mind expanding nonsense


Buried in my archives is a piece I did last year when that season of Dancing With The Stars was red hot with controversy. You had a no-talent Palin daughter making it to the finals, based not on ability, but on Mama Sarah’s Twitter appeal. Well this season is not so contentious, and is even a little lackluster, featuring football players, pro wrestlers, rappers,  Disney stars and The Karate Kid in the competition.

It got me to thinking, again, and focusing on what’s red hot, drew me back to my original thesis: This show would be soooo much more interesting, if, instead of featuring ballroom dancing it featured…you know…fornicating.  Hence, Fornicating With The Stars.   Come on now, you’ve probably had the same thought yourself….Pervert!

If ya watch the show, which is probably a BBC spin-off, you can’t help but notice how all these dance partners are hanging all over each other, and lavishing each other with affection, and even kisses.  And their dance numbers, they’re pretty suggestive as far as I can tell.

My favorite is sixty year old Kristi Alley. She used to be a real fox. Sadly, now she’s more of an Ox. But she has a lusty appeal, and even makes that Russian bear Maks Smirnoff blush at times. Maybe it’s just me, but my mind sometimes wanders during their performances.

So, in the spirit of letting ones imagination run wild, why not have a show that featured not ballroom dancing, but the big nasty.  The Stars could be paired with all the top porn stars, and judged based on such things as stamina, how well the scream, and the number of times they say, “I want it”; all while moving through the usual positions one might view in a porn movie. Could be interesting don’t ya think.  May have to be edited for T V.

So, in order that you too can participate in this rich fantasy, I’ve placed a chart below, which could illustrate some of the “footwork” involved… I’ll let you fill in the blanks.

Lastly, I’d like to conduct a little poll. Not as in pole dancing, which could be incorporated into some of the routines, but more of a questionnaire.   Sorry if my Word Press skills are lacking a bit, but you can always leave a comment.

Is my stuff too raunchy?

Just raunchy enough, don’t change a thing?

You’re a disgusting pig, but I just subscribed.

Or,  Not at all; why are you holding back?


Comments on: "More Fornicating With The Stars" (19)

  1. Hansi,
    Are you sure that you’re not a TV producer pretending to be an over the hill probation officer? You certainly have your finger on the pulse (euphemistically speaking) of America.

    • I would like to believe I’m fondling the pulse of America. A speaking of pulses, that version of DWTS would certainly increase a lot of our pulse rates.

  2. That’s not what he has his finger on Ralph 😉

  3. As far as the poll, I would say “C”

    Down here we had our own version of Dancing with the Stars which used local talent and politicians. It was cancelled after the 2009 season and the official reason was “the economic climate.” Aside from that not making any sense, conventional wisdoms says that the real reason is that we ran out of stars.

    • I can see you running out of Stars, but Politicians? I know new Zealand is a small country (been there and loved it); certainly, like the States, you have persons ever ready to make fools of themselves in front of an audience. Thanks for partaking in the poll…oink oink.

  4. I think you didn’t go far enough. Considering shows like Bridoplasty and Fear Factor the next big thing will be even raunchier. I was doing some market research a couple years ago (aka watching Clerks 2 in theaters). In the jail scene, which occurs after the interrupted donkey show, the performer of inter-species erotica announces that he, “misses his donkey.” Upon hearing that phrase, every female in the audience uttered, “Awwwwwwww.” Yes, the universal vagina owners’ expression for anything cute or adorable. The world is ready for homosexual, inter-species erotica. So move over “Fucking with the Starts” and brace yourself for a new season of “The Bachelor: So you think you can handle a donkey”

  5. Are you too raunchy? Tell me Hansi…do you care if people think you are too raunchy or not? =) At your age, is changing to appeal to the masses something that is important to you? *snort*

    BTW…you might consider stopping by my little corner of the blogosphere…I have a present waiting for you! =) *evil grin*

    • Well I guess I’m not too raunchy, but just perfect the way I am. I took a little peek in your corner (no innuendos intended) and thanks! That’s the best infection I’ve had in a long time 🙂 EVERYBODY…CHECK OUT JEWELS BLOG….THAT’S AN ORDER

      • HA! Well since the idiots over at blogger have apparently all gone on one singular acid trip and broke the site…no one will be able to come visit me until they get their heads out of their collective asses! *rolls eyes*

        Anywho…I’ve spread responsibly and with love! =) Enjoy and feel free to spread lavishly and at will! =) xo

  6. Haha!!
    You know, I have a theory. The way someone dances kind of dictates how they’d be in bed.

    If they’ve got two left feet, they’ll probably be clumsy in the bedroom.

    Although if they constantly step on your feet, because they are too large to manouvre on the dance floor – he’s probably a keeper.

    You know what they say about big feet and all….

    • The flaw in your theory is that it’s not footwork per say that counts in the bedroom, but more so pelvic action. Now granted, correct footwork will get ya into the bedroom, but once there, I’ve found my back to be the major factor in coming out on top in the competition. 🙂

  7. excellent, i thought it was that already .. and the addition of a lubed up naked twister, just tops it off .. gives “thanks for coming” a whole new meaning .. 😉

  8. I’m always amazed by your imagination!

  9. Hansi, my votes a D.


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