mind expanding nonsense

Spellcheck vs. Skype


Damn You Evil Spell-check

I was talking to my Sister Heidi the other day on Skype. I know “Hansi and Heidi”….how cute… how German!  Anyway she lives in Germany now, and despite going to all the same LA schools I did, even graduating from UCLA, she has slowly lost her command of the mother tongue, but not so much as to spare me a sound lashing with it.  The upbraiding notwithstanding, Skype is a real good way for us to talk to each other for free.  And now that we each popped fifteen bucks (her Euro’s) for a cheapie computer camera, we can also see each other.  Pretty high teck.

She was telling me about how much she likes my blog, and without breaking step or taking a new breathe of air, jumps right in my shit about proof reading the stuff I write. “Don’t you proof read what you right?” “Of coarse” I say. “Kinda”.  She was quick to point out the many grammatical and linguistic errors I often times made. Like writing illegible instead of illegal in one of my pieces. [Big deal. You know what I meant; and like we used to say in the Probation Department: “close enough for government work”]

Now this was humiliating, especially considering that she’s been speaking a whole lot more German than English for the past 40 years. She thinks in German; dreams in German, and hardly sounds like a good ol’ Southern California girl who used to speak our un-accented brand of English so flawlessly. I had to remind her though, that she too was subject to linguistic brain farts. We were once talking about Easter and she meant to say something about the resurrection, but instead called it the…”Re-Erection.” What a Boner! But I knew what she meant, and Hey….same difference. Both refer to bringing something recently dead back to life.

The basic problem for me is relying on Spell-check to do my thinking for me. If it ain’t in red, it must be OK. Not only do I not have to no how to spell. I don’t even half to think. It’s sew much easier. Damn you evil Spell-check! I was subsequently upbraided for my reliance on a machine doing all the work for me. [Actually I do proof read my stuff, but am so well medicated when I do, that by the time I scroll to the bottom of the post, I’ve totally forgotten about any errors I may have noticed….Didn’t want to tell her that].

But here’s the good part, when we went to visit Heidi  September 2010, she used a GPS device called  “Tom Tom” to get us all over Germany, even to Frankenstein’s Castle! (Yep…that’s ol’ Hansi next to the sign; burg means castle in German). This thing was programed with a female voice named “Lisa”. Lisa was very helpful and always polite, but it was fun to hear ol’ Lisa jump in Heidi’s shit when she missed a turn. Lisa was so insistent and merciless in her admonitions, that my sister had to placate Lisa with loving reassurances that Heidi was aware of the transgression, and rectify (good thing I didn’t write rectum by mistake) the matter forthwith. I sure learned a lot of German from Lisa. Got ‘turn right’ and ‘turn left’ down pat.

I guess Heidi is right! Gotta stop relying on a machine. She encouraged me to do my own thinking, and provided examples to highlight the importance of proper punctuation and Capitalization.

“Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse, and helping your uncle jack off a horse.” she said. And the phrase: Jack said the teacher was an ass. Could mean two very different things depending on punctuation: 1) Jack said,“ the teacher was an ass.” Or 2) “Jack”, said the teacher,“was an ass”

Thank you heidi, for the Help.

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Comments on: "Spellcheck vs. Skype" (33)

  1. Heidi’s use of re-erection may not be so silly as it can be a very meaningful expression from the theological sense. I believe the Resurrection is not only a particular event in time for Jesus, but it is a process available for each of us to rise and re-erect our faith and way of living. Hence….

  2. A very clever and humorous post Hansi.

    “What a Boner! But I knew what she meant, and Hey….same difference. Both refer to bringing something recently dead back to life.”

    Did “Lisa” in any way aid you in rising to the occasion?

    • Strangely enough, as our trip progressed, I began to develop a real liking to “Lisa”.

      ________________________________

  3. I’m new to your blog, having found it via another blog I follow for the fellow blogger’s unique sense of humor. I think I’ll stay, since your words brightened an ordinary, cold winter day here in SW Wisconsin. Really enjoyed your style and word play.

    • Thanks for stopping by. I know how cold it can get up there. My family originates from the area around Lacrosse, a little town called Coon Valley.

      ________________________________

      • I’m blown away by coincidence. Coon Valley is the short blip on highway 14 on the way to Lacrosse. Make the trip frequently. Coon Valley police are very vigilant about speeders blowing through town after rolling down the hill on the edge o’ town. An acquaintance was surprised to get a CD in the mail with his speeding ticket recording the whole event.

      • He must of been Catholic. That’s Lutheran territory down there.

        ________________________________

  4. How clever to manage to introduce sex into a post about your own sister without being utterly perverse. Clever.

    As to the spell check. I frankly love my own prose so much, that at least as much as I can, I read all my stuff again before I post it, and thus catch a plethora of crap that spell check would never notice. But I also don’t do it enough.

    It is an easy way out, I confess. and I’m getting worse not better on the apostrophe crap. I’m so confused now, I never know what needs one.

    • A good machine will help you with all that confusion, they’re pretty good at removing the human element.

      ________________________________

  5. Hansi, Loved this post.

  6. Some real pearls here, Hansi. Sniggered at “close enough for govt work” and the one about “bringing something recently dead back to life”.

    But hey, is that an olive branch you’re offering there to Frankenstein, or a fig leaf for your private parts? (which in this case appears to be your nipples not your whatsie)

    • Frankenstein is deserving of an offering: great story, scary movie. As for private parts, I don’t know ‘whatsie’ you’re talking about 🙂

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  7. I’m withholding any comment until Heidi has given her side of the story!

  8. Your sister Heidi said:

    Hansi is telling the truth–my side of the story is the same as his.
    By the way, I had a serious talk with my two sons when they were here at home for Christmas. Since I know that I’m getting older than I want to admit, I told them that I don’t want to be dependent on a machine or be reduced to fluid nutrition. So what did my boys do? They unpluged my computer and took away my wine!

  9. Terrance H. said:

    When I respond from my phome I make tons of errors. It’s annoying. But I’m too lazy or in too much of a hurry to care. But this post was funny, and a cool drawing.

  10. That’s a nice and clean drawing.

    And yeah (ahem), I’ve noticed some errors too, Hansi but I knew what you meant. Didn’t take away one bit from the humor or keep me from laughing.

  11. Accepting errors is one of the beauties of blogs. So – stick it Heidi … or is it stick it, Heidi … oh well, I sure she has a sense of humor.

    • Yea she does. My sis has provided me with a lot of good material, being intentional or not.

      ________________________________

  12. Snoring Dog Studio said:

    Frankly, most of the time I can’t tell you’re misspelling on purpose or engaging in your usual word play, which comes before the act of posting, by the way.

  13. Hansi,
    You’ve got to stop listening to the Germanic style of thinking. Germans are precise, exacting and pedantic. Let yourself flow with with English language where spelling was long and art form not a science. Read your Chaucer and relax about spelling – or spell check. Something sick about an LA chick that flees to Germany.

  14. I also use spell check….”sort of and kinda”…..its an old fart thing….LOL

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