mind expanding nonsense

DISCLAIMER:  At the insistence of my Wife, I am forced to confess that the following story is sheer fantasy.  It never happened.  But could have.

Back in the day when I was in my prime and fightin’ crime, long before the era of cell phones, having a pager assigned to you in the Probation Dept. was quite the thing. It carried with it an aura of  status and importance, as only a select few were issued these devices. I viewed them, correctly, as just another form of electronic monitoring. My opinions were later vindicated, as every homeboy drug dealer and crack-whore client of mine was soon wearing a “beeper”. Now its cell phones, and every goddamned idiot in the world has one.

Anyway, I was eventually given one, the status symbal having long since evaporated, and told to wear it while out of the office or when conducting jail interviews. I took the device home that evening to show off my new status ( now right up there with the crack-whores and drug dealers), which duly impressed my wife; especially the pulse feature.

The next morning, after a particularly zesty session of ‘quality time’ the night before, Wifey has still feelin’ a little frisky, and suggested that at some point in the morning I set the pager on pulse, place it in my jockey shorts, and that she’d give me a little ‘ring’. Her way of saying “I’m thinking about you”. Well, how could I pass that up?..

So its off to work I go. The day started as usual with three reports and jail interviews to do. I slipped the pager down my shorts and went about my day, forgetting all about the whole matter as time wore on. Then the trouble began. During the middle of my last jail interview, Wifey decided to say hello. It was kinda kinky I know, but pleasant none the less. The problem was, the pulse feature didn’t stop. The more the pager pulsated, the more aroused I became, and what could I do? I was stuck interviewing some fool on a stool and couldn’t very well unzip my pants and reach down into my crotch to turn off a pager. It didn’t let up. I didn’t want it to let up. I couldn’t concentrate. I lost my focus, or should I say my focus was rapidly shifting. The inmate on the other side of the glass was wondering what was going on, while I was revisiting the night before. It was when I asked the client about his drug history that I lost it: “Mr. Hernandez, how long have you been using hh…hh…hH..HH…HHHH….HHHeeeerroin?” whereupon I jettisoned a wad of ‘boys’ right into the pager which subsequently shorted out and began beeping loudly. With an expression on my face somewhere between euphoria and panic, I hastily ended the interview, wishing I had a cigarette, and exited the holding cell area as fast as I could, causing all the deputies down there to wonder what the hell was going on. Embarrassing as that was, my folly was only surpassed by the lame explanation I had to make up for my Supervisor as to how and why the pager malfunctioned and became sodden with a goo that was now turning crusty. “The battery blew up on me Boss”. He didn’t buy it. I wonder if the stain on my pants had something to do with it?

Although never really accused of any wrong doing, I was subsequently banned forever from wearing a pager at work.


Comments on: "The Story About Why I Was Banned From Using A Pager At Work" (23)

  1. It’s a good thing that story is made up, Hansi. Were it real you’d be spending your retirement as a WalMart greeter. Any guy who got off with so little stimulation and so quickly surely would have had the wife leave him for the pool boy, taking his retirement fund with her.

  2. Wow Hansi, you sure have some imagination!


  3. Great story. Don’t blame your wife for wanting a disclaimer.

  4. So what part is made up? The part about your wife buzzing you?

  5. Lord, I should be reading such trash. I’ll be sure to save it for my hubby. This is right up his, errr…well never mind.

  6. Snoring Dog Studio said:

    Love the artwork! That’s all I’ve got…

  7. Good thing they didn’t give you a taser!

    But on the subject of embarrassing beeper stories, I heard this from an emergency room nurse. She said they had a guy who did the same thing but not just in his shorts, if you get my meaning. He came to the ER because he couldn’t get it out. They had to wait until the battery died before they could surgically remove it.

  8. I have heard cell phone stories about having them stuck as well. My problem with Hansi’s story here, is that there is just a bit too much detail. He is either a master storyteller, has very vivid fantasies where he is so controlling that every single detail is included, or the story is true and the disclaimer is to throw is off the track. I suspect the latter myself and until convinced otherwise, I will continue to think so.
    Still waiting for that guest post Hansi….:)

  9. You better not carry a pen either. They use them to make erotic pics and stories.

  10. First-time visitor and I get a supposedly made up story about a guy with a buzzer in his crotch. Yep .. may it is a true story that the Mrs. wants to deny … thus the disclaimer. Nonetheless, a good chuckle for my morning.

  11. absolutely wonderful, you can now buy an app for that, its self cleaning and guilt free 🙂

  12. Look out blogosphere, Hansi’s starting to make them up. Fasten your seatbelts …

  13. Great post! Maybe I will share my bic lighter fiasco sometime…..

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