mind expanding nonsense

Adam and Steve

The best argument I’ve ever heard against gay marriage is: “God created Adam and Eve, NOT Adam and Steve”. Well that’s pretty hard to argue with, but it got me to thinking a bit about this whole subject. And here’s some of my thoughts:

How in the world did God even come up with the notion of  Woaman Woman? It’s quite obvious that God is a man, or at least that’s what all his pictures indicate He is, cause if He wasn’t a man, God would be a Goddess and not a god.  But since he’s not a goddess, but God, then he has to be a man or else he’d be a goddess.  And if you are a fan of Pauline theology, and believe that God’s plan of creation was nothing more than a scheme to give His son Jesus (who was up there with him) something to do, then ya got to believe the godhead was just two guys. So the logical thought would be, when replicating your already perfect self, you don’t mess with success, and create well men in you own image. All the angels were men to: Michael, Gabriel and Lucifer (he was a bad man, but second in command..under Jesus of course), so this whole notion of beings without penises was really thinking outside the box.

So maybe God did create Adam and Steve, but had to go back to the old cosmic drawing board to do a little “re-tooling” cause the procreation and fruitfully multiplying thing wasn’t working out so well. There was nothing Adam and Steve could adopt, cause all the animals were either food or pets, and they were the only two guys on earth.

My conservative friends are probably thinking: “Hansi, you’re full of shit and have been dipping into the medicine jar again.” Well, perhaps. And I’d have to plead no contest on both counts. And, you can also call me and old hippie who’s in favor of socializing everything from senior citizen’s health care to their retirement programs, but here’s another brilliant thought.   I call it The Ultimate Argument For Gay Marriage. The logic may be a bit convoluted, but nonetheless irrefutable .

First of all, there’s nothing really sacred about marriage. If you need a license from the state to enter it, and an order from a judge to end it; well marriage is little more than like owning a dog. In fact it’s basically a revenue scheme for government. And once again they get to sell us a shoddy product with a 50% return rate. Secondly, if you’re a true homophobe (which I’m not), and really hate them homos , then you Want them to marry!! Yup. Let every last one of them walk down that aisle of doom. It’s a statistical fact the every other marriage fails. Why should us straights enjoy all the ‘benefits’ of marriage: nasty divorces, years of child support, financial ruin, alimony, and leave the gays out of all this sacred fun. No sir! You want theirs asses hurtin’ (not from you-know-what) right along with us. Eating dung, like half of us are; and sometimes, not getting enough the first time out, go back for seconds, thirds, and even four helpings before we finally get the message. With all us straights bailing’ on marriage; we want them gays suffering right along side of us…… but not too close.

But wait!  It gets even better.  Once gays start marrying, it’s just a matter of time before half of them start getting divorced. After a particularly nasty one, they too will start hating their Ex’s just like we straights.  So, and here’s the bonus, you’ll have gays hating other gays.  And if gays start to hating other gays, then they’re half way back to heterosexuality, and all it would take to reel em back in is some good old fashioned prayer.  It worked for me!  Although it happened in catechism class when I was twelve years old and still pretty clueless about sex.  But boy wow am I sure glad it worked.

Now how can you argue with that?

Well, you know where I’ll be spending eternity for this little ditty. So if I see ya down there in the afterlife, I’ll be the old guy sitting in the front row.


Comments on: "Adam and Steve" (20)

  1. Snoring Dog Studio said:

    I can’t argue with it – and the important points come through even with the great satire here. But really, it isn’t about spoiling and demeaning this sacred institution that frightens homophobes. They don’t want gays doing anything they’re allowed to do, because, really, they just want them all to go away, or die, or magically revert back to heterosexuality and then convert to their religion so that more money can fill their collection baskets.

  2. Hansi, it amazes me how you keep dreaming up these posts, but keep it up (that’s the posts) and I will see you down below.
    PS I will be running the bar, the first ones on me.


  3. Hi Hansi,
    I loved your post. I really had to laugh because here in OZ we are about to have this very debate. At the moment we have a minority Government, and the Greens are part of it.
    They want this debate about gay marriage, the leader of the Green Party is gay, so I loved your point, and especially liked the way your worded your post. 🙂

  4. I am in a very plastic relationship. Looks like it will take two more years to pay off and divorce this last credit card.

    • A relationship with a financial institution is a hard one to break. Hang in there and good riddance to the credit card and any ill memories it may hold

  5. Hansi,

    I have no problem with gays, but you right! I never looked at it that way. They don’t deserve preferential treatment. If the option of marriage is forced upon the heteros, it should also be forced upon the homos.

    Why should only I have to deal with this legal entanglement? It is not right! I am married now, but if anything ever changed that, God forbid, I may convert to homosexuality just for the perk.

    I used to hate kale, but I learned that it was good for me and so I kept trying it. Now I like kale. Why should sexual orientation be any different?

  6. So was it Adam or Steve who was the first transsexual?

  7. Hansi…..good post….and I shall buy the second round…it seem sI was recently told that I shall go to Hell for my statement on the Indiana Far thing…..my point was that if God hates stuff and sends hurricanes and floods and tsunamis and the like to voice his disapproval…then Indiana thing was that he hates Country music…Indiana was a tragedy, but more so than other disasters that are God’s message….anyway I was not a popular puppy …..oh well I will get over it and will be in good company in the afterlife….

    • I could see how ya might catch some Hell for that one. God may not like country music, but you can sure tell that Jesus certainly does. Down in Hell, I think the Blues and Heavy Metal is popular. Anyway, all the good musicians are there.

  8. Hansi,
    Following your argument, God slipped up. Since he managed to have a son without the assistance of a Goddess. What was he smoking when he decided that Adam needed Eve – or even Steve. If being a hermaphrodite was good enough for God, why make men more complicated, particularly seeing the evil nature that women seem to possess. If men were made in God’s image, Adam should have been enough.

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