mind expanding nonsense

My Creation Myth

I heard this story on National Public Radio the other day about how four out of 10 Americans believe the creation myth in Genesis is literally true. However, the story pointed out, some conservative Christian scholars are saying publicly that they can no longer believe the Genesis account. Asked how likely it is that we all descended from Adam and Eve, Dennis Venema, a biologist at Trinity Western University, replied: “That would be against all the genomic evidence that we’ve assembled over the last 20 years, so not likely at all.” Venema says there is no way we can be traced back to a single couple. He says with the mapping of the human genome, it’s clear that modern humans emerged from other primates as a large population — long before the Genesis time frame of a few thousand years ago. And given the genetic variation of people today, he says scientists can’t get that population size below 10,000 people at any time in our evolutionary history.

Well I don’t know about you, but the thought of having evolved from a bunch of immoral fornicating monkeys is an insult to my intelligence.  And, doesn’t explain very well why the world is like it is.  If you read between the lines of Genesis a little bit, and extrapolate in a true hallucinatory manner; maybe this will explain everything:

I think we are all familiar with the creation story in Genesis, (or at least should be if you went to Sunday School as you were supposed to), and how God created the world in six days. But it was the second week after creation when things started to get interesting and go a foul.

In six days God made everything from dry land, to the fish in the seas, to the animals, whose job it was to be fruitful and multiply. The last thing God made was man, after which he had to take a break and rested on the seventh day.

On day eight, God brought the animals before Adam for him to name. Well, everything that was created on the sixth day along with Adam, had a day to get their land legs, were well rested, and now took to obeying God in earnest by getting fruitful and start multiplying. The world turned into sheer copulation chaos. Having a days jump on everyone else, the oceans were already a boil with passion. The air reeked of pollen, musk and pheromones; suffering from a global case of stink-finger. Everything on land was now busy screwing its brains out, and was filled with Holy Heat (no wonder they called it Paradise).

Everything was busy doin’ it except Adam. [One had to wonder if Adam named the animals, “fucking cattle”, “fucking lions” or “fucking elephants”, because he was pissed about being left out of all the fun; or, was he just describing what he was seeing going on all around him?] Well God felt sorry for Adam, and while he slept, created a woman out of one of his ribs: Eve. So what is the first thing Adam does after seeing Eve? Yep,. He jumps her bones. With everything else around him balling their socks off, Old Adam must have felt really horny despite only being two days old.

Now, the real historical moment. What does Eve do next? Eat the apple. Nope, that happens a few days latter; old Eve gets to thinking. “Now that wasn’t too bad, a little messy, somewhat enjoyable. But….I still feel a little …unsatisfied.”  So when Adam is asleep (the time when all sorts of weird shit happens on newly created planet earth), a brain-storm occurs to Eve and she really starts to thinking. “If god made me out of clay and part of Adam’s rib, why don’t I fashion something similarly rib shaped, and then I’ll never be unsatisfied again!” Bingo….the first dildo was born.

Seeing how creative and cunning Eve was, put ideas into the Serpent’s mind, who was standing around watching all this madness. [That was before God took away his limbs, and not specifically mentioned in scripture, his penis too.] “If Eve would fall for a fake phallus, just think of what she’d do for a bite from the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil.” And you know the rest of the story; it’s been downhill ever since.

Well that sure provides a better explanation about our present state of affairs to me.  The moral of the story: Guys..don’t get discouraged when the woman in your life gets on your case and wants to change you into a better man. That’s just the old Mother Eve Genes kicking in. God created you as a finished product, Not a proto-type, that can be “monkeyed” with, via constant improvement.

“My gawd Hansi; Is that all you think about is sex?”  No….I sometimes think about eating and taking naps too.  But I just can’t help it.  I came from a group of northern European monkeys, who when not eating bananas in the Black Forest, where busy laying around and fornicating all day.  [That was before they invented beer, after which they got fat and didn’t care anymore.]  So that’s why my pretend version of creation is by far more satisfying than a bunch of monkey business.

Comments on: "My Creation Myth" (23)

  1. Even the ancient Hebrews knew the earth was more than 6,000 years old. Their race may be that old starting with Abraham but they certainly knew that Egyptian and Mesopotamian cultures predated them by thousands of years. The creation story was celebrated more as a song or poetry of their beginnings as God’s chosen(alleged) people not of the earth.

    • I’m with ya on that one Carl. The creation story was meant to be more metaphorical than literal. And gave me a little chance to be metaphorically mischievous.

  2. God put that genome in there to test our faith, like Dinosaur bones.

  3. Why that is just plain irreverent, blasphemous and you are going straight to hell! Thanks for bringing a smile at last to my face.

  4. 😆 Thank you, Mother Eve, for the very first King Kong Dong.

    Seriously, though I would love to see that sketch as a painting. Very nice!

  5. Four out of ten? And they vote?

  6. ok – so stinky finger has to be the best reason for the creation belief .. wow, if i’d have thought of things this way i might not be an atheist .. 🙂

  7. Your sister Heidi said:

    Hansi, you know that, before God sent Adam and Eve out of the Garden of Eden, He wanted to give them two gifts for their journey. Adam, after God told them of this, asked what the two gifts were. God said, “The first gift is the ability to pee while standing.” Adam was so thrilled and said, “I want that one.” He was given the gift and Adam ran off to try it out. Eve, left alone with God, quietly asked Him what the second gift was. God answered, “The ability of having multiple orgasm!”

    • Multiple orgasms are probably OK, but when you’re out in the woods or on a long hike, being able to pee standing up has its own advantages. Oh yeah. Men can have multiple orgasms too; they just need multiple women to do so 🙂

  8. Snoring Dog Studio said:

    I’m with Spinny – turn that sketch into a painting – it rocks!

    • Thanks but the sketch is not an original. I drew it but, after a lithograph by an old french artist by the name of Erte. His work is incredible, and when I was on my “improve my draftsmanship thing” I got a book out of the Library about him and his work. He’s well worth Google-ing.

  9. Hansi, aren’t we still a bunch of fornicating monkeys?


  10. Hansi,
    I guess nobody will test your intelligence after this.

  11. I hate to nitpick, but …

    In six days God made everything from dry land, to the fish in the seas, to the animals, whose job it was to be fruitful and multiply. The last thing God made was man, after which he had to take a break and rested on the seventh day.

    Well, actually, God made most of the animals from the sea. And weather man was created first or the other animals depends on whether you are reading chapter one or chapter two of genesis.

    . Everything on land was now busy screwing its brains out, and was filled with Holy Heat (no wonder they called it Paradise). They were supposed to multiply (which I guess is your point).

    OK, overall that was very entertaining. I wrote a similar analysis. Your story could have been its continuation. Mine was a humorous analysis of the creation story, Genesis chapters 1 & 2. It was not funny because I am so clever. It was funny because the real story is oddly contradictory and illogical, even for a God. Oh, and though I was highly amused, it turns out, it was “not funny” and was “too long” and was “upsetting.”

    So I guess what I am trying to say is, good story. I have never written anything remotely like it, but I did try, once upon a time, right before everyone got mad.

    • Thanks for stopping by.  I don’t mind the ‘nitpicking’.  This was a humor piece so I took a lot of liberties to make a humorous point.  I checked out your reference post.  Good one. Also checked out today’s post by you.  You’ll love my post for today; or maybe not 🙂

  12. LOL! This could be my husband:
    “My gawd Hansi; Is that all you think about is sex?” No….I sometimes think about eating and taking naps too.

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