mind expanding nonsense

The House of Pain

The House of Pain strikes fear in my heart, as it should yours if you are one of the animals reading my blog.

The  “House of Pain” was in the classic 1933 movie “Island of Lost Souls” which was based on H G Wells’ story, “The Island of Dr Moreau”.  This version featured Charles Laughton as a mad scientist who was busily changing animals into humanoid creatures. This painful transformation took place in his laboratory called the “House of Pain”, which all the creatures feared, and were threatened with, for not walking upright, or eating flesh (a big no no on that lonely isle). Their response was “Are we not Men?”….No they were Devo.

Well this isn’t so much about that great flick. It’s about going back to WORK; excuse me for using a ‘four lettered word’ in mixed company. When I was fighting crime as a Probation Officer, back in the Golden Age of Corrections, me and my PO buddies would call the Probation agency “The House of Pain”. Not so much for what we inflicted on our clients, but for the fact that we hated it, felt our supervisors were narrow minded ass-covering dumb-shits, and the administration (Admin), full of shit. And like all good, barely humanoid creatures, we’d much rather prefer a leisurely life filled with eating, gossip and fornication, over a life of drudgery, cause that’s the way we were treated.

Well I hung in there for 30 years ( thirty god-damned, miserable, mind numbing, sucking the life out of you years). Good thing I survived intact and am now enjoying the creature comforts of retirement, however lacking in fornication it may now be.

Actually, I retired seven years ago, but after six months of retirement, went back to work for Probation as an extra-help DPO. I worked in our local juvenile facility (prison for kids) as a Corrections Officer. Kinda like in all those Prison shows like “Lock-up Raw”; except this was more like ‘lock-up medium rare’. I actually liked it. What a testosterone laden environment. And speaking of jiss levels, I got to work, and bullshit with guys half my age and break up fights, by spraying combative homeboys in the face with pepper spray…OC. What a contact high that was for old Hansi’s ancient ass.

Well, that got old, especially after I had to break up a fight between two ninety pound pre-pubescent 12 year old boys in a quad classroom. The fight wasn’t bad, almost a joke.  What was bad, was getting down on my arthritic knees and trying to handcuff these little turds, while my legs were cramping up on me, and then getting up again. That’s when I figured “I’m too old for this shit”. So I then worked for my old boss on a bank DUI (drunk driver) caseload, doing mindless paper work. That was more estrogen laden.

Well, all us retired guys who were working extra help, finally got weaned from the County tit in 2009, when we all got laid off due to the financial crisis. [At least I got layed.] And ‘thank you Jesus’, I was put out of my misery.

BUT… and here’s the scary part. My old boss recently told me they were going to call back retired folks for a limited time only to clean up some of the massive case loads that are barely attended too. The House of Pain!!!!! And would I be interested??

Now I usually don’t share a lot of personal stuff here, except for my hallucinations. And I don’t intend this to be a blog about “My dysfunctional life”.   Nope, my hallucinations are about all the crazy shit that comes to my mind after getting properly medicated.  But, am I out of my frickin’ medicated mind, for even thinking about going back to the House of Pain??

The money could be good, hours that I choose, no actual probation work (screwing with people and threatening them with my own little “Cottage of Pain”).

Well I sent my application in. We’ll see what happens. The best part is: resuming my duties as a crime fighter could provide a mother load of blog material.  Downside is, I can’t tell anyone there about my Blog. If ‘Admin’ read this shit, they’d fire my ass. Hey… that could be ticket out.. Kinda like a get out of jail free card.

There once was a PO named Stover

Who was treated worse than my dog named Rover

Many years did pass

Of taking it in the ass

So he changed his name to Ben Dover.

Comments on: "The House of Pain" (16)

  1. I look forward to your PO blog posts if you return to The House of Pain.

    Ben Dover is the name of a UK porn star, not that I’ve seen any you understand.

    Pornless, Ashton-under-Lyne, UK

    • Going back to work for ones former employer is a bit frightful after two full years of glorious retirement. But thanks for the encouragement for future PO posts. I know its a bit sick, but going back to fighting crime, and then blogging about it to the whole world ( or at least to the 5 people that follow me) would be a sweet form of revenge. I’ll do it!!

  2. Hansi,
    Returning to crime fighting even in the back room shoule provide even more stimulating hallucinations and put your long years of crimefighting experience back on the side of the Angels.
    BTW we call the garage of our personal trainer, Chad’s House of Pain.

  3. Forgive me for laughing at your description of the House of Pain! I think you should go back if only to get more material to write about!

    PS Great limerick!

    • Glad you found it humorous. The only reason for a return to the House of Pain, besides being a glutton for punishment [no good deed goes unpunished], would be to accumulate blog fodder. It’s a high risk relationship, and I’d probably need a full body condom to survive. P.S. thanks for subscribing

  4. Dan d Man said:

    Are you fucking insane for even considering the miserable hours you’d spend with the dregs of society by going back to the House of Pain? Even the brief boner you’d get from spashing 3 ounces of man dropping pepper spray in some punks eyes would be too far between to make sense of going back. You don’t need the dough either. Plus you’d not have the time to write weird shit like this…

    • Big Dan…Well you’re probably correct, but if properly medicated with some wholesome State of California pain reliever, the House of pain may be quite tolerable, if not down right enjoyable. Something to think about.

  5. ask that the little people do their fighting standing up and then grab them .. good luck and keep us posted 😉

    • I’ll gladly do just that. Seems like everyone wants me to go back to work. Too bad it’s only for their selfish hallucinogenic enjoyment. Having been a good ‘public servant’, I’m more than happy to comply.

  6. Your sister Heidi said:

    Are you serious? Do you really want to do that to yourself?
    Life is wonderful in retirement and you should continue to enjoy it. What does Wifey think about this? Or does she have enough of you being home all day and sees her chance of getting more computer time?
    Besides, if you do go back to crime fighting, can you be medicated enough to handle it without being suspicious?

    • Heidi….I don’t know. And maybe that’s why I put it out their on the blog. It’s only a short term deal, not an ongoing venture like before. Most of my lust crazed readers are anxious for me to return to the House of Pain, but I feel it’s only for their own amusement. Work would be a challenge, and finding that right level of medication critical. But I think I’d be OK, as long as they didn’t give me a key to the evidence locker.

  7. geezerpussrex said:

    As one who knows, and was instrumental in coining the term House of Pain to apply to Probation’s sentencing report writing division, I am mildly saddened by Hansi’s notion of going back there. There was bound to have been someone who rowed back to the Titanic in hope of collecting loose change from the abandoned deck chairs. Bela declared, “What tis the law?! Stand on two feet, don’t eat meat, don’t howl a the moon.” Remember Lot’s wife! There is no there there. Heidi is right!!

    • Thanks for the encouragement, And reminder to stand on my hind legs only. There is really no financial need to go back and scavenge for coins on that sinking ship. It’s just the opportunity for mayhem that is so appealing. I’d really like to give that shredding machine at the House a good workout.

  8. Thought I would comment and say neat theme, did you make it for yourself? It’s really awesome!

    • Hell no I didn’t make it myself. It’s just a basic, freebie, I’m too cheap to self-host, punch-out Blog theme.
      It’s not even “really awesome” Mr foreskin or whatever your name is, it’s frickin’ primitive, surpassed only by my pencil and ink drawings, which serve to illustrate how low in depravity I’ve stooped, replying to your comment.

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