Dear Fannie: We live in a community made up of mostly retired couples who rotate having dinner parties. One of the men in our group seems unable to keep his hands out of the ice bucket. His usual routine is to remove the ice tongs, stir the ice around with his hand, and then lift some into his and his wife’s glass.
We’ve told him that this is unsanitary, but it seems to go over his head. When filling my glass after him, I will often go to the refrigerator to get ice, and he always says, “There’s still ice in the bucket.”
His latest procedure is to announce to the whole room that he washed his hands before coming over. Then he dives into the ice bucket. Are we expecting too much? Two ice buckets; one for him, one for everyone else?
Concerned in Connecticut
My God! How insensitive. What a Coot. Has this man no common decency? Give me a break…..before you go running off to join an insensitivity support group. I’ll tell ya how to handle a piece of work like this old geezer. And it’s not with a lot of enabling bullshit, which the columnist though appropriate: “Fill every one’s glass with ice Before dinner; or put a spoon in the bucket, maybe he has arthritis or something”.
What a load of crap.. What you gotta do is Jump In His Shit! Ream him a new one! I first heard the term “jump in your shit” during Army Basic Training. That was one of the Drill Sargent’s favorite ways of modifying a recruits behavior, because if the recruit didn’t quickly comply, he’d be in “a world of hurt”. Now, I got to admit that there have been times when I wouldn’t have minded if some individual took a head first dive into a pile of my dung; but being in a world of hurt is something no one wants to be in. The one we got is bad enough already.
So Mr Concerned, if you don’t want this guy’s hand in the bucket, you gotta JUMP IN HIS SHIT. I’d slap his hand with the damn tongs and say something like, “What the Hell are you doing?? Get your raggedy-ass hand out the bucket or it might be the one you kick. I know you Washed your hands, but have you washed the stinky ass stuff yo hands been touching? I don’t want no dingle-berries or pubic hairs in MY drink” Get the idea? You really unload on this codger, and give him a piece of your mind. Something that won’t go over his head. You gotta Jump In His Shit.
Now , if “Ice Bucket” is a metaphor for something a little more….personal (like what’s in your pants or senior citizen hanky panky), well then….my reply would be totally different. In fact. What would be totally different is to re-read the original letter, but instead of “Ice Bucket”, you supply your own favorite word for your you know what. Go ahead… It’s not having a dirty mind, it being ‘creative’. No dirty minds = No Limericks
Than a tale bout some dirty old whore.
How she’s nasty and raw
And breaking the law,
And keeps the boys them screamin’ for more.