If you’ve been watching Dances With The Stars lately you know it’s been a controversial season. The no-talent “Teen Activist” daughter of a former Alaskan Governor made it into the top three. With an east coast grease-ball called “The Situation” beating out better contestants until he was finally bounced. Why they have star status is beyond me. What the hell is a teen activist? And why does that make you a “Star”. I guess it’s because she’s the poster child for Abstinence ( after having a child out of wed lock). Kinda like me going on a crusade against homicide after killing a dozen people. Oh well. I hope the results are a metaphor for the state of America and the Tea Party in particular: mediocrity and lack of substance can cause a big sensation, but in the end is only rewarded by 3rd place at best. Enough for the ranting and on to the good stuff.
DWTS was such a big hit this year that it was immediately followed by the spin-off Skating With The Stars. An exact formate copy of it’s predecessor, down to English announcer, except instead of a ball room it’s in an ice rink. Boy, that was a stretch.
What’s next? Well I think I know: Fornicating With The Stars. Really a no-brainer if you think about it. But I can’t take all the credit for this idea. For thousands of my middle aged brethren probably came to the same conclusion after watching that young 50 year old hottie Jennifer Gray go through her routines. That girl can still dance dirty and certainly Paso’d my Doble. And like Skating With The Stars, I wouldn’t change a thing. Just the routines would be slightly different. You could have famous porn stars like Jenna Jamison be one the judges (gotta watch how you use those number paddles), and a stable of San Fernando Valley ‘professionals’ guiding their Stars through 12 full weeks of grueling competition. Let your imagination run wild. Because I want to keep this a PG 13 blog, I won’t go into a great amount of detail as to what these routines might look like, so I posted below a diagram of some of the footwork that might be employed to give you an idea. Something to think about.