mind expanding nonsense

Sodomy and Gomorrah

The Bible is a pretty trippy book and has lots of interesting stories in it.  Most of the stories don’t make much sense, especially if ya read the King James Version with all its Thee, Thy and Thous. But the KJV  does give you a hint of what God would sound like if he actually talked to you [“Hansi, Why doest thou such abominations in the sight of the Lord?”], but also gives one an insight into how God thinks thinketh.

Sodomy is also a cool word, mainly because it’s antiquated, and in order to appreciate it’s full meaning, you got to know a little about the Bible (even though the word itself  is not in the Bible), or at least remember what you were told in Sunday School.  It’s also a legal term for anal intercourse and was in the California Penal Code as an offense that was illegal if confined in a correctional facility.  “Penetration with a foreign object”  is also one of my favorite sex crime Penal Code terms; leaves a lot to the imagination as to to who or what that might be.

Anyway, back to Sodomy, or more properly Sodom and it’s suburb Gomorrah.  Apparently those two towns were so filled with homosexuals, that God had to step in and change their sexual preference by burning them up with fire and brimstone (whatever that is); for there was no praying away the Gay in those days.

So let’s blow the dust off our Bibles, and take a look at the real story.  It will bloweth thy mind.  The story starts in Genesis 18:20, right after Abraham, who used to be called Abram, put the ham to his wife Sarah’s maid, Hagar, and got her pregnant.  Well God tells Abraham the “the cry of Sodom and Gomorrah is great, and because their sin is very grievous”.   Doesn’t say what their sin was, probably because the Ten Commandments weren’t written yet.  But it must have been far worse than screwing the help at age 86.

What does Abe do?  Give God a high five and say right-on Lord?  Nope, true to his soon to be father of the not only the Jews, but Arabs  fashion; he starts bargaining with God.  “Wilt Thou also destroy the righteous with the wicked?  Peradventure there be fifty righteous in the city: wilt thou also destroy and not spare the place for fifty righteous therein?”  Gen 18: 23-24. [Can you hear the Yiddish accent?].  God could live with that, but Abraham started hedging his bets, and said How about forty-five?  And so it went till Abe talked God into sparing Sodom if there were as few as ten righteous people therein.  Talk about buying wholesale only, them be pretty good odds also.

Chapter 19 begins with two angels showing up at Sodom, who were met by Abraham’s nephew, Lot.  No wonder Abe was trying to drive such a hard bargain.  Lot asked the Angels to stay with him at his house rather than just in the street as they preferred, and made them a feast.  After a mouthwatering meal of unleavened bread, it was bed-time.  But who shows up at his door but all the men of Sodom who called out to Lot, “Where are the the men that came in to thee this night?  bring them out unto us that we may know them.”  Gen 19:5.  Getting to know someone in Bible days wasn’t like, “Hi, I’m Sammy the Sodomite. What’s your name?”  Nope!  that’s because “Knew” meant “Screw” in those days, so what they really meant was, “Hi, Welcome to Sodom. Now it’s time to get sodomized”.

Well Lot (aka ‘Righteous Lot’) was aghast and didn’t want his guests sodomized, let alone have them to give gomorrah to everyone outside on top of it.  So he did the only righteous thing available; he offered these guys his two virgin daughters so they could have their way with em…verse 8.  Now how two woman could somehow satisfy a group of horny gay guys is beyond me.  And what about the integrity of his daughters?  We’ll talk about those two trollops later.

The Angels soon got pissed, and after smiting the crowd outside with blindness ( in reality probably youthful masturbation catching up with them), warned Lot that he better get his family together and prepare to leave cause God was going to destroy the city.  So Lot got his wife and two daughters (who were apparently married but still virgins), but not his sons in-law, who thought Lot was nuts and wanted to stay.  [They were probably gay too, so that explains the unconsummated marriages].

To make a long story short, the four of them flee.  God rains down fire and brimstone (sulfur) on Sodom and Gomorrah.  Turns Mrs. Lot into a pillar of salt for looking back at the spectacle.  And Lot and his daughters end up living in a cave.  But the story doesn’t stop there.  Having ones wife turn into a salty phallus must left a bad taste in lot’s  mouth cause it turned him to drinking.  And his two daughters?  Gotta read verses 31-38.  With all the local men burnt to a crisp, they had no one to make babies with, so they took turns getting Dad drunk and each have sex with him.  I guess incest was OK only if you wanted offspring.

So what was the sin of Sodom?  Let’s see.  Uncle Abe was boinking the maid.  The men of Sodom were buggering each other, and Lot was banging his two daughters.  Must of  had something to do with sex, but adultery was yet to become illegal in those pre-Mosaic days.  Was it homosexuality?

NOPE…”say what?”   Not according to God’s profit prophet Ezekiel.  Check out Ezekiel 16: 49-50.  “Behold, this was the iniquity of  thy sister Sodom (speaking of Jerusalem), pride, fulness of bread, and abundance of idleness was in her daughters, neither did she strengthen the hand of the poor and needy.  And they were haughty, and committed abomination (?) before me…”.  Hot damn!   Sure seems like when it comes to screwing, God is mostly concerned that the poor and needy not be on the receiving end of it.  And taking care of the poor and needy?  Sure sounds like the Good Lord is a socialist to me.

Woe  Whoa…If I was Govenor Perry, the Newt, or some fat-cat on Wall Street I’d sure be changing my ways before some fire and brimstone gets rained down upon my ass.  Read it for yourself.  It’s the Word of God; I Shiteth  thee not.

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Comments on: "Sodomy and Gomorrah" (21)

  1. Somehow the God of the Bible seems to make lemon-aide with these lemons as one of children born to Lot’s daughter was Moab; the progenitor of the Moabites who later in the Bible gives us Ruth. Ruth it turns out is the great-grandmother of King David, the lineage that Jesus eventually stems from.

    Now is that a twisted tale or what? Christian salvation originated from a line of incestuous Sodomite survivors.

    • Woe brother Woodgate, you is not supposed to think when you read the Bible, just believe. :) Yeah, the “Word of God” is a very interest and convoluted book. And speaking of King David (a man after God’s own heart) I’m working on a re-telling of the story about Uriah the Hittite, and interesting tale about tail.

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      • “Woe brother Woodgate, you is not supposed to think when you read the Bible, just believe”

        I know. I think that is why I found myself in a self-imposed state of being ostracized. 🙂

  2. Hansi,
    You should be talking to some of those Hollywood magnates in your neighborhood about doing a mini-series. Much better than the remake of Dallas they have coming.

    • A re-do of all the classic bible stories could work. In fact I’m workin’ on it now.

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  3. Seems the fundamentalists never read Kings or Samuel. But my point is why do they think the OT is the word of God? We have a lot of history, rules and regulations, wisdom adages, some poems and songs, fortune tellers and some more history. Where’s the word of God? And what kind of god goes around helping the team go around murdering other peoples and nations?

  4. Your exegesis is most interesting, if slightly off kilter. The good news is that even the most rabid homophobes avoid this whole story in their Biblical quest to find God’s imprimatur on their personal icky feeling when it comes to the gay thing. Anyway, it was mostly a lesson in what happens when you don’t extend hospitality (hospitality even among enemies being a necessary thing in the environs of the desert to avoid DEATH), but I digress. A fine if typically “dirty” little post Hansi. lol…What a way to start the new year.

  5. Shiteth thee not? You need to write your own Bible story after that! LoL!!

    Men folk these days like “knowing” women and men. Those be the lukewarm suckers, so
    they need to make a decision, I guess. God had to be really pissed off to turn Sarah into that pillar of salt. Metaphor for her being a rock head, maybe? He told her not to look back and look where it got her.

  6. I’m still trying to figure out the last picture.

  7. Good Grief man, I don’t remember that interpretation from Sunday School. Makes me feel kind of…icky….

    • That’s the interpretation when ya went to Sunday afternoon school at the local pub.

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  8. Where to start? 🙂 Some classic Hansisms here, but I think “putting the ham” tops em all.

  9. 1) This is the only time I have ever read “Sodomy is also a cool word.”

    2) Why aren’t you teaching at a seminary?

    • 1) You must be traveling in the wrong circles. 2) Most churches are into saving lost souls, not loosing them 🙂

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  10. I like it! But I cannot get past the “Penal Code” thing….LOL

  11. “Welcome to Sodom. It’s time to get Sodomized.”
    ;D

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