mind expanding nonsense

Snake Oil


On the Business channel they are always decrying the decline of American industry and how manufacturing is increasingly going overseas. Well if ya get up early (before 5 am.) and watch cable TV, you’ll find one industry that’s alive and well: Snake Oil.

Aside from the usual pitches being made for the latest vacuum cleaner or cooking appliance, there’s some real gems (and I’m not talking gem-stones) out there that are so outlandish as to even make ol’ Hansi scratch his head with incredulity. You don’t even have to be properly medicated to wonder about some of this stuff.

There are scores of exercise machines just to work your abs. Why do those old difficult sit-ups, when for just $39.99, you can get this cruncher that seems to make it effortless. Old Jack LaLane (remember him?) is even out there hyping a juicer with his wife. He’s wearing the same jump-suit he did in the 50’s.

One of my favorites was this preacher who went by Bishop Something-or-Another. Now this guy was dressed up like a catholic priest, with clerical collar, but looked like he had recently be released from maximum security. He wanted to send you your own “Personal Prophecy” if only you’d call his 800 number. Not only did he have individual prophecies for you, but …. “No Evil Oil”. And that’s No Shit!…It was probably back there with the Black Cat Bones and Goofy Dust, next to the Gris-Gris.

I also liked the “No No” which was a magical shaving device, small and convenient, that removes female mustaches and keeps that bikini line in check. They never actually explained how this thing worked, but the testimonials confirmed its painless methodology. It was economical too, saving you thousands of dollars a year in waxing fees alone…….Damn those monthly waxing fees !

By far my favorite was the spot for a Magic Pill (not ExtenZe) that would enlarge your penis. I was assured of my inadequacy as a man by a series of twenty year old little trollops who, without hesitation, insisted that size was the only thing that mattered to them and that many a relationship was terminated and their man thrown back in, when found to have been under-sized. What these future welfare mothers didn’t know was: what truly matters to a woman is not how long the dong , but the wallop in his wallet. It got even better when this porn-star posing as a doctor (of what I can only guess) started her spiel. This chick’s blouse was buttoned just above her navel, with skirt riding high on her thighs; [you just know she wasn’t wearing any under garments]. Good thing I was too busy looking at her boobs or I would have rushed to the phone and placed my order immeidiately. 60 day money back guarantee? Hmmm.

Now here’s the part where the oil gets snakier. A little research revealed that not only did these ”Extenders” not work, and that over 90% of men were within the ‘average size category, but by placing a credit card order, you were agreeing to a payment plan which featured hidden multiple monthly charges that would go on forever. No wonder they advertise a 60 day money back guarantee; they ain’t gonna be around after 60 days.

Don’t ya just love American Capitalism? Let the buyer beware.

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Comments on: "Snake Oil" (13)

  1. I am the proud owner of the Chuck Norris Total Gym 3000! Seen on TV and bought instantly…

    • Way to go Knut. Nothing like a little impulse buying to brighten up the day. Now all ya gotta do is use it!

      • But there’s the problem: Like this oil won’t help anyone’s snake, I could never be like Chuck Norris, no matter how much I’d train for it. The Total Gym is now collecting dust for almost 10 years and my roundhouse kicks still suck…

  2. Hansi,
    I knew that there was this secret world out there where creative entrepreneurs provide the solutions to today’s vexing problems. I just never figured out how to find it. As I result, most of my life, I have been unable to measure up. Thankfully in the nick of time, you have given me the secret. I have to get up early. My troubles are over.

  3. But Knut, you are missing the point. Nobody can be Chuck Norris, perhaps not even Chuck himself. Your mission is to be an awesome Knut and given the paucity of Knuts, at least in my neighborhood, it won’t take much.

  4. I musta lead a lucky life…the wimmin that have been it at various times have all had the attitude that “…it ain’t the size of the tool that matters, it’s the skill of the mechanic.”, and I’m ASE certified.

  5. Your sister Heidi said:

    Gee wizz Hansi, why are all men so concerned about their length or the lack of it? We women really don’t care that much about it when you consider, after 9 months, what comes out and is 21 inches long, has a circumference of 13.7 inches and weighs 8 1/2 pounds! Try to get THAT in your trousers!!!

    • We are concerned because that’s important stuff; if you’d ever been in a male locker room you’d know. And thankfully those 8 1/2 lb bombers come out of you guys instead of us. If men had to bear children, the human race would have died out years ago.

  6. If men had babies all births would be by C-section.

  7. Funny post, Hansi.

    There’s a reason that run those sleazy infomercials during the wee hours. They hope to catch people half asleep apparently. 🙂

    The only thing legit on there are the ones for the Government FREE money. LOL
    See me for the bridge I’m selling in New York if you buy that one. 🙂

    It’s really a shame that all of that crap gets airtime, but they get it for a reason. Somebody is actually buying that stuff, sadly.

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