Thinking Outside The Box

Stick Figures

Okay, I don’t know how I got from stick figures to condoms to lying sacks of shit.  But, there is a metaphor in here somewhere, cause there’s an abundance of lying sacks of shit laying around these days spewing shit out of their mouths [I specialize in filth, NOT shit btw].

Anyway, with a lot of Americans still financially face down in the dung heap  these  days, what does one certain political party do to address the problem?  Right  Correct, jump on the abortion bandwagon, and wanna close family planning clinics and pass legislation to do so.  Funny how those folks, who we’ll just call Lying Sacks Of Shit, don’t like regulations when it comes to business and the environment, but when it comes to screwing, Well they know best, and wanna regulate the fuck out of it

This is were Condom Boy comes in (no pun intended) ["Bullshit Hansi"].  He can save the day, by preventing abortion, social disease and a host of  other problems, leaving  those certain politicians free from thinking about sex all the time and actually do something.  Sounds pretty cool, don’t-cha think.  Problem is, I think they’d just co-opt old Condom Boy, turn around, and use him to screw the rest of us.

Twistables

Colored pencils are such a trip because they got the best of both worlds going on: pencil action, plus color.  So when the grandson wasn’t looking, I snatched his Crayola “Twistables” coloured pencils from him and got to work on some of my older ink drawings.

Although  “Twistables” offer a fairly limited pallet (Crayola not being the premier name in fine art supplies), it was fun exploring them again.  And the best part is when ya run out of color, all ya gotta do is twist the other end, and out pops more lead.  And anything that pops out after getting twisted is always good with me.

I probably better apologize in advance for the one below.  It wasn’t an earlier ink drawing like the other two.  But one I just did without sketching it out first.  Maybe I’m just still recovering from my anal annual prostrate exam, but a lot of the male figures I do in profile all look like they’re taking a leak.   Even the little green men from Mars.

Hansi For Sale

I just spent the afternoon drawing some rapid-fire art.  And it got me to thinking; a lot of the bloggers I was following a year ago are no longer blogging.  [You know who you are.]  Seems like people just up and quit blogging, and do so just as they were starting to get successful at it.  Now I have no idea of what constitutes success in the blog-o-sphere.  Maybe it’s the number of comments you get on a post, or the number of subscribers you have.   Gotta follow blogs to have bloggers follow you, that’s just basic.

When I first stated my Hallucinations (the blog).  I followed a lot of guys who blogged about blogging.  Their goal being, that at some certain point they were gonna start making money on-line blogging.  Sounded cool to me.  Just sit around the house all day cranking out bullshit, and get paid for it.

Well, I’m no Pioneer Woman, cause I haven’t made a dime.  So rather than just quit, like so many do, I decided to sell my blog.  Yep, Hansi’s Hallucinations is now for sale.  But wait, before the bidding starts, check out what ya get.  Not only do you get all the crap mentioned in the drawing below: wit, humor (sometimes laden with a shit-load of sarcasm), Art (the best part), but wisdom (miss-spelled in the drawing) from an old guy who’s heard it all, and is sick and tired of bullshit.  Having spent 30 years in Corrections hearing it, dealing with it and cranking it out on a regular basis; I’ve become an expert in the field.

“But Hansi”, some may say, “You are Hansi’s Hallucinations”.  Well no shit, and I’m glad most of my readers (who come along in the deal) are not a bunch of dumb turds; had my fill of them in Probationland.  See, when you buy Hansi’s Hallucinations, you buy Hansi too!  Yes Sir!  I’m selling myself.  And if you keep me properly medicated with stacks of drawing paper and an abundance of ink pens nearby, I’ll crank out blog posts for ya all day.

I figure a starting figure of $250,000 US Dollars would be fair, and more than adequately supplement my lavish (just above poverty level) government retirement.  And if you act now, I’ll even come to your house to begin.  You just gotta supply the pens , paper, a nice chardonnay (no cheap shit!) and possibly a cigar or two, and I’ll just plop down in your living-room in all my unshaven, flannel shirt wearing splendiforous glory, and get right to work.  Oh yeah.  You’re gonna need a good stereo system: I’ll bring the music and even some of my special herbal refreshments that help me draw so well.

Ladies, don’t worry about The Wife.  She won’t mind.  She’s had so much of a good thing with old Hansi, that she’s near unto overdosing on me; like when some of your best medicine turns toxic on ya, and makes you paranoid, or wanna run to the fridge and eat everything inside. [You have to keep a well stalked stocked fridge too!  Cause sometimes I get the screaming munchies, and that's not a force ya wanna recon with.]

So think about.  Remember, with the Hans, not only to you get a renaissance response in nonchalance, but ya also get a schwance

What I Like About Blogging

What I like about blogging is that on my blog,  I get to do what I want.  Maybe that’s why I chose the name Hansi’s Hallucinations.  Watch out for that mindless blog link loop!

I don’t have anything to sell, and when you don’t have anything to sell, you’re not beholding to a readership who you are subtly trying to manipulate into making a purchase.  Nothing to sell; but I have been accused of peddling smut.   Good thing Bullshit is still free.  But somehow people are willing to pay for it, and pay huge speaker fees to certain folks for their brand, just so they can spout a bunch of bullshit to an audience eagerly awaiting to gobble it up.  Doesn’t make sense to me, but then again,  If there’s bullshit ’bout to go down, I wanna be the Bullshit-tor, NOT the Bullshit-ee.

So I guess it’s the freedom of expression that I like about the Blog-o-shere.  I can slap together anything I want, from drawings to rants, and with a click of the mouse, sent them off into cyber-space for the whole world to see.  Pretty trippy, don’t cha think?

Odds and Ends

As soon as I finish a drawing session, I usually photograph and edit the drawings and save them in a special folder on my computer: Hansi’s Drawings.  Lately I’ve been grinding out so much stuff, I’m getting confused as to what I’ve posted.

Here’s some stuff that made it onto The Blithering Idiot, my other drawing blog, which I don’t promote so much, but am shamelessly doing so now   I know, it’s a cheap trick, but if I post all this random stuff on Hansi, I can clean out my drawing folder.  And that means it’s ready to be filled up again with more delightful madness.

Sure feels good, not only getting my drawings nicely organized in an orderly way, but my life too.  A win win relationship

Life is like a balancing act.  Things go a lot more smoothly if ya keep all your ducks in a row, lined up and in order.  Otherwise they’ll run amok and shit all over the place.

Wrap your mind around that!

Tumor in my Brain

Ya ever wonder what it would be like to have a tumor in your brain?  An invasive growth that wanted to take over your body?  NOT the scary kind like cancer.  God forbid!  I wouldn’t want to wish that anyone except my worst enemies.  But the kind that’s been done in so many science fiction movies and bad TV shows.

Instead of finding such a prospect terrifying, I think it would be kinda cool.  It would sure make life a lot easier, cause ya wouldn’t  have to think all the time.  Instead, like cruise-control on your car, your Tumor could take over, and free ya up enough to stretch out and enjoy the ride.  Plus, if you ever screwed-up really badly, you could always blame it on your Tumor.  ["My Tumor made me do it!"]  Not only does that get ya off the hook, but is great for gaining sympathy.  And sympathy can sometimes into a sym-phony, if ya let your tumor take over for ya again.

I think my Tumor is starting to crap-out,  and stop thinking for me.  Here’s another drawing the  Tumor did.  It’s all its fault; hope you enjoy the drawing.

Evolution

And speaking of evolution, the old Blog-a-roo has certainly changed.  For the better?  Who knows?  Except in evolution, everything is suppossed to grow and get better.  And if ya don’t, you either get eaten up or die. So if one is evolving, they got to be getting better,  If that weren’t true, then we’d all be back in the slime.

And speaking of slime.  Now that Mitt Romney looks to have sewn up the GOP nomination for President, a real Slime-fest is about to begin.  I can’t wait, how bout you?

Anyway, back to personal growth (Not the new theme here).  I’m finally drawing more and writing less.  Sure hope the drawing is evolving and getting better.  But maybe, instead of evolving into a great artist, I”ve been created that way.  Sure wish that was true.  It’d make drawing a heck of a lot easier.

And speaking of whats easy.  It’s by far much easier not weighing myself down with such unanswerable questions.  It’s oh so much easier to look at a picture, rather than read a thousand words.

And speaking of words.  I’m done with the writing part of this post.  Below are some more pictures.  I call ‘em “thousand-worders”.

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I know!   I spelled “evolved” wrong in the first drawing.  Oh well, no Spell-check on the old drawing pad.  Damn, March 23rd was a good day for drawing but no for spellin’.

Hansi’s My Name, Hallucinating’s My Game

No need to ask me what’s on my mind.  Cause I show ya just about every other day.  Lately I’ve taken to drawing in the evenings after diner.  And do you know what just happened?  Just as I typed the word dinner, The wife called out “dinner’s ready”.   I shit you not and swear to God.   How’s that for a coinky-dink?

Now I’m stuffed, and it’s hard to think.  But anyway, I’ve been doing and posting a lot of drawings lately, and started thinking, “Is there a theme in all this nonsense somewhere?”

I suppose.   I am interested in the female figure, and draw it, in all it’s perplexing glory, a heck of a lot.  I also do a lot of profiles.  I guess you can say I got a ‘style’, although I dislike that word when it comes to art.   Not that I think what I’m doing is ‘art’, let alone ‘great art’.  Hell no, it’s pure fun, just like it is for my nine year old grandson.

And the coolest part of all this fun is it’s My Fun.  Kinda like when the Star-ship Enterprise heads off into new worlds, to discover new things and new species.  The Federation may have a hands-off rule about other species, but I don’t!  In fact I have a ‘hands-on’ policy.  I get to mess with the stuff I create, but sometimes the species ends up feces after I get done intervening with it.   Oh well, think I’ll dive into my next world

Shaking The Dew Off My Lilies

After I Photoshopped this series of drawings, I took a long hard look to see how I could make a story or rant out of them.  The title of this post just jumped out at me after taking a closer look at the one above.  What else could it be.  I don’t mean to gross anyone out, but then again, if you didn’t want to be grossed out a little, then ya wouldn’t have stopped by, would ya?

I’m a firm believer in squeezing the most you can get out of life.  Why let life squeeze you, when it can be the other way around?

I don’t know if I was was soaring to new heights with this one , or sinking to new lows.  I’ll let you be the judge.

Might as well throw in some political commentary, as long as we’re on the subject of dew shaking lilies:   Piss On ‘Em All

Drawing Lessons

Hey, I’m not pimping myself out by trying to sell drawing lessons online; as if anyone would be interested, (but if you are….).  Nope, this is about some lessons I learned while drawing on the evening of March 21st. [from whenst cometh the illustrations.]  That’s me above in my full listening mode; ready to draw, ready to learn.

The first lesson I learned was: Don’t try and get too fancy when having hallucinogenic fantasies about female Star Trek Officers.  I got cute and tried to draw a star-ship in there, and being too damn lazy to Google a picture of the Star-ship Enterprise and do it right, I thought I’d “Be Creative”, and do my own.  Not only was the drawing bad, but I lost my train of thought concerning Deanna Troi,  Doctor Crusher, and me having a trio of fun on the Holodeck.  So…

#1:  Don’t get creative!  When ya got a hot fantasy going, don’t ruin it with a lot of detail or realism.   I was so distressed by my space-ship I couldn’t focus on activities in the Holodeck.

#2:  When you’re in a rut, go back to what’s familiar.  Nothing like a rut to make ya feel uncomfortable.  And how are you gonna do your best work if you’re uncomfortable and restless?   So when you’re in a rut, do what’s comfortable.  I grabbed a good ol’ #2 pencil, you know, the type ya had in grade school; the kind I learned to write and draw with.  No fancy art pencils or ink pens, just a basic #2 with erasure on the end for when ya fuck-up.

#3:  Explore new horizons!  When I’m really grinding em out, fully ensconced in the right side of my brain, I rarely look up from my pad and paper.  I’m too busy creating new worlds and new characters that I’d like to meet.  Like those chicks on the Star-ship Enterprise.

But sometimes even your own little world seems small, and you need to expand your horizons.  Well old Hansi be dipped in shit if that just ain’t what happened that night.  There I was, sitting in my recliner (I know, what a geezer) earphones on, rockin’ out, and wondering, “What am I gonna draw?”  I looked at my blank paper, then looked up, and low and behold there was my stereo and T V sitting on the other side of the room.  “Wow…How’d that get there?”   “So that’s where the music’s coming from”.  So I drew it.  Who’d believe that some of the stuff I draw actually exists?  Pretty far-out if ya ask me.

Anyway, maybe there’s a lesson you could D r a w  from all this.  I know I’ve learned my lesson.

Picking Boogies

My three and a half year old grandson has lately been afflicted with a bad case of the  “Boogies”.  And when he says ‘”Boogies”, he doesn’t mean like in Woogies.  Nope, he means boogers.   And like most snot-nosed kids his age, he’s got em coming out all over the place, to the point where we gotta constantly remind him to blow his nose in a tissue (which we gotta hold).

Some times I catch him just mindlessly picking his nose.  One little cherubic finger jammed way up there mining for “Boogies”.  I know, it’s disgusting, but hey, that little guy just mastered two parts of his body six months ago.  So if ya got your bladder and bowels under reasonable control, might as well clean out that ‘boogie’ factory up your nose.  Thing of it is, he doesn’t think it’s particularly disgusting; he’s just delightfully taking care of business.

Made me think back to the days when I so uninhibitedly last cleaned out my own boogie factory.   Was probably less than a week ago.  But what a good place to be in:  comfortable in your own body; without social taboos or constraints; and just being yourself in all its magnificent glory.

Here’s a few “boogies” that invaded my nasal passages, broke through my skull and penetrated my brain.  I place them here, of course, for your consumption.

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Sunday

Sunday is a good day to just sit around and  mellow out. That is after you’ve gone to the Gym, run to Trader Joes, worked in the garden  (cause everything is telling me it’s Spring), and  taken a nap.  When ya got all that out of the way, Sundays are sweet.   Everything seems to have slowed down for a day, kinda like a sabbath day, except for it’s on Sunday, the Lord’s day, and not the sabbath day which is Saturday.

There’s a theme in here somewhere.  Maybe it’s about change.  The change in my blog, the changes going on in my life (mostly pretty good stuff).  Drawing spontaneously helps clear the cob-webs in my mind.

I’m sure glad the fat goddess made an appearance; always good to see her.

March 6th

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No words today, just pictures.

March Madness

Sorry, this has nothing to do with college basketball.  It’s mostly about drawing, and that’s  certainly been on the rebound.  Bad puns aside, March has started out with a Bhang Bang!  And a flourish of drawings too.  Mainly because I stopped watching a lot of TV at night.  Instead, I’ve been turning on the stereo and listening to whole albums, like Pink Floyd’s “Dark-side of the Moon”, and drawing.

Why watch a bunch of scary shit on TV, when ya have more that enough scary shit in your mind?  I don’t know about you, but I don’t have room for any more.