mind expanding nonsense

Visions of Sugarplums

Visions of sugar-plums are dancing in my head. And this year I think I got it bad. Of course, I was much more afflicted as a youth, when little Hansi would secretly peal away loose ends of wrapped gifts to see what might lay therein; boy was there hell to pay if I didn’t get what I wanted.  Christmas is the strangest time of the whole year. It happens around the time of the winter solstice; the time when the sun hits its lowest point, rests there for three days and then starts it’s wintry return from the grave. Hey! That sounds like someone I know…. but I can’t think of His name. Now the sun really doesn’t move lower, this whole thing has to do more with rotation and axis of the earth in her orbit around the sun. But seeing that I am the center of my universe, I prefer that the sun rotate around me and not visa-verse.

Anyway this whole solstice thing has morphed into something totally different from its original meaning. Gone are the days when a bunch of ignorant savages would light logs on fire and cut down fur fir trees, decorate them with lights and fertility symbols, with the hopes that this would appease the Sun-god, and hastening his return by tempting him with all these bright shinny objects. Well he fell for it every time (we guys still fall for that trashy look), cause sure as clock-work, he came back year after year. Why mess with success.

Now it’s Santa Claus, and where did he come from? Aside from living at the North Pole, I don’t see any way he could effect the sun to return. Actually Santa started as Saint Nicolas, a guy in Germany who gave away stuff to people, but also kept tabs on em too . Kinda like when I was a Probation Officer, except the only thing I gave my clients was thirty days in jail.  The American Santa doesn’t care so much about your behavior, except when it comes to spending money. You may want a White Christmas, but Santa wants a Black Friday even more. So Santa is filling us all with visions of sugar-plums, tempting us with bright shinny objects, hoping we’ll return to his outlet stores and keep the economy from falling off the edge of the earth. Boy, things sure got switched around. And just as we used to trick the sun into returning, sure as shit, Santa keeps tricking us year after year.

Well, its off to WalMart for me.  Gotta load up on gifts to make everyone happy.  And what better place to shop than America’s favorite store.  I think I better load up on some visions of sugarplums before I go.  It’ll be more tolerable that way


Comments on: "Visions of Sugarplums" (20)

  1. Hansi,
    Spend your money on cheap Chinese goods at Walmart. It’s the American thing to do. Just do it before Sunday. Even evil Walmart respects Christmas. They won;t be open Christmas Day.

  2. I dunno. I am singularly unimpressed with the common-ons to buy. One more jewelry holiday (valentines) and we are done with Jared for another year. Hurrah! And boy am I sick of people not dressed properly for winter throwing fake snow balls at each other, laughing and giggling as they enjoy their new Target scarves. Nope, doesn’t get to me at all. Except for books. I am a sucker for books, but they dont’ advertise them much.

    • Now a days, if I can’t consume it i don’t want it. That means, if ya wanna get that perfect gift for me, make it a nice chardonnay or some high cocoa content dark chocolate. MMMMM


  3. I thought we went to Wal Mart to commemorate a virgin birth!

    • Actually going to our local WalMart is like going to a third world country. And sometimes the place even looks like a stable.


  4. Happy shopping and Merry Christmas!

  5. walmart will lead to the complete ruination of america, while the cliched santa is a creation of coco-cola .. rest easy in your winter wonderland mr hansi and enjoy the season 🙂

  6. You probably had so much shopping fun, you are ready to expand your gift list just so you can return. … and thanks for your patience as I deal with my work treadmill and holiday demands.

  7. Snoring Dog Studio said:

    Frankly, I hope 160 million Americans who will see their FICA tax increased stay away from the stores in protest. I’m going to be making my own Christmas gifts for a long time.

    Are those sugar plum babes?

  8. There is Norse saga that witch of north steals the sun and the culture’s hero must battle her to get it back. Explains 6 mos light/ 6 mos dark.

  9. Happy Christmas, Hansi and all. Wishing you a cosy time in the dark with your chardonnay and chocolate and sugar plum women xx

  10. One of our main supermarket chains – ASDA (owned by Walmart) are talking about opening on Christmas Day from next year. Now I am no fan of Christmas but that’s just pure greed.

    Who the f… wants to shop on Christmas Day?

    Anyway Hansi, all the best to you and yours for the coming year.


  11. Visions of Sugar Plums? Well, you are what you smoke is what I say!
    // Gone are the days when a bunch of ignorant savages would light logs on fire…..etc// Nope, they are not gone…. we do that still in Wisconsin

    • Just got to love them Scandinavian/Northern European traditions. They just don’t translate as well down here in Southern California…Oof-duh.


  12. Merry Christmas Hanzi … and I have presents under the tree for you … and your readers are welcome too.


  13. Merry Christmas! I hope you have a wonderful holiday season!

    And thanks so much for your fun contribution to last week’s Limerick-Off!

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