deuce”, DUI, DWI, or what ever ya call it where you live.

And here’s why.  You may think old Hansi is just some retired guy who sits around the house  all day loaded and drawing weird shit to post on his stupid blog.  Well that’s true 99% of the time.  But a couple times a week, I go back to the House of Pain and work for my former probation department as a extra-help Probation Officer.  There, I assist two full time P.O.s who supervise two massive 2000 person first time DUI caseloads.

People convicted of driving Under the Influence are put on formal probation in my California County, and that means a Probation Officer is checking on you to see if you’re paying your $3000 in fines and fees; doing your work program (which you gotta pay for); and  attending your three to nine month drinking driver program (alcohol school, which ya once again gotta pay for too).

And if ya don’t, and one of us finds out ( here’s where the fornicating begins), then I’m writing a Violation of Probation declaration (no wonderful illustrations on them puppies), and sending you a nasty little letter telling you when your ass better be in court to avoid having a Bench Warrant  issued for your arrest.  Pretty cool.  Now I don’t know about you, but I couldn’t stand having someone like me, jumping in my shit and creating a world of hurt for my ass  just because I didn’t do something I was told to do.  No Sir.  Fuck that shit!

Pretty bizarre huh?  And one might even wonder, “Why the hell are you doing what ya did for thirty years now in retirement?”  Well, it’s simple.  See,I like having money (vaporizers and good medicine don’t come cheap), and fucking with people and being an asshole are the only marketable skills I have; ain’t no money in blogging.

So, next time you’re out n the town getting wasted, think about old Hansi.  Call a cab, it’s much cheaper than three years of probation.  Like they say in my neck of the woods: “Come to Ventura on vacation, leave  on probation”.


Comments on: "Drunk Driving" (19)

  1. DUI is the only arrest wherein Miranda cannot be invoked. Also violates 5th amendment wherein you are forced to provide the evidence against yourself. That Clarence Darrow stuff aside we must get the drunk driver off the road. And even if you are granted a “to work only” driving permit during suspension period your insurance goes up five X for next 5 years. Another problem in Miami is that wherever these facilities for school and such are placed there are no parking spaces at all. Miami Dade is a huge county and not bus friendly and it can take 2-3 hour travel time each way to get to these places. I’d suggest robbing a bank instead.

    • It used to be that drunk driving was no big deal; everybody does it. But now it’s a big deal, and costs ya dearly. Literally.


  2. An amazingly honest description of how the legal system…note I said “legal” system, not “justice” system (the only justice in the garbage dump our courts have become is what you can afford to buy) works in regard to DUI’s. Unfortunately it applies to MOST things legal related, not just drunk driving.

    Hansi…stay in California. You’d never make it in DC with that kind of honesty.

    • Well Bob, there is justice in the legal system. It’s just how much justice can you afford. 🙂


  3. LOL. since probation officers just put money in my pocket, I never much cared whether they were asshats or really cared about their probationees. Some did, some didn’t. Same for lawyers, judges, cops, the entire system. Somehow it all shuffles along with a justice of sorts.

  4. You know we need to get the drunks off the road….and then may we start on the asswipes that are on the phone? What is the penalty, in most states, for causing an accident will talking to Betty Lou about what Mary had to say about you? I have a bumpersticker that reads…..”My dog was killed by some bitch on her phone”!

    • Nothing deadlier than a Soccer Mom texting junior’s big win while driving home.


  5. Love the “wallpaper” effect behind the driver. Could make a twisted sort of pun…

  6. Hansi, I promise, promise, promise, if I make it to California I won’t drink and drive. And please don’t illustrate on puppies.

  7. So that’s why Lindsey Lohand had to work in the morgue! Thanks for clearing that up.

  8. This PSA brought to you by a true public servant.

  9. I’m giving up driving right now. And I’m the other side of the world!

  10. wow, that’s some great disincentive to drink and drive .. is it working ? we need to ramp up our so called rewards 🙂

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