mind expanding nonsense

Jump In His Shit

Well, I’ve been gleaning the fields of advice columns again, and found this cow-pie; entitled, “Hands out of the bucket”

Dear Fannie: We live in a community made up of mostly retired couples who rotate having dinner parties. One of the men in our group seems unable to keep his hands out of the ice bucket. His usual routine is to remove the ice tongs, stir the ice around with his hand, and then lift some into his and his wife’s glass.

We’ve told him that this is unsanitary, but it seems to go over his head. When filling my glass after him, I will often go to the refrigerator to get ice, and he always says, “There’s still ice in the bucket.”

His latest procedure is to announce to the whole room that he washed his hands before coming over. Then he dives into the ice bucket. Are we expecting too much? Two ice buckets; one for him, one for everyone else?

Concerned in Connecticut

My God! How insensitive. What a Coot. Has this man no common decency? Give me a break…..before you go running off to join an insensitivity support group. I’ll tell ya how to handle a piece of work like this old geezer. And it’s not with a lot of enabling bullshit, which the columnist though appropriate: “Fill every one’s glass with ice Before dinner; or put a spoon in the bucket, maybe he has arthritis or something”.

What a load of crap.. What you gotta do is Jump In His Shit! Ream him a new one! I first heard the term “jump in your shit” during Army Basic Training. That was one of the Drill Sargent’s favorite ways of modifying a recruits behavior, because if the recruit didn’t quickly comply, he’d be in “a world of hurt”. Now, I got to admit that there have been times when I wouldn’t have minded if some individual took a head first dive into a pile of my dung; but being in a world of hurt is something no one wants to be in. The one we got is bad enough already.

So Mr Concerned, if you don’t want this guy’s hand in the bucket, you gotta JUMP IN HIS SHIT. I’d slap his hand with the damn tongs and say something like, “What the Hell are you doing?? Get your raggedy-ass hand out the bucket or it might be the one you kick. I know you Washed your hands, but have you washed the stinky ass stuff yo hands been touching? I don’t want no dingle-berries or pubic hairs in MY drink” Get the idea? You really unload on this codger, and give him a piece of your mind. Something that won’t go over his head. You gotta Jump In His Shit.

Now , if “Ice Bucket” is a metaphor for something a little more….personal (like what’s in your pants or senior citizen hanky panky), well then….my reply would be totally different. In fact. What would be totally different is to re-read the original letter, but instead of “Ice Bucket”, you supply your own favorite word for your you know what. Go ahead… It’s not having a dirty mind, it being ‘creative’. No dirty minds = No Limericks

There’s nothing better that I seem to adore

Than a tale bout some dirty old whore.

How she’s nasty and raw

And breaking the law,

And keeps the boys them screamin’ for more.


Comments on: "Jump In His Shit" (16)

  1. Hansi,
    My approach would be more suble. I’d just have two ice buckets and label one Jim (assuming Jiim is the name of the fece fingered miscreant and the other labeled tongs.
    My drill sergeant never told us to jump in the shit although he did make us crawl through mud. Must be a west coast thing.

  2. Your advice posts break me up Hansi – brilliant.

    Personally I would pour his wine into the ice bucket and watch his reaction. If that failed then I would show him the friggin door, but then again I have never been diplomatic.

    If we are substituting “ice bucket”, well that’s a different matter entirely. I wonder who got my keys.

    Ashton-under-Lyne, UK

    • Bill….I think you got the idea. But I have to question your familiarity with keys and the “ice bucket”. Have you been a bad boy???

  3. The best advice column question I’ve ever read was a woman who was having full blown arguments with her husband over which way the openings of their pillow cases were supposed to point on their bed.

    • Only to be surpassed by which way toilet paper is hung: to roll from on top or underneath. These are big issues!!!

  4. blefawayclica said:

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  5. Why thank you blefawayclica, I have to agree that “Jump In His Shit” was one of my better efforts, and I’m happy as shit that jumping in shit inspired you too. No shit! I mean it. But you’re a little late to the party. This was an early March post, and here it is April 5th already. Hope you’re not so tardy in your business dealings.
    Magnificently Yours, Hansi

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    • Hey it’s cousin Balky. Glad ya liked the post, but frankly, your comment was Greek to me. So i took the liberty of altering your URL to .ruse, as in fake. Thanks for the comment no matter how incomprehensible it may be. Have a nice day in Spam-a-lot.

  7. some genuinely marvelous work on behalf of the owner of this internet site , perfectly outstanding articles .

    • Now, do you ever want to shop at Lowes again after their idiot response to a post called Jump In His Shit?
      Well maybe the plumbing department sent this one [not filthy enough for me though]. What a bunch of dumb shits, thinking that maybe, with this Spam, they could trick someone into going to their site, and subsequently making a major purchase or home upgrade. Well old Hansi edited their URL from .com to .cum, so ya won’t go to Lowes if ya click on it….May end up on a porn site, but that’s way beyond my control.

  8. […] really bizarre part: all this Spam goes to only one of my posts, and I shit you not , it’s “Jump In His Shit”, which was posted March 12th. It was an advice column bit, about an old guy who couldn’t keep […]

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